To Pimp a Criminal

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

In the epic novel, “To Kill a Mockingbird” Atticus Finch, is a White Southern lawyer tasked with defending an innocent Black man in the Jim Crow south.  Its purpose was to show us the nobility of the law even when the law fails us. One good man fighting injustice with logic and superior reason trying to overcome generations of ignorance and bigotry with the power of his words as the tragedy unfolds. Then you have My Cousin Vinny in a purple velour tuxedo. Vinny was busy and will not take the case after former President Trumpzilla had asked him. During his first Impeachment trial the orange one had top drawer legal talent flocking to his side but …not this time.  

Goofo the orange clown’s reputation precedes him. When your lead counsel is Rudy Giuliani, and your other lead counsel was disbarred. He brags often about not paying attorneys who don’t win, while tasking them with cases Jesus couldn’t win in the court of heaven. Even Jay Sekulow one-time best lawyer at the 700-club declined. You know if Pat Robertson thinks so…you’re good. Sekulow knows that defending Trumpy is going to be like defending Covid-19 with Covid-19. Like defending a live hand grenade after the pin has been pulled. That one chance in your life to etch your name on the sidewalk of great lawyers stupid enough to sign on with the Ringling Brother’s Barnum & Bailey Administration. “Your Honor, I would like to state categorically and for the record. My client was nowhere near the victim’s house on the night of November 24th!” Where were you on the night of the 24th? “At the victim’s house.”

After an exhaustive Internet search of Washington, New York, Philadelphia, and Boston attorneys, it was decided to call Lindsey Graham. Because Lindsey knows all the best attorneys, right? So, Lindsey found three notable attorneys in South Carolina, willing to throw their careers into the orange volcano dumper. Butch Bowers, Deborah Barbier and Josh Howard have all now officially left the Trumpo legal team. Probably the best legal team money can buy in South Carolina just said, “Nope” and walked away. Big Paychecks, notoriety and maybe a six-figure book deal! I hear Simon & Schuster has an open slot. “Nope! Not me brother!”

This trail of broken tears and legal careers, either under indictment a public laughingstock or both. There is a well-worn legal maxim which says. “Any lawyer who defends Trump has a fool for a client.” As the three South Carolina Attorneys have now discovered. While discussing their legal strategy for defending the orange nightmare from undefendable crimes performed live on national television in the Presidential crime spree of the Century. The orange apocalypse develops his own novel defense strategy and springs it on the team. Are you ready? Election Fraud! His legal team confers, “If there is no problem dropping off the rental cars, we can still catch the four o’clock flight out of here.”

Cue the calliope music, we’re going to the circus. “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages! In the center ring, Goofo the orange victim clown will now defend himself from a charge of insurrection with his world famous, “I’m the victim here defense!”

“All of this ugliness could have been avoided if you’d just let me overthrow the government when I first wanted, so this is really your fault. Isn’t it America? Aren’t we all kind of responsible?” You see the quandary of the Trump legal defense; I hope they made their plane. How many fingers am I holding up? “BLUE!”

Trumpo thinks he can orchestrate the Senate Impeachment trial like the court room scene with Jack Nicholson, “You can’t handle the truth!” The crowds erupt as banner headlines across the world explode, “Trump Vindicated in Election Fraud! Biden steps down as hundreds of Democrats face prison terms!” He’s going to use as his defense, prosecute other people. Possibly the greatest mental incompetence defense ever devised. “You know, if Brad Roethlisberger had found me those votes in Georgia, we wouldn’t even be here! Charge Brad, this is all Brad’s fault! And the corrupt Democrats in Philadelphia! Charge them and charge Doocey; in Arizona, this is all his fault!” Excuse me sir, but the question was, “Is your name Donald John Trump?”

The Secret Presidency of Walter Mitty, “We must march with General Ney towards Toulon!” Wait, first I have to land the space shuttle. A complete and total disconnect as Trump goes to court a defendant who thinks he’s the prosecutor. And with enough dogs and ponies and confefe Donald Trump will do for the Republicans in court what the Hindenburg did for airships in New Jersey. Someone must defend the orange nightmare. Someone must sacrifice themselves and grab the high-voltage power line of Donald J. Trump and hold on. Assume like the Marines storming Okinawa that your life is already forfeit , it’s easier to function that way. Understand going in that this will probably end badly…it usually does.

In reality, it is “To Kill a Mockingbird” in reverse. Atticus Finch could read from the Biloxi phone book in his boxer shorts standing on his head and the orange Nightmare will still be acquitted. “To Pimp a Criminal,” the story of a poor southern lawyer doing his best to defend a President of the United States while not getting close enough to smell him or get any on him. Another sad story from the catalog of “How Bad Do I Stink?” Answer the telephone, simply answer the telephone, fortune awaits. It’s a lottery ticket with a four-way hit of acid attached, and your life will be changed forever. Fame, fortune, and notoriety, simply pick up the phone and say, “Why yes, I’d love to be former President Trump’s attorney.”  

“Your honor, I might only be a lowly traffic court attorney from Sylacauga, Alabama, but the Constitutional principles before us today are clear!”

A lifetime of scorn, disgust, and disrepute. Come on, tune up the violin. The devil’s looking for a soul to steal.

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