By David Glenn Cox
Things are starting to look rough for the Cheeto Bandito. The polling numbers are bad the debate numbers were worse and then there are the tax problems. That’s how they got Al Capone. Capone walked out of a dozen court rooms laughing and smiling, smirking at the legal system from behind his high-priced defense but then the IRS got a hold of him. It was sayonara fat boy, let’s talk Alcatraz. Fred would be so proud. His idiot son involving his granddaughter in Tax Fraud!
Stupid is as stupid does. Most modern tax fraud like this would involve several companies moving the money-making payments and partial payments to confuse the arithmetic. Trump’s daughter was on the payroll. He gave her a $700,000 check for “consulting fees” treating her as if she were not an employee. Trump daughter deposits check for exact amount in bank. Lazy is as lazy does, this one is easy like they weren’t even trying to hide it.
Well, as Ivanka herself put it, you must be adaptable in these changing times and look for opportunities where you find them. “Live from the Gadsden Federal Correctional Center, in Quincy, Florida, just a stone’s throw from beautiful Alligator Flatts, It’s the Ivanka collection!”
“Whether I’m in the White House or the big house I want to look my best. Orange one-piece jumpsuits are all the rage this season. Orange is a power color that says, “watch me!” A personalized number spray painted across the back in gloss black finishes and individualizes the ensemble. Complete the outfit with a regulation baseball cap, and you’re ready to face the world whether cutting grass or picking up trash along the highway. For evening wear stripes are in. Black and white for formal events like parole hearings or orange and white for more casual affairs.
When doing time don’t ignore fashion! All of our outfits are hand stitched right here in the fed… USA! And our everyday low, low, prices won’t set you back more than a carton of smokes. That’s the Ivanka Collection, “Doing time and doing it right!” Well, she’s the brightest of the bunch and I’m sure she’ll land on her hooves but what about her brothers? What will they do while Daddies in the Graybar Hotel? I like that they run daddies’ businesses for him it must be a strain. But once the $100 million tax payment is made and the empire liquidated to pay off the Russian mobsters what will they do then?
“Junior Brand Fancy Dips,” Salsas in hot, medium and mild. Avocado dip, Sour Cream and Onion and even sheep dip. When you think Dips, think Junior! And for every jar purchased we’ll donate a $1.75 into my Special Olympics fund. That way when the Olympics come, I have a way to fund my trip making it… special. You’re young! You’re criminal and you are in Florida! Florida is actually a native American word which means crooked land deal.
Trump Acres at Alligator flats! Lovely three-quarter acre homesites located on half-acre lots with all the amenities! Waterfront lots available on the Sanitation canal! Beautiful 18-hole County landfill Golf course! Relax with a cold one in our Malaria lounge and watch the trash barges land at sunset. All this can be yours for the everyday low price of. But why talk price on this historic property? Once the site of an eighteenth Century Indian massacre and used during World War II to extract cyanide for bomb primers and while that pollution might sound frightening, you’ll be glad it’s there when it keeps the alligators out of your backyard.
All of this can be yours for only ten percent down! In the form of a cashier’s check made out to CASH. Not responsible for rising tides, alligator attacks, floating septic tanks or Federal Property allegations. “This is Florida, no rights reserved.”
What about Eric? A phrase which has been uttered around the Trump table for long time. Known to family members as “huh?” Eric is the less studious of the brothers. “Oh wait, that’s politically correct and the Trump family doesn’t like political correctness.” Eric is the dumber of the two brothers and is actually so dumb as to risk his amateur standing and could turn pro at any time. “We get our money from Russia!” Priceless! And while smarts aren’t everything and looks aren’t everything taken together it is an empty glass, but that doesn’t mean the boy doesn’t have opportunities. This boy could be rich, get out of the way Bill Gates and get out of my chair Mark Zuckerberg rich!
Look at that face! Money children more than you could count, enough to send daddy some money for the commissary. Take that face and make it the centerpiece of a national ad campaign. Take that face and put it on the outside of a condom package.
“Eric Trump brand condoms,” or maybe “Chimpeze” for short. “Somebody’s calling you daddy, is it me?” Made from the same rubber used in expensive bicycle tires. A full 1/8 thickness offers you security when you need security the most. The advertising possibilities are limitless, “If you don’t spend your time with Eric tonight you might have to spend every night with Eric.” Don’t let one squirt lead to another!
“I support the use of Trump Brand Condoms. Those damn kids will get you thrown in Jail!”
– Donald Trump, former President and current federal corrections inmate