Ask and you shall receive, I wondered the other day when reality would come crashing down on the Wall Street. Iceberg meet Ocean liner. The Dow futures were up one hundred and fifty points when Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell began to speak. His message was aimed at two orange ears, we are in trouble and if you don’t do something quickly it’s going to get dramatically worse. The Dow began to fade with the realization that the guy with the weed never showed up. Slowly at first then picking up speed like a bowling ball rolling downhill.
Powell is a lifelong Republican now rooting for Chuck and Nancy. Powell warned of systemic permanent damage to the economy.
“Once I built a tower up to the sun
Brick and rivet and lime
Once I built a tower, now it’s done
Brother, can you spare a dime?”
Food prices are beginning to spike. Home prices beginning to fall. Meanwhile back in Cheetoville…
keep talkin’ happy talk
Talk about things you’d like to do.
You gotta have a dream
if you don’t have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?
Talk about a moon floatin’ in the sky
Lookin’ like a lily on a lake;
Talk about a bird learnin’ how to fly
Makin’ all the music he can make.”
From the depths of entitlement to the summit of privilege, Donald Trump is angry. Fate has cluster fucked him without any lubricant. The more he pushes to open the economy the more the bodies pile up against it. He’s backed away from the Coronavirus Task force because while the ratings were good next season didn’t offer a good role for him. Herbert Hoover once said he was the only man to have a depression named after him. Move over Herb, company’s coming! Despite intensive Faux News therapy, the Cheeto tweets frantically from the orange room of the Fuhrer bunker. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.
Last month here in Colorado 89% of tenants paid their rent on time. Double that delinquency and property companies begin to fail. The value of the properties plummets as the money needed for survival evaporates as a poor investment. Do you wanna buy some restaurant stocks? How about an Outback Steakhouse franchise? Getting evicted can work up a mighty big appetite! How about a gym membership? Join today and if you don’t die in the first thirty days your second month is half-price! Protestors doing pushups on the sidewalk wanting their gyms to open back up. I confess I participated in a similar sort of protest. I bought a twelve pack to protest the bars being closed, and I plan another protest Friday night.
You have worked and studied and got good grades and then one day you get that letter saying you’ve been accepted to an elite Ivy league school. Please remit $50,000 and we will send you your log on code, attending Harvard from Peoria systemic damage. A generation of youth exiled from education forced to sleep at home while the classrooms stand empty. I’ve always said the public educational system in Alabama is so bad that you might as well lock your kid in their bedroom with a book and let them out in six months and see if they’ve learned anything. We shall now put that theory to the test nationwide. “I’m studying ma!” 6 x 8 = 54 Grover Cleveland was a President who once pitched for the Philadelphia Athletics in the American league and Bismarck is a Battleship in North Dakota. The age-old art of cheating on tests reduced to simple texting. Why do we need all these teachers with classes online? Why are we keeping custodians to maintain these derelict properties?
I’ve seen several new cars in traffic recently identified by their temporary tags. Come on down for our end of the world Sale-ebration! Nothing down with no payments for six months! Zero percent financing we’ll even bring it to your house! Science has proved conclusively that renters evicted from their homes rarely purchase new cars. They rarely purchase anything except for survival supplies and as FDR warned their poverty creates a drag on the economy that feeds our poverty. Systemic damage, please explain any gaps in your employment history. Congratulations your credit score is 118!
The results of the 1932 elections reflected the depths of the first Great Depression. FDR was elected in a landslide. The Democrats held a super majority in the house and a solid majority in the Senate. The Republicans had become a token opposition party and would not control either chamber of Congress for another twenty years systemic damage. Fashion experts agree, Orange will be out of style in November. Voters will opt for the empty suit ticket, “Give us four years and we promise to do as little as possible. You won’t even know we’re here.”
Back in the halcyon days of impeachment hearings, the Cheeto spoke of an infrastructure program now lost in the orange fury of what Obama did. Lindsey Graham is angered over generous unemployment benefits and vows no more. I rise today to offer an amendment to the appropriations bill. The end of the Republican Party Act will guarantee that the struggling American workers everywhere get as little as possible and in doing so will for a generation end the Republican Party as we know it. By extinguishing the hopes and dreams of Americans we shall show fiscal discipline. Let struggle be our watch word and hunger be our slogan! Let this be the boot on the necks of struggling people everywhere. Let us rebuild our economy on the backs of the poor with tax cuts for the rich! I ask for your support and I thank you.
What do you mean…sinking? My end of the boat doesn’t have any water in it. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed the end of the world. A new world will commence immediately on most of these stations check your local listings in your area for dates and times systemic damage.