By David Glenn Cox
I get up every morning and immediately go online to see if the missiles are on the way or if Trump is dancing naked on the White House lawn yet. I just want to know whether to make breakfast or not. You’re watching fireworks and then they stop and you’re uncertain, is the show over? Or is the Grand Finale about to begin? Another day, another catastrophe, another revelation, another resignation. Drip, drip, drip, and that is the good news! For a large segment of the Republican population in the Capitol. In the space of a week, the scandal has taken the shape of a rather large sink hole and has grown from, “Gee, this is serious” to “Gee, I could be in trouble here” to “Gee, I really ought to brush up on which countries don’t have extradition treaties.” I asked myself, how bad is this? This is getting your hair caught in a ceiling fan with your finger in a light socket while stepping on a Lego while flying with Amelia Erhardt.
By a slight majority Missourians prefer Josh Hawley resign and he might as well. As the scandal grows, his numbers will never get any better and the sinkhole yaws. Drip, drip, drip, and when the first one goes, the bottom drops out and falls like wet plaster on the floor. Like Shiners falling out of a clown car standing up in dismay, how did I get here? If the accusations of Republican logistical assistance are proved true against three Republican Congressman, “Hello, Atlanta Federal Correctional? I got three for ya.” They are not just going to prison. They’re going to license plate making, steamy laundry prison gang prison where the suicide rate is in double digits. Where the prison infirmary is a box of band aides and a bottle of Tylenol on a shelf outside the morgue.
Never before has an insurrection been so well filmed. It is a lead pipe certainty, if you were on the Capitol grounds on the 6th the FBI has a picture of you on a wall someplace. If you were to attend the inauguration and the FBI were to notice, they would probably endeavor to make contact and start you on your long journey through the Federal Corrections system. “Welcome! You have been chosen to be among the first group of those about to be made examples of.”
Employment agencies report Trump Administration staffers are struggling to find further employment. “Well, let’s see, it says here you were foreign policy analyst for the Trump Administration in the Commerce Department. What do you know about French fries? Have you ever considered dog walking as a career? Or maybe starting your own lawn service? I have a friend that will get you a good price on some mowers.” Forbes Magazine published an editorial saying, if you hire any of these people, we will assume everything about your company is a lie. Like the Cat in the Hat Comes Back, the taint spreads from the boss down to the staffers down to anyone who would dare hire them. Trump didn’t drain the swamp he nuked it and made them all forever radioactive.
I laughed myself silly last night; a lawyer floated a trial balloon on CNN, “What if the Congressman didn’t know the tour, they were giving was actually reconnaissance? A friend of yours calls and asks, “Hey, can you give me a ride to the bank?” You answer, sure. Your friend emerges from the bank holding a pistol over his head firing warning shots in the air with a bag of money in his hand. Guess what? You are going to prison for Felony Bank Robbery. Whether you knew what your friend was up to or not does not matter one wit. You know now. Mama said, choose your friends wisely but apparently, they didn’t listen.
This scandal, which makes Watergate an office party. The Trumpy Insurrection will rattle the gates of heaven and blow out the fires of hell. The price for number two roofing tar has skyrocketed and the price for a pound of goose feathers is getting outrageous. In all things there is irony as Trumpy was pressured by staff to disown the rioters. Now the rioters are throwing Trumpy under the bus. “We came because the President called us! We did what he wanted us to do. We may be being dupes, but he’s the criminal.” One of the rioters told a judge he was a responsible citizen with five children. I don’t know if he was looking for slack or wanted child protective services notified. “Daddy is rioting in the Capitol dear; he’ll be home on Sunday.”
Large Bitcoin disbursements from overseas only turbo charges the need to procure spots in the witness protection program for some of these people immediately, before they suffer inevitable accidents bound to begin. His gun accidently discharged five times or was killed in a rare toaster oven accident. If there is a foreign government involved, it is Katie bar the door. Ted Cruz will decide to follow the footsteps of Arne Saknussemm and search for the center of the Earth and dozens of Republicans will discover the immediate need to spend more time with their families. Maybe hike the Appalachian trail or take that long deep space mission they have been putting off.
And yet, this is the rumble of Krakatoa not the eruption. This is but fair warning of the eruption to come and the taint in the air. Guilt by association, you didn’t know it was porn theater! You we only helping that woman with something lodged in her throat in the parking lot between two parked cars. I believed the guy who said he found the zip ties on the floor, until he said he was looking for a policeman to give them to, he was only holding on to them so nothing bad happened. Lott’s one good man, a good Samaritan in the midst of chaos, in the midst of that smell.