The Sky is Falling News Network

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

“Yes, I’m reading your loan paperwork and it says here you want to buy a conservative news network.”

Yes.

“Do you think it’s probable that you’ll make any money?”

That doesn’t matter.

“Why would you want to borrow hundreds of millions of dollars if it doesn’t matter if you make any money?”

Revenge!

“You want to spend millions of dollars of other people’s hard-earned money just to seek your revenge?”

Sure, why not? I do it all the time, it’s not my money. Besides, it is doubtful we would ever pay the money back regardless of the reason. Just because we buy Mother Theresa a golden girdle and a peek a boo bra, doesn’t mean we have any intention of paying for it.  

“Just for the sake of idle curiosity, who is it that you seek your revenge from?”

Let’s just say a small furry woodland creature with a digital television network. I started the term Fake News you know, and for three and a half years they let me say any bat shit crazy thing I wanted to say. Then! After the election they fucked me by telling the truth. The one time it counted, and they told the truth. Those mothers and after all I’ve done for them. They didn’t have to call Arizona when they did ya know!

“Did you eventually win Arizona?”

Well no, but that’s beside the point! They didn’t have to call it. Nobody else did!

“Were the polls closed nationwide?”

Yes, but that’s beside the point. They didn’t have to call it!

“Would it have changed the outcome of the election?”

No, but they didn’t have to call Arizona when they did.

“Getting back to your business plan. How long do you think it will take to seek this revenge of yours?”

Just until they go out of business. Six…seven weeks tops.

“What is it that you plan on doing differently than your competitor?”

We are going to have me! Lots and lots of me! And Ivanka has got her unicycle out and Jared is working on his juggling routine, Malaria is going to do a streamer dance. It’ll be great! I’ll teach those bastards to mess with me! Go ahead, call Arizona and see what it will get you, you bastards!

“Have you done any market research?”

What? Come again?

“Market research, is anyone else making any money at this?”

I dunno, this is about my revenge. Weren’t you listening?

“I must say that this is quite a dangerous endeavor putting our investors at great risk.”

Calm down, I didn’t say you couldn’t wet your beak. A man that approves loans like these needs to be compensated in a manner consummate with his future unemployment demands.

“I’m trying to determine if it is even possible to make any money. How long did it take your competitor to make money?”

I dunno, ten years, I guess.

“So, you are looking for an open-ended commitment for as long as a decade?”

No, it won’t take us nearly as long with me in charge.

“Other than Dairy Queen have you ever seen a business succeed with only one flavor?”

But my audience is huge!

“Your audience will be half of your competitor, if that. Your opponent has a twenty-five-year head start and you have a track record of unrelenting and unmitigated failure. Based almost entirely in your need to interfere in areas where you have no expertise.”

But my audience is loyal.

“They may be loyal if they can find you. Located on satellite channel 962 between the Pottery channel and the Puppy dog channel.”

I’ll bring real conservatives together!

“You’ll shatter the conservative brand into a thousand pieces taking part of it down a rat hole with you to die. You’re seventy-four years old, how long do you think you can peddle uphill out of office? What’s the eventual goal here? After you get your revenge, then what?”

Then I will become the President in absentia. The Dauphin dethroned and his throne taken over by the devil’s dark children. The victim of a dozen Goldstein plots and of an evil world out to get me. The Mercury Theater of the Air will have nothing on us. I’ll have them thinking the Martians have landed in Sudbury. Joe Biden has soldiers going door to door confiscating Bibles. Won’t you please contribute today?

“What are your chances of winning re-election after creating the Party of cranks and kooks and frightened old people?” How long can Little Orphan Annie keep up the decoder ring gambit? When the demographic says burial plots and Medicare supplement plans.”

What, are you kidding me? I had a hundred thousand idiots wild in the streets over nothing just last weekend. Just because I was displeased.

“How many do you think will come next time?”

I dunno.

“And the time after that? “

So, you’re telling me I don’t get the money?

“No, no, no, I’d love to give you the money. But unfortunately, we here at the Russian Mafia don’t work that way. We think it is better you get the money from wealthy Republican donors. Criminals of lessor known calibers interested in hitching their wagons to a falling star. After January, you won’t be the Main Event; you’ll be a preliminary filling out the card. The tired ex-champ trying to mount a comeback. Just another guy yelling, “Hey look at me the sky is falling again this week! Coming up next, The Sky is Falling Again!”

That’s what we were going to call it! The Sky is Falling News Network!

Hi friends, this is your old pal former President Donald Trump. Do you ever want to cook a hamburger, but you can’t because it’s raining out or the Democrats passed a law against cooking outside? Well now you can with the exclusive, Donald Trump brand Hamburger cooker. Made in a part of China a lot like the United States it comes with its own red, white, and blue leatherette carrying case. Fits neatly into luggage when you travel. Though obviously identical it is different from other hamburger cookers in that it has the patented White Teflon coating with the KKK seal of approval. I was once President of the United States of America, now I just sell the best hamburger cookers in the whole world!

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