By David Glenn Cox
I think comedy is one of the greatest gifts to the human mind. The pressure relief valve that keeps the boiler from exploding. In some Asian cultures I’ve heard it’s not unusual for people to laugh at times of grief, I guess if I were Asian, I’d be laughing my ass off right about now. But we all have that line, don’t we? This joke is hysterical but take it an inch further and it’s not funny anymore. It becomes repellent and uncomfortable almost too close to the stove uncomfortable.
You can skip this paragraph if you like, maybe save yourself some time. It is not for you anyway. You have walking around sense it’s for Mitch McConnell. So, feel free to jump ahead. In 1776, the thirteen colonies bordering the Atlantic Ocean banded together. These colonies realized right off that they would need a national or Federal Government to set policies to keep the states aligned so that they might prosper together in a “Union.” In that effort the Federal government was created by the states. The Federal Government did not create the states. The states created the Federal government. When one of those aforementioned states is in trouble and needs your help the correct answer is, Yes sir! What do you need first? Bitch! The house is on fire!
Idiocracy II Staring, Mitch McConnell. I heard a news story recently where they described Mitch as Trump’s enabler. I chuckled to myself thinking of the visual, which one is the monkey and which ones the handler? Mitch has passed the Trump test. A political Limbo contest, how low can you go man! What won’t you say or do to protect this disaster of a life of yours? A shit stain on the underwear of life. Yes, yes indeed, you’ve passed the Trump test. A character from out of Dante’s Inferno with just a pinch of Red Man between his cheek and gums. The Grinch that stole Christmas in a three-piece suit.
The idea of “Blue state bailout,” are we a Union or not? Must everything go through the political sieve? Must we now give my political affiliation to the 911 operator? You almost can’t believe a grownup said it. But he had a reason, and this is the low as you can go part. He said it to paper over his other suggestion that the states should be allowed to bankrupt. And if Wall Street hadn’t been so busy trying to tread water, they would have had a fit. When I heard his bankruptcy comment I ran straight to the computer. “How much money does the state of Alabama owe?” The answer, $32 billion dollars. Now that’s all outstanding debt obligations and some wouldn’t apply, and it shouldn’t take a bankruptcy court more than a decade or two to figure it all out.
So, the city files bankruptcy and then the county files for bankruptcy and then the state files for bankruptcy? But what happens in the meantime? This money, that is owed is owed to creditors. Are we going to Trumpify the financial markets where I only pay you if I feel like it? The financial shockwave of a state defaulting on its debts, remember that movie “Earthquake,” yeah, like that. We’re talking about Alabama, now imagine New York. The financial capital of the world files for bankruptcy but ole Mitch McConnell thinks, I’ll be alright I’m from Kentucky! Mitch, your stockbroker is on the phone. Something about jumping out a window.
In Chapter two of Idiocracy II Staring, Mitch McConnell. We ask the burning question …what about the banks? Government bonds have always been considered secure because? Because governments rarely default. A wave of county and state defaults would make those bonds look like confederate currency. Now, Mitch can’t see beyond his shoes but what about foreigners who hold our debt? Are we going to stiff them too? You got it all wrong, the money’s not here. The money’s in Joe’s house and Larry’s house!
We are in troubled times made more troubled by the likes of Mitch McConnell. His approach is just to let it burn down and build a new house later when the fires out. But the fires out and its cold outside and we need a place to live now! Someone has forgotten who he works for. Someone’s forgotten whose money it is in the first place.
Now imagine through serendipity and a benefactor you land this great job. Great money and great prestige. Great hours and great benefits! And through this benefactor you become wealthy and powerful beyond your wildest dreams. One day the phone rings and your benefactor is in trouble and they need help and you answer, “Fuck you! I’m watching The Curse of Oak Island. They might find something!”
To his own state, you know I’d really like to help you, but I’m a Conservative. If I helped you now why next thing you know, you would want healthcare. And remember you’re drowning for democracy! If you’d rather die than, have Socialism in your life; here’s your chance! But it is about so much more than finances and bonds. This is an emergency! I don’t know why were going to war, the Japanese only attacked Hawaii? Let Hawaii deal with it. Hmmm, towers in New York City sounds like a state problem to me.
In order to form a more perfect union. We’re married Mitch! You can’t cast us aside when we don’t fix you biscuits with red eye gravy every morning. You are stuck with us warts and all just as we are stuck with you. But for how long? Spitting tobacco juice in the face of the public during an election year is a risky strategy and then there is your orange jungle playmate to remember.
It reminds me of a story I heard once, these ranchers were having trouble with cattle rustlers. So, the ranchers got together and hired themselves a sheriff to hunt the rustler’s down. But try as he might he just couldn’t catch them. He would go North, and they’d go South finally the ranchers got tired of being pilfered and got together and hung that sheriff from tree in his front yard and the rustling stopped.
I don’t know, it just seemed appropriate.