Going to Hell

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Boy howdy if I were an Evangelical would I be excited right about now or what? A plague and economic emergency bordering on social collapse. The antichrist is in power, and his followers wear his mark upon their foreheads. The orange abomination stood in front of a church and held up a Bible upside down. No symbolism there, what do they expect? Do they expect an Ozzie Osborne style bat decapitation? The big book with the deluxe leatherette cover says the antichrist comes to dethrone God. If Ozzie had held up a Bible like that there would be warning labels on his album covers.

If I were an Evangelical, I could get rid of my collection of Time Life books and give away all my fishing tackle to my heathen friends. It can’t be too much longer now the West Coast of the country is in flames with two months left to go in fire season coinciding with hurricane season on the Gulf Coast. Like a German fun house, we stumble from event to event. Congressional antichrist Republicans laugh with side splitting hilarity offering the people a pittance to save a pound for no one. The Democrats asked for three trillion Republicans counter with three hundred billion. That’s right folks, in this time of national emergency Republicans counter after weeks of negotiation with ten whole cents on the dollar. They wouldn’t have offered that if they didn’t feel they had to offer something. A sacrificial lamb to prove they had been busy to the folks back home.

Tell me any way to view this where Satan isn’t laughing his ass off, and he owes it all to his orange prodigal son. But according to the big book with the deluxe leatherette cover this is only the beginning.

[According to the prewrath perspective, the Great Tribulation begins three-and-a-half years after the Antichrist  confirms “the covenant with many for one week” (Daniel 9:27), in the middle of “Daniel’s 70th week.” The 70th week is a reference to Daniel 9:24-27, where each day of the week corresponds to a year (for a total of seven years). After the first three-and-a-half years, the Antichrist will make himself known with as the abomination that causes desolation, and he will reign for three-and-a-half years (42 months or 1,260 days). The latter half of the three-and-a-half years is characterized by the Antichrist deceiving the world and persecuting the church.]- Wikipedia

“Abomination that causes desolation” that sounds pretty spot on huh? “Paging Jesus Christ, if you’re in the building Jesus, you forgot to clock in again.” Everybody is the antichrist in magic land. Nancy Reagan had their address changed from 666 to 668. Ronald Wilson Reagan = 666. Hannibal was the antichrist and so was Napoleon and Hitler and Nixon begat Reagan and Reagan begat Bush and so forth. The Evangelicals like to claim science is the religion of the Secularist. The only problem with the theory is religion requires belief. Science doesn’t care if you believe or not. Science is. Religion requires the belief in is.

Science says when thousands of miles of your country are in flames you should pay attention. The Orange antichrist says, “Duh what?” Total silence, nothing, not even to Bob Woodward. Sounds like the antichrist to me, no care or concern for the people or the issues of the day. Beasulbub dances on light beams and tells lies like pouring water. But from bad things comes a good thing, you can now test your knowledge of the natural world with one simple question. “Is it wise practical or in any way possible to rake all the forests in the West to prevent wildfires? Are we to put out ten billion Home Depot brown paper lawn bags at the curb for pick up on Tuesday?

Instead of a red devil with a pitchfork, we get an orange devil with a forked tongue. Like hamburger joints the devil we receive may not resemble the devil in the picture. A man howls from a remote mountain monastery, and brother Timothy explains to you that they have captured the devil. You think them all mad but then they read you Donald Trump’s biography. And all you can answer is, “Good catch Timmy!”

The doctors and scientists said shut down, but the devil wants to open up. The doctors say wear a mask the devil says don’t wear a mask. The scientist’s say we need more testing, but the devil says we don’t need any more testing. Drink more bleach, vote twice, Nazis are fine people. The devil is laughing with Vincent Price’s laugh and if I believed in any of this non-sense you might have some new fishing tackle and Time Life Books, Old West Collection.

I’d love to see the rapture, something to tell the grand kids about. That day when people just floated off into space and were happy about it. Be honest, say you’re out walking the dog and you suddenly begin to float away. You calmly say to yourself, “Oh, this must be the rapture. Bye Fluffy!” Or do you say, “Oh, shit! Get me down from here!” What about people inside the house when the rapture comes, do they pass through the roof or are they stuck on the ceiling like a helium balloon? Will we have to take broom sticks and push them towards the door?

Is Trumpy the antichrist? Close enough for me, he might not be, but he could play one on TV. A cold and callous orange madman running amok unsupervised slashing at anything good and decent. With his dick in one hand and a cheeseburger in the other the hope of the rapture makes me keep my video camera handy. But my optimism is tempered by the knowledge that Trump supporters aren’t going anywhere. The children of Satan are staying here with us; that’s why they call it going to hell!  

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