Trumpy TV

Falling through the universe at the speed of speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Ever so slowly the defeated President is being dragged to reality like a dead White elephant on the White House lawn. Progress is being made; Trump is looking for the villains who cost him this election. Looking for villains is but a single step away from admitting defeat. We lost, but it was somebodies’ fault. The Trumpy spawn are divided. Ivanka and Jared have their own income and advise the orange one to move on before his shenanigans hurt their brand. Don Junior (you must be this high to ride.) wants daddy to fight down to the last servant, fearful he will never get another free drink in this town again if daddy loses. The boys work only for themselves and daddy writes the checks.

White House staffers have been warned, anyone caught looking for a job will be fired. Anyone caught wearing a parachute will be thrown from the airplane. Trumpy is justifying the asterisk that will forever be beside his name. Trumpy is a man with serious mental illnesses historically rising to the level of George III of England. I once heard it described as a narrow view of reality. Regardless of facts, prejudices and preconceived notions always tip the scale. You say, “Lots of rain in Texas.” They say, “Mexican farm workers.” You say, “It’s cold in Boston.” They say, “God dammed Liberals.” Everything spinning on an axis of hate around a central hub of bigotry.

After Don Quixote charged the windmill, he was a man lost. No more windmills to charge. No more quests.  You gotta have a dream, even if it’s a delusional one. Something to make you get up in the morning and put whiskey in your coffee. This is one aspect of Donald Trump I truly admire. After being kicked in the balls in business and failing spectacularly time after time, he gets up and fearlessly fails again. If I had half of his failures, I’d be too ashamed to leave the house. I would be too embarrassed to walk into a bank expecting the security guards to grab me on the spot. My picture posted prominently in the breakroom.

Motivation plus money can bring success. Ideas without money equals pipedream. Donny had an epiphany, “go forth and bring upon this continent a new conservative news network. Conceived in dipshitery and dedicated the proposition never give a sucker and even break.” Trumpy has found his guilty party and now he’s going to get em. Faux News called Arizona for Joe Biden and must die for it. Faux must die so Trumpy can live. Trumpy’s motivation is revenge with the added attraction of being on TV twenty-four hours a day. Finally, an alternative to Faux, Newsmax, One America Network, and Faux Business. From the people who brought you Trump Steaks, Trump University and Trump Airlines, Trumpy TV! What could possibly go wrong?

Trumpy TV Schedule

6:00 AM Sunrise Semester: Trump university lecture on the social importance of the book, “The Art of the Deal.”

7:00 AM The Apprentice [Rerun]

8:00 AM News, Breakfast with Bimbos: News and opinion with Guilfoyle & McEnany.

8:15 AM “Catfight!” [News] with Guilfoyle & McEnany.

9:00 AM Sara Sanders Says! [Game show] Lucky contestants try to win prizes by guessing when Sara tells the truth without using reality as a crutch to lean on.

10:00 AM My Pillow Guy [Infomercial]

11:00 AM Rudy’s World [Public Affairs] Part one of two, today Rudy Giuliani looks at the long-term effects of venereal disease on the minds of once great politicians. How they crave alcohol trying to silence the worms that are slowly eating out their brains and other news of the day.

12:00 PM Kelly Ann Conway Concocts the News [Opinion] News and fashion tips today’s topic, “How to prove you don’t smoke Meth anymore.”

1:00 PM Great Moments in Trump [News] Expose’s exposing the wrongs committed against Donald Trump. Today’s episode – How the Democrats insisted it was still the Washington Monument after Trump renamed it the Trump Memorial.  

2:00 PM If You Can’t Cut It, Maybe We Can! [Infomercial] Rudy Giuliani gives lawn and garden tips, how to tell if your weed eater is out of gas and where to find a bathroom outdoors are the topics covered.

3:00 PM The Don Junior Show [Investment/Finance] Don Jr. gives his Wall Street perspective plus a special feature, “What exactly is pump and dump?”

4:00 PM “Presidential Socks” [News] Former first Lady Malaria Trump discusses the socks worn during great moments of Presidential stress and accomplishment. Tonight, Harry Truman’s Airlift Socks.

5:00 PM The All Trumpy News [News, Opinion] All Trumpy News, if it’s not pro-Trump, you didn’t hear it here.

6:00 PM “Sing a Long with Trump!” [Entertainment] Join the former President as he sings his favorite show tunes and country classics! Tonight, the former President covers Kid Rock, Kanye West and the late Johnny Cash! ( I Hear the Train a Coming)

7:00 PM “Trump Theater” [Entertainment] [Rerun] “How Donald Trump Conquered the Moon Monsters.” The true unedited story of how Donald Trump saved the world yet again, only to be treated as a red headed Irishman who owed money. Brad Pitt & Emo Phillips (2021)

9:00 PM “Not My Fault!” [Panel Discussion] An ad hock panel of talking heads generated by basic availability will discuss the pros and less pros of avoiding responsibility at all costs. Tonight – “Of course I was driving; I was way too drunk to walk.”  

10:00 PM “The Trump Hour” [Entertainment] Ninety minutes of Donald Trump up close and personal. Stories and reflections. There is no whopper too tall to fit in the Trump Hour. Tonight, “How I would have handled D-Day differently, what Eisenhower got wrong.”

There is endless frustration in trying to satirize Donald Trump. There is no top or bottom to it. Mark Twain said, “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to possibilities; Truth isn’t.” And neither is Donald Trump. A sad chapter in America to be annotated with historical asterisks forever.

‘If at first you don’t succeed try again, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”   – W.C. Fields

A special thank you to everyone from “This Carbon-Based Life’s” one-year anniversary. Twenty-five thousand views. I am humbled. I thank you all!

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