Senate Select Committee on Volcanoes

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

There is a plot afoot being hatched by Senate Republicans. Mitch McConnell was watching Frankenstein on the late, late movie the other night, when the idea hit him. “We could trap him in the old windmill with torches and pitchforks and then set fire to it!” The him in question is, of course, the con artist formerly known as Trump. It has begun to dawn on Senate Republicans that the bad smell of insurrection isn’t going to go away anytime soon. Someone needs to pay the price and be thrown into the volcano to appease the angry serpent gods. Otherwise, the scandal blossoms under investigation. The taint of Republican Treason begins to ripen just as the House campaign for 2022 kicks off.

Then a wee, small voice spoke up uncertain of itself, being their conscience and all and having never spoken up before. “Why don’t you pin it on the fat guy who doesn’t work here anymore?” But, but that would be the right thing to do! Would America ever tolerate Republicans doing the right thing? Would America ever forgive us? I think we have a rule in our charter against that! You can’t make us do the right thing! We have our rights!

Suddenly, the calculations all make sense! Eureka! Honey, come quick, I’ve figured it all out! “We are still here in Washington, and Trump is in Florida without out even a Twitter account! See, watch, I can say Donald Trump is a dumb ass and nothing bad happens. The lights still work, and the ground doesn’t shake! Do you know what this means? It means we can all gang up on that orange mo fo. Throw a bag over his head stick him with a shive and get away clean in the Bronco and be home before the limo arrives!

If A. The guy who caused all this is gone. Then B. the voters might blame us who are still here because Trump is shit proof. He’s shit Teflon, no matter how much shit you throw at him it never sticks. And C. because we are up to our eyes in guilty. I propose we convict Trump, declare the scandal over and call it a day. No more Trump, no more terror, no more threat. No more Frankenstein.

Okay, now everybody remember to act extra solemn about this, solemn is important. No flowered shirts or funny hats and no shooting iron! We aren’t supposed to be happy about this even though we are. We are ecstatic! We are doing our Constitutional duty and there is no one we’d rather do it too than the con artist formerly known as Trump! Wear dark suits and speak in low tones everybody about what a sad day it is for America. But sometimes the greatness of America is that after the peaceful transition of power. Republicans can come together with a plan to drown that fat orange greaseball in the tub and look patriotic doing it!

Mister Speaker, I rise today with a great sadness in my heart. Like Icarus our great President flew too close to the sun. The wax melted from his wings and he crashed down to the Earth causing the events of January 6th. He alone is responsible in this, and he alone must pay the price and so mister speaker with a heavy heart I must vote today to convict our dear President, the con artist formally known as Trump.

Gee America, we’re really sorry about that. We hated to do it. We know how you like the guy and all. But golly gosh what he did was wrong. And there is enough blame to go around but we’re doing our best to make sure that never happens. By convicting Trump and tying this whole thing on him like strings of tin cans tied around his ankles Republicans hope to bury this whole treason unpleasantness. Well, he thought he was god, so we crucified him, those things happen let’s move on.  

It’s quick it’s clean, chop, chop! The guys not here; he’s looking for lawyers online. We convict him and he is removed though he’s already gone! It’s a punishment without a punishment. He doesn’t even have a Twitter account to fight back. He has no way to tell America about how the Republican Party is planning to have their way with the con artist formerly known as Trump. To slay the Jabberwock while still cowering in fear. With forty-nine Democrats and Joe Manchin the Republicans only need seventeen votes to make this bad dream all go away. But some are wary, and they remind McConnell of the many squeals to the Frankenstein franchise. Just burning the old windmill down might not work.

Well then, what is the alternative? The proud boys and QAnon have begun to sour on the con artist formerly known as Trump. “Hey, wait a minute! He’s not Chuck Norris! And he didn’t fight in Vietnam!” Where is Vietnam? They have discovered that he isn’t as Jet all the way from his first cigarette to his last dying day. And when he says, “I’ll meet you at the rumble he means, later, after the rumble. And when he says he’s marching with you; he only means that metaphorically. When he says, you gotta fight he only meant metaphorically.

But this plan is perfect like a Labor Day telethon, it helps to rehabilitate all the Republicans who might have the smell of insurrection on their clothes. For history shall remember; In the end they did the right thing. They saved their careers. And if one victim is not enough to appease the angry serpent gods. Tell Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley they have just won an all-expense paid fact-finding trip to Hawaii for a meeting of the Senate Select committee on Volcanoes.

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