Breaking News: House Fly Found Dead

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Less than 72 hours after becoming a national celebrity the house fly who sat on Vice-President’s Mike Pence’s head has been found dead. Known by his street name “Buzz” his body was found on a lonely windowsill in a cheap walk up back behind some Venetian blinds. “I told him to stay away from politics,” says his sister Henrietta Maggot of Landfill Estates. “Stick with landing on shit! I told him, quit trying to be a social climber!” The fly formerly known as Buzz had been in trouble before once being locked up in the back window of a Ford Escort for three days before escaping through an open sunroof.

“This isn’t the first time,” says his sister. “He followed Mitt Romney once for nearly a week. When he was young, he used to follow Nickelback.” That was Buzz, he’d give you the wings off his back, but he had this thing about always being the center of attention. “Look at me!” He would say! “Maggot on Maggot!” He was on a list over at the White House. Security would always spot him coming a mile away. I guess that is why he always hated the Washington Post. He got real paranoid and said they were trying to kill him. He had gone through some rough times he used to fly through a meth lab once and a while and wasn’t close with any of his three thousand siblings.

In an unreleased CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, Buzz reportedly said, “No, it wasn’t planned. The doors just opened for me and I followed my nose. And I feel grateful (grateful) to live in a country (country) where a fly (fly) can dream of sitting on the Vice President head. (head) Masturbating furiously for the full two minutes!” Buzz you can’t say that. “Why not? It is political free speech!”

While we are on the subject of a dying pestilence, let us remember the words of that great twentieth Century political philosopher Lynyrd Skynyrd, who said, “ooooh, that smell. Can’t you smell that smell?” The President’s campaign, the “kill them all let God sort them out” tour plans one rally per day. The President saying, I don’t know how we will keep up the pace, but Don Jr. says he has some ideas. It’s like they turned up with speed I mean, they turned up the speed. Everyone moving faster and talking a pitch higher, sphincters tightening as the black wall of unemployment appears to materialize out of the mists. “Hi Mom, is the basement still empty?”

The turnout for early voting has been huge. The demand for absentee ballots has been huge. The voter turnout for the election is going to be huge. History tells us when the voters turn out Democrats win. When the voter turnout is huge, the Republicans are fenced off in Buck’s Pocket the land time forgot. There to sit in the festering wilderness waiting for another generation to come along willing to listen to the sweet siren song of trickle-down economics. But for now, all that is left are guns, abortion and name calling.

There comes a time in all parties when you look around the room and realize that you really should have left ten minutes ago. Before you get stuck driving Rand Paul and Ted Cruz home. The dregs of the evening, here in Colorado we have Cory Gardner, or as I like to call him “Charlie.” Charlie’s out there but you won’t see him he’s too clever for that. But trust me he’s out there. He has a complex of secret tunnels and caves he uses to hide from the public and hold private fundraisers in secret underground bunkers with people you don’t know the names of.

It’s so bad! (How bad is it?) Gardner the incumbent, is running as the outsider. He wants us to send him to Washington to clean up the mess he worked whole-heartedly to create. In a current ad Gardner says, “Colorado has a pretty good system. One Democratic Senator and one Republican.” There, do you need a better reason to put some in power over you? I guess we have to pick Corey; our other Senator is a Democrat. But you only know that Charlie is out there because he comes up to vote with Trump 80% of the time and then slips back in his lair. He ain’t got nothing to say about nothing, you couldn’t beat an opinion out of him that wasn’t written by the White House. After voting three times to end Obamacare Gardner airs an ad with his Mother talking about covering pre-existing conditions. “Oh Buzz, how I miss you already.”

No foul play is suspected in the death of the fly and no autopsy has been requested. Funeral arrangements are being handled by Acme Janitorial. “My brother didn’t die for nothing. There are thousands more just like him! He’ll be there at the backyard barbeque and he’ll be there when you’re trying to work on your car. Whenever police are beating a guy up, he’ll be there. He’ll be there any time a Republican bares his head or anytime a dog takes a squat!”

Few can achieve folk hero status from just one event. From standing in front of an Army tank in Tiananmen Square to standing on the Vice President’s head.  

This fly is your fly, this fly is my fly, from California to Mike Pence eyelid. From the redwood forests to the oval office, this fly was made for you and me!

Buzz on CNN

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