I’m Here Collecting for the Republican Party

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Another day, another Road Runner Republican cartoon. Comedian and part-time invertebrate Marjorie Taylor Green identifies the cause of California wildfires as a Jewish space-based laser system. As videos of Green surface stalking and taunting a schoolboy. Kevin McCarthy soils the knees of his pants on the sands of Mira Lago. And activists are seeking to have Ted Cruz declared his own gender. Thus, making it impossible for Cruz to legally use the restroom anywhere in the state of Texas. Okay, I made the last one up but…hint, hint. It is a nightmare out of scripture. It is a bad brown acid trip during a Twilight Zone Marathon. It’s the proverbial frog in the blender three minutes after hitting the puree button.

I give up! What next? Lauren Boebert does a pole dance with Francis the talking mule? Gym Jordan arrives at the Capitol wearing his wrestling togs and declares, he’s ready to defend America best two out of three falls! All that is missing is a pie fight. Mack Sennett political mastermind. Josh Hawley is twisting balloon animals into colorful swastikas for the kids. I can see Mitch McConnell trying to chair a meeting, “God Damn it! Shut up! For the love of God! Won’t you people try to act like a normal human being for just five minutes? No space lasers, no aliens and I don’t want to hear about what God just told you!

Political parties come and go, but I’ve never seen one stupid it’s self out of existence before. It’s pandemonium in Mrs. Glotfelty’s out of control sixth grade class as she weeps alone in the teacher’s lounge. My father told me when he was a boy; spittoons were commonplace. Every store had a spittoon, but then it became a socially unacceptable thing to do. Chewing tobacco was relegated to the lower classes, rednecks and Cowboys. Welcome to the new Republican Party. A loose collection of kooks, religious zealots, racists, and conspiracy theorists who are rapidly becoming socially unacceptable.

A serious and somber bank vice-president who believes in Jewish space lasers? Up for promotion by his board of directors, “Tell us about this space laser.”  The president of the Civitan’s gives a speech on QAnon as the crowd begins to make its way towards the exits. You attend a Republican planning meeting and the guy next to you is wearing Hell’s Angels colors and has a swastika tattooed on his forehead! Their days as a normal political party behind them as the Republicans sink slowly into the sunset. You will be given five minutes to speak right after the lady who thinks elves are stealing from her garden. “My telephone is watching me, and the coffee pot is taking notes! 5G is the devil.” Being a Republican becomes more a possible symptom of mental illness than a political persuasion.

They have sown the fringe and now reap the whirlfringe. Donald Trump has radicalized the voiceless and given voice to the mindless. Joe Biden’s first week in office found him with 63% approval and all he did was not be Donald Trump. The My Pillow Guy needs to look up The My Box of Kleenex Guy. He’s whining up a blue streak about his products being bounced from retail stores. Capitalism is about free choices and if you run your mouth and make yourself unpopular, it’s not the media’s fault. Isn’t that right Poppa John? You couldn’t sell Manson Family Ranch Dressing, no matter how good it tastes. “Charlie says, you’ll love it!”

But their throne is empty, and their leader is lost to them. They meander on the trail mumbling about space lasers and their right to carry a handgun into Congress. Don’t stand in front of the courthouse door as fifty thousand Republicans nationwide have gone out of their way in just three weeks to change their party affiliation. They are making it clear they want no part of this Bullshit. Me, I’m lazy. I’d probably wait until closer to election day or just not vote Republican, but this fifty thousand is making a statement. If this is Republican, count me out!

To you and me it’s as obvious as a bottle at a temperance meeting but the Republicans still don’t get it. “What do you mean they don’t like Donald Trump?” They want to rebuild Trumpism without Trump and expect the masses to swarm them with acclaim. A cult of personality without a personality becomes a Tuesday night book club discussion of Noam Chomsky in southern Mississippi. Don’t expect a crowd and don’t make too much punch.

There is a general revulsion to Donald Trump. The reason the My Pillow Guy is out on his ass is because he joined himself to Trump, and most Americans don’t want anything to do with anything, affiliated with Donald Trump. He is that piece of hard candy lodged in our throat choking us, that once expelled makes us nervous about hard candy in general. That bad movie we saw in the theater and don’t want to watch again on TV.

One hundred and forty-seven House Republicans supported Trump in his big lie. They had no moral qualms or second thoughts about overthrowing the government. They defended Trump in his impeachment, and Republican Senators will vote to let the guilty go free! But here’s the funny part, they think they will be reelected. They might be reelected in the South were reading and writing ain’t so important, but in other society circles where one wants to be taken seriously? Being a vocal Republican conjures the image of spitting tobacco juice into a spittoon while playing with your handgun and listening to banjo music.

The Party of Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Green. Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley. The Party of Jewish Space lasers and QAnon. Pizza Parlors, cannibalism, and child sex. The world is really flat you know! They never really landed on the moon! It was all fake! Everything is fake. McDonald’s is run by space aliens! 5G is all about mind control. All judges are all crooked and elections are all fixed! And I’m here collecting for the Republican Party.

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