The Twump Conundrum

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

With strains of “Dueling Banjos” playing in the distance. Florida Governor Ron “Death’s head” DeSantis apes the big orange ape, as if to take the torch from his hand. “I will be borrowing this issue from now on, old timer. You won’t need it anymore; you can rest now.” Twumpy has a sad face, he’s going through a bad break up with Faux News. And he just sits at home all alone, eating gallons of ice cream. How he must burn watching in agony as they date that new guy “Ron.” (It’s my Party and I’ll cry if I want to.)

It’s a central principle of Fascism, that there must always be an enemy or mole in society that’s trying to take us down from the inside. McCarthyism with reds under every bed. They’re gonna get you! They’re everywhere! Just you wait! You’ll see! Elvis is a commie plot! So, for the principle to have any hope at all of working. The party must place itself as the defender of the faith. The faith that is under attack from all quarters and only they can save it, because only they can see it!

Rampant filth everywhere, dirty rock and roll lyrics! Lurid comic books and need I mention the Internet? In this paranoid parochial jungle where people call the cops and draw guns on water meter readers, it doesn’t take much to get them all worked up. Like feeding time at the monkey house “Ron” attacks “Drag Shows” as the enemy de jure. Your tax dollars at work.

Strange, that in a state with a so-called pro-business environment, a state that makes its bread and butter from the hospitality industry. That “Ron” should have so many problems with Florida entertainment venues.

First Disney, and now this. “Ron” files a complaint against a Miami Drag show. Some might call it a political stunt, basing his complaint on a 1947 state supreme court ruling over men dressing as women. But no, it only looks political because “Ron” is running for President. And “Ron” has set as his agenda to become the lowest man in the highest office.

“Cassius has a lean and hungry look.” Reich’s Fuhrer “Ron” just needs an enemy to focus attention on and the LGBTQ community, neatly fits the bill. So even though it looks like a cheap political stunt, it will win him accolades from the toothless troglodytes, tobacco chewers and blue haired ladies against freedom.

Because he’s defending our children! Do you know what THEY did! A man had his breast exposed with nothing on it but a pastie! In front children, no less! And while I agree, the wardrobe selection is questionable. Florida like most states, has yet to pass any serious prohibitions against men exposing their breasts.

But this was a special breast, because it was large and appeared to be a female looking breast, like your Uncle Ed only more dolled up. It’s going to sure clog up the courts, if men can’t take their shirts off now out of fear their breast may appear too feminine. “Your Honor, the state alleges that he was doing it on purpose! And in front of children!”

The name Drag “Show” implies costumes and sometimes, costumes are revealing. “The sky is falling! My child saw a man’s butt! We must protect our children from this decadence!” I don’t know if a drag show is appropriate venue for small children or not. I’m not their parent or guardian; children get raised in lot strange and different families and it’s better they have one than not.

So, it isn’t for me to say or for the state of Florida either to say. The state better think twice before they open up that can of worms. Can you take your child to a nude beach?

Can you take your child to see an “R” rated movie that might show a man’s naked butt? Can you take them to see Professional Wrestling or boxing? How about the Roller Derby? How about the gun show? How about taking them see strange religious rituals involving ritual blood drinking, cannibalism and miracles. Teaching children to believe in magic and in invisible powers.

Because Alien super beings are watching over us from another dimension. Somewhere in the universe intrigued and interested in our daily lives, with nothing better to do. I’d say, up against ritual blood drinking. The Drag show sounds absolutely tame, almost provincial.

“Ron” is defending the faith, because he cares about our children. But during the pandemic, the Federal government offered Florida an additional twenty-five million dollars in food stamps to help stretch the food budgets of Florida families with CHILDREN! And to replace the missed school lunches for thousands of hungry Florida CHILDREN!

All “Ron” had to do was to ask, but he didn’t ask. He wouldn’t ask for anything from Joe Biden’s Federal government. He’s rebel and a maverick! He didn’t give two shits and match box car, if those kids went hungry! He also didn’t give two shits about Florida grocers missing out on a twenty-five-million-dollar windfall.

But for “Ron” the fire in the belly leads to smoke in the brain. He assumes that with his new girlfriend Faux News in tow, he’s got it made. But the soap opera plot is always the same. The old boyfriend always tries to ruin the plans of the new lovers, by sabotaging them at the Prom. Donny controls about thirty percent of the Republican Party, but he’s being pushed out the door of a moving vehicle in favor of the new beau.  Donny doesn’t like being pushed very much.

Time for new blood, out with the old and in with the new, and that means not y-o-u! Will Twump go quietly into that good, good night? I seriously doubt it. He’s delusional and thought he was going to overthrow the federal government to stay in power. I don’t think that a few minor Republican Party officials can dissuade him from chucking the ketchup bottle across the room this time. Especially, when they try to tell him he’s out, because he can’t win.

Oh no, Twumpy is fighting for survival here, this is a with your shield or on your shield moment and there is no tomorrow. Twumpy didn’t play by the rules last time, why should we assume Twump will suddenly develop the talents of a gracious loser, this time?

Twumpy can’t win with 30% of the Republican vote. DeSantis can’t win with 70% or even 80% of the Republican vote. The Twump conundrum just expands perpetually and exponentially and never ever goes away.

Twump must be placated, or he dooms the Republican ticket. But he can’t be placated, because he wants the top spot and can’t have it. If only the Republicans had known, they would have impeached Twump when they had their chance. Now it’s too late and Twump’s caught in the gears of the Republican machinery like wads of chewed bubble gum. They can’t get him elected and can’t get rid of him!

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx