Now, I’m Not a Doctor

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Not since the waning days of World War Two has there been such a display of futility. The German Fuhrer losing the war unleashed a barrage of V-2 rockets each with a one-ton warhead on London. Militarily it was pointless. It was flailing, something to make headlines. Something good on the six o’clock news. “Our wonder weapons are smashing their cities!” A distraction, something to change the subject, oblivious that people were dying for the purpose of creating a better newscast.

The Pitchman in Chief goes full infomercial on Chloroquine, as the wonder drug. Say friends, are you feeling tired and run down? Has the global pandemic that no one could see coming taken the spring out of your step? Try Chloroquine, Chloroquine has twice the iron as a pound of horse meat! Chloroquine removes stains from your clothes better than any other leading car wax! {Warning!} These claims have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration or the National Institute for Automotive Shine.

Just shoveling shit with a snow shovel, just putting it out there.  Children, Daddy brought a miracle cure. Everything is going to be alright now. We can all return to our former lives again. I’ll take a bow here, and you can begin to thank me. Just another reason we should all listen to the Cheeto and his gut. Pfff, medical science, what do they know? I’ve heard really good things about this drug and while there is no actual “proof” you never know…it might work.

And then he said it. With a straight face on national television he said it…what do we have to lose?

You never know, Twizzlers covered in applesauce might work…you never know. A witch doctor with feathers in his headdress and a bone through his nose waving raw chicken parts might work. In the correct PPE of course. A pill is not a ventilator. It is a V-2 headed for London to distract because the Cheeto has no clothes. You know, I’d like to talk about ventilators but first, let me tell you about Grandpa’s Don’s down-home Chloroquine. Friends, it’s the gentile laxative! After one dose of Grandpa Don, you’ll be ready to shit for days! And it tastes good too!

No, I’m not a doctor. I’m the leader of the free world. Do you know me? With my American Express card, I can spend money at hundreds of exciting places! The leader of the free world reduced to selling patent medicine from the back of a wagon.

Come on down my friends come on down! Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to hurt you! I’m here with the wonder drug of our age. Passed down to Hiawatha himself from the scared elders. And though declared useless by modern science, Well, I’m not a doctor but you never know…it might work. It slices and dices and it really, really, works! But wait, if you order now, we’ll send you a second bottle of Chloroquine for just the additional shipping. We’ll also include this special pandemic oven mitt just for ordering! Just use secret TV code: CONJOB when ordering.

To his base this is sweet music. Ah, the Fuhrer was right all along. Faux news airing stories of how the media is hyping the pandemic to make the Fuhrer look bad. Thousands of Chinese, Europeans and Americans giving up their lives just to make the Cheeto look bad. Willing to throw the world economy into an unimaginable downturn just because we hate Donald Trump. In a world without gravity, it all makes sense. In a professional wrestling NASCAR plot line sort of way.  Man, I tell you what, that ole Nancy Pelosi will do anything to get old Trump!

His petty attacks on the state’s governors are a window into his incompetence. When attacked he counter attacks instead of picking up the phone and saying, here’s what we got this is what we can do. Nothing would disarm the criticism more than a little show of competence. Snapping and snarling at governors or the media shows the opposite. Why does that god damned phone keep ringing, make it stop! Tell him, I’ll call him back!

“If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:”


Well, there is no “if” to this equation. Okay, for extra credit. Name three highly effective, great world leaders famous for their tantrums and emotional outbursts. See what I mean? The medium is the message, its looks better to be busy at nothing than failing at something. And this is a Presidential shit sandwich. And the Cheeto has to eat it there’s no way the Cheeto or anyone else could look good in the office at this point in history. But the Cheeto still thinks it’s about poll numbers and campaigns. Ten’s of thousands of Americans are dying, and he still thinks it’s about ratings. Do the job don’t let the job do you!

Now, I’m not a doctor, but we’ve had some tremendous success with another drug, for people without a heart condition. Plaquenil don’t let another day go by without plaquenil. Tell your doctor if you’ve visited regions known for viral infections. If you’re pregnant had a liver transplant or are HIV positive. Though all claims of effectiveness have yet to be proven by the FDA remember our motto; You never know…it might work! From the makers of “Thoughts and Prayers!”

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