A Very Trumpy Christmas

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Like a bad science fiction movie, it’s all starting to crack up. Trump world is “On the Beach” and now sees its own imminent extinction. For weeks living in denial, Crow T. Robot just shakes his head, “It just can’t be!” Science has now proven conclusively that Comet Biden/Harris 46 will strike the White House on the afternoon of January 20th leaving no survivors.   Attorney General Bill Barr emerged from his self-imposed Alzheimer’s to announce that it is all true. The end is near. “I’m sorry to admit there was no fraud in the election no matter what grifter scam the President is currently running.” We now return you to your delusion, already in progress.

The panic is beginning to set up as Rudi Giuliani seeks a pardon…preemptively. “You know me! I’m not always in my right mind, and I have a drinking problem to boot! That’s substance abuse! That’s a disease! I’m a victim here! Because of my, shall we say “problem” I don’t always remember what I might have done from day to day. I have these women calling me outta the blue saying we’ve had sex but, I don’t know! It’s all a blur. So, if you could see your way clear to pardoning me, I’ll knock ten percent off your legal bill. I am still your lawyer, right?”

The family that pardons together hardens together? I dunno, kind of hard to make that one work. But the Trump children line up to see President Orange Claudius, like waiting to see Santa. And what do you want for Christmas little girl? Have you been a good girl?” Well, see daddy that’s what I want to talk with you about. I want the biggest fluffiest pardon imaginable for me and my brilliant husband. He brought peace between the United Arab Emirates and Israel you know. Whew, that was a close one! Anyway, if you could just sign it and leave the charges blank, we can fill it in as we go.

“Fruit of my loin and child of an ex-wife, you shall have your pardon unless of course I need to throw you under the bus. For you more than all my other children understand, “If one of us goes down, it ain’t gonna be me Babe.” I like that about you! You’re a fighter!”

Gee Dad, I really want to run for President in 2024. “Junior, there is a little white line that starts in Colombia and ends at your nose. That’s the only thing you’re running for.” What? How could you possibly think I’m on drugs Dad? “If you think you are going to throw shade on me in 2024. You are either on drugs, or you need to be.” Okay Dad, I’ll take the pardon.

“Eric my son by legal definition alone, what can I get for you?” Courage! I want courage. “How many times do I have to tell you, Eric? I’m your father, not the Wizard of Oz.” But that’s so cool when you said, “I’m your father” all Darth Vader and stuff. “Eric, my pardon to you is a pardon for me. Besides, it was either that or have you mysteriously disappeared AKA visiting Jimmy Hoffa.”  Who is Fredo daddy?

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice and I’m a Trump voter! A. Donald Trump won the election, despite massive unproven fraud by the Democrats. B. Donald Trump plans to pardon his lawyer and his children because they have not committed any crimes. It’s hard to balance that equation but fortunately it’s the end of the world so few will have a chance to notice. Not watch Faux News? Really? Do you really mean it? How can we not watch Faux News? I can’t bear to look they’re being so unfair to President Trump saying he lost the election.

Like the last days of the Fuhrer bunker they delusionally prepare enemies lists of those who failed their loyalty test and followed the law. “And there’s one smoking a joint and that one’s got spots! If I had my way, I’d have all of you shot!” Pink isn’t well he stayed back at the hotel. Republicans screaming with their hair on fire defiant in their ashes and sack cloth “It just can’t be!”

“I know not what course others may take, but I’ll be an asshole about it!” – proposed invocation for the Trump Presidential Library. The Trump Administration has announced that it will boycott Joe Biden’s Inauguration and won’t invite him in for tea or even call him on the phone. Breaking an unbroken tradition going back to George Washington of forty-four previous Administrations where the head of state was an adult. Anyone surprised by this, should pick up your free RC Cola and Moon Pie at participating locations only. Trump will probably have interns on the White House roof shouting, “Nanny nanny, boo boo!” While pretending to masturbate as the Biden motorcade rides by.  

Kayleigh McEnany left her hibernating tube to correct the media that President Trump had appointed the first all-female communications team. It was then explained to McEnany that Biden team actually intends on communicating and not just playing solitaire on the office computer all day. The President’s Communications director had nothing further to say and returned to her solitaire. We did that first. Mom always liked you best, the Rodney Dangerfield defense. Go take a bath and play with your toaster.

The last sad Christmas in the White House, knowing the end grows near as the comet grows larger in the sky. Reality crashing to Earth into four years of non-reality at thirty-two frames a second. “How could this happed Mr. Wizard? They’ve all turned against me. Faux News and the Governor of Georgia, and the Secretary of State of Georgia all turned against me! The Governor of Arizona and even my own Attorney General! The spies are everywhere! Off with their heads! Off with their heads! It’s the end of the world! The end of the world! Hey, those are my wall mount TV brackets and we’re taking them with us!”

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Hark the herald angel sing glory to the newborn king.”

Shut up Eric!

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