By David Glenn Cox
We have an expression down South, “That boy could fuck up a bread sandwich.” After months of ambivalence and foot dragging the orange abomination waits until 11:59 of the last day to get involved. And as you might expect the results have been disastrous for the Republicans. First, the only reason Mitch McConnell and the Republicans ever agreed to a $600 direct stimulus payout was to try and sway the Georgia runoff. Democratic Candidate Jon Ossoff called the $600 figure, “A joke!” Then Donald Trump agreed with him.
In an orange flash Trumpy undercut the Republican Senate, undercut his own Treasury Secretary’s weeks of negotiation and undercut the Republican candidates in Georgia. Plus, with the added side benefit of gifting millions of Americans with worry and anxiety for Christmas. It’s like that last scene in, “It’s a Wonderful Life” To the assembled crowd, “To Donald Trump, the biggest bastard in town!” Look Mama, Teacher says every time a bell rings Donald Trump is fucking something up!
Then the orange prince of madness wakes from his stupor and says, “$600? That’s a joke make it $2,000! And take out some other stuff I don’t like and get the jelly stains off the margin.” In Scrabble they call that a Triple word score, an orange Pearl Harbor. Mitch McConnell was all set to spend the holidays in his palace of wickedness roasting children by a roaring fire and drinking raw tears. Now what is the three-hundred-year-old turtle looking SOB supposed to do?
The Democrats as expected were joyous at the arrival of the Trump torpedo. “$2,000 that’s a great idea! Wow, you really are smart! Well, you heard the man Mitch. Let’s get cracking!” But more to the point Trump is using the lives of tens of millions of struggling Americans at Christmas to wreak his petty vengeance on Congress. Reports say the Presidential elevator no longer visits the top floor. Trumpy has complained that Mike Pence didn’t fight hard enough for him. Mike Pence carries mouthwash and a towel with him for Pete sake. The coo coo clock still chimes, but the little bird no longer comes out of his house anymore.
Boy! I say boy! Do write these people a check and let us be quick about it, that’s a good lad! Orange Trumpy is Scrooge redeemed on Christmas Day and Mitch McConnell is beating Tiny Tim with his own crutch for his lunch money. Nancy Kerrigan best watch her step with orange Tonya in the house. Orange Trumpy will fight down to the last struggling American. He will humiliate his own Party and embarrass himself and force millions into destitution to just keep his face on page one.
The Republicans are stung by a barb they cannot pull out. If they don’t support the $2,000 at Christmas time, they look like the Grinch. If they do, they look like feckless droids in the Trump Party. Invertebrate Wrenfield’s groveling at the feet of the master with the timer set to go off. The last time a President did something like this, wait. No President has ever, ever done anything like this to his own Party. No President has ever, ever done anything like this to the American people. With unemployment running out for millions and eviction moratoriums expiring the Presidential nightmare holds up succor, so he can smite his enemies one last time. A bee sting! I bet you need this epinephrine pen I got right here. What will you give me for it?
Remember us? We are the Republican Senate that smothered the Mueller investigation and squelched the impeachment for you. To the those he should be most grateful to for bailing him out of jail he is most angry with for letting him lose the election. “Come on kids! If we all try real hard, we can overthrow these Democratic institutions!” But treason is like ice skating on the lake on a warm day nobody can identify it until somebody falls through. Once the first one goes, they all go so signing on to play crack the whip is ill advised. Proud Boys, rednecks and Cretans rallied in support of White Privilege at the Oregon state capital breaking windows shoving police and spraying bear repellent on capital police. No fatalities were reported, and no right-wing media outlets were disturbed.
I would like to propose a caveat to the 25th Amendment. That cabinet members by their oath are sworn Constitutional officers. That ignoring the 25th Amendment when it should clearly be invoked is crime punishable by life in prison. Too easy to hide under the table and say, “I wasn’t there that day! I was on a fact-finding mission to Monaco.” Go ahead and tell the American people you think Trump is just fine. “It’s good that you made that now wish it away into the cornfield! K-Tell presents The Stockholm Syndrome Survivors singing their greatest hits including, “He’s so Fine, Under My Thumb and Just my Imagination.”
You don’t have to be a doctor to diagnose a bullet wound. You don’t have to be a choo choo engineer to know when all the wheels aren’t on the track. Orange Trumpy’s behavior is beyond normal ranges. He is attacking those around him and attacking his own party because they let him down. “Gee whiz, All I wanted was one single Coup de tat! And you let me down! So now I’m gonna let you down! You and a couple of dozen million Americans and their kids at Christmas.