The Orange Bird of Crappiness

By David Glenn Cox

The classics never go out of style. A Central Florida businessman was kind enough to include a letter in the pay envelope for his employees. “Ya know, if the Republicans don’t win this election, I might have to start laying you people off. You wouldn’t want that to happen…would you? But it’s your choice, you go ahead vote your conscience. Vote Republican or kiss your job goodbye! This was common in the thirties labor struggles, “If you vote in the Union, I’ll probably have to let some of you go. If you require me to install belt guards, I’ll probably have to let some of you go. If you make me, install fire extinguishers some of you are history. If I can’t use children in my factory…I’ll find a minority group.

Then there is the special notice sent in a plain white envelope without a return address. SPECIAL NOTICE: Due to high volume Democrats will vote on Wednesday, November 4, 2020, and Republicans will vote on Tuesday, November 3, 2020. The California Republican Party is setting up phony ballot collection points because why? A simple map for voters to the actual ballot box is somehow too difficult? “Barney and Goober just got back from the Home Depot with more plywood.” There is no logical reason for doing this except cheating. We think it’s important to aid our Latino Brothers and Sisters and all of the minority communities by helping them to vote. We’re Republicans; we do nice things like that for people all the time.

It seems obvious I know, but I read about a bank robbery once where they stuck a sign on the Night Deposit. “Night Deposit out of order leave deposit with guard.” On the side of the bank was an armed security guard with a big iron box. The thefts weren’t discovered until the next day and no suspects have been apprehended. “That won’t work,” but it did. We spend so much of our lives on autopilot. Distracted by a hundred and one modern cares and concerns it’s not like the middle ages when our cares were just fleas and grinding poverty. A time when a person had time to think and scratch.

“What’s new with you?” A flea bit me on my ass! “Yeah, me too.” A simpler time, when all you had to do was bow down to the big holy smokes and support the state church of their choice and you were in like Roscoe. No clever ploys or tricks, “There’s god bow down give money!” A simple system, it worked well for hundreds of years.  Rich people in charge, rich people making the rules and poor people take it up the ying yang.  Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit trickle down economics.

You really have to wonder about a Party that puts out phony ballot collection sites. What was that committee meeting like? “I vote we build phony ballot collection points!” Okay, that’s four votes for phony ballot boxes and one vote for blowing up the world. There were once these two executives on an elevator in New York discussing plans for a struggling hamburger chain. Proposing huge advertising budgets with contests and give aways. The bell rang as the janitor got off and as he passed, he said, “Why don’t you try making better hamburgers?” The Republican dilemma, if you can’t get them to eat your hamburgers, convince them they aren’t hungry.

If voting doesn’t matter, why are Republicans going to such great lengths to stop it? What kind of political party runs on a platform of gerrymandering and voter suppression anyway? A President of these here United States says he might not honor an election and his party says, “Gulp, okay.” We have reached the dregs of the wine, the USS Hindentrump is approaching the mooring mast at Lakehurst. Mirrored Ray bans for everybody! Last one out of the Fuhrer Bunker is a rotten egg!

Back in the Middle ages, you could get the Pope to issue a Papal Bull. “My brother in law Lenny is a heretic please kill him. Signed, the Pope.” Then if someone killed Lenny, the Pope would say “Cool, preciate ya.” It didn’t matter if you were a heretic or not someone wanted you gone and had the money to get it done.  The Pope only wanted to improve his power with the next King who thought about saying “Stuff it” to the Pope.

 The orange dope Pope supports right wing violence in Michigan for the same reason, it improves his power. “Look what I did! The all-powerful OZ has spoken! The stable genius knows all about everything except who the Proud Boys and QAnon folks are. The narcissist who doesn’t know he is at the center of a comic book mystery cult conspiracy where Donald Trump is somehow Superman bow down before him! Why would he waste his time on something like that? “Look! Up in the sky! It’s an orange bird! It’s an orange plane! Look out, it’s crashing to earth orangely!”

The Biden camp says, “don’t let up” this is 2020 anything is possible. Giant spider reports could be credible as they prepare the wooden stake and practice up on a few bible verses for good luck. Wise advice, whether running for office or ridding the world of vampires. Daddy told me you can only steal a close election you can’t steal a landslide. “Hey look, we found another box with 50,000 more votes for our side!” There’s not enough pie left to scrap off the crust. A few hundred stolen ballots won’t stem the tide of a landslide.

There is more knowledge in a beat down than can be learned with a slap on the wrist. Joe Biden might not be the best candidate to ever come down the pike, but at least he says he’ll respect our vote. He’s telling everyone to get out and vote. His opponent is trying to suppress the vote and trying to undermine its legitimacy. It has gone beyond politics and dirty tricks; do you believe in Democracy or not?

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