By David Glenn Cox
It’s fun to write about Ted Cruz, he has that sad sack Homer Simpson quality about him. A sort of inbuilt Buster Keaton pie in the face gets stood up on blind dates a lot with a yellow flower in his lapel at DUI Friday’s thing. Donald Trump called Ted Cruz’s wife ugly. She may perhaps live down the minor slight of being called ugly, but cannot escape the major insult of being called Ted Cruz’s wife. Sure, Ted did not defend her from Trump’s rather public slight, but what did she expect, she has sex with that man! You might not be ugly, but you are married to Ted Cruz. This is fun, clown coloring is easy.
“I want the men around me to be fat, healthy-looking men who sleep at night. That Cassius over there has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much. Men like him are dangerous.” – Julius Caesar
The only thing worse than the directionless and unambitious are the laser focused ambitious. They that seek goals without scruples, substituting flash and media for performance. Josh Hawley has voted against every single Biden Cabinet appointee, every single one! That is not being a legislator, that’s just being an asshole. “Look at me everybody! I voted against every word that comes out of Joe Biden’s mouth. Hey, Faux News, did you catch that? I’m over here fighting for your god given right to be an asshole too! And, as you probably already know…being a notable asshole in the Republican Party makes me Presidential timber.
But not so fast, you can’t run for President without a book deal. The book deal is the currency of the trade and the coin of the realm. “When you make just a $200 donation to the 700-Club along with the title to your house, you’ll receive a free copy of Josh Hawley’s new book, “My Struggle.” (Read with Russian accent.) I am a foreigner in your country, a businessman from Minsk. I am very much like your political views but am not, how you say, allowed by law to donate to your fine campaign. Here is my personal check my friend, for 50,000 copies of your new book for my friends back in Russia who read English! I’ll give you the address of where to ship them later. “You know, I bet my friends at Exxon-Mobil would sure like to read your new book at our new Arctic drilling sight. Give me 20,000 copies, no better yet, make it thirty thousand. I’ll tell you where to send them later.
That is why Heinrich Hawley got so angry when Simon & Schuster pulled the plug on his book deal. That was cash on the hoof, but was also an integral part of building a political machine. I am not a corrupt politician; I’m a great author following in the footsteps of other literary giants such as, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin. A political ATM machine that does not require identifying volume customers. So, go ahead and donate a thousand copies to that late night bible thumper and receive a thousand free air spots on the late-night bible thumper’s, late night bible thumping TV show. And maybe between stops at Faux News and One America you can stop by an be allowed to view the mummified corpse of Pat Robertson and to be interviewed by the oldest preacher ever known to have been alive. Sure, half his audience won’t live the four years required to vote on election day in 2024, but hey free is free.
A man who writes books trying to charm the public has a tough row to hoe. Writing books for a living makes busking in the French Quarter look like a shrewd career choice. There are only so many Harry Potter’s and shades of gray, but for a politician looking to print their own six-hundred-page twenty-dollar bill with their picture on the cover, it is a lot easier. They just need to fill the space with text. As Churchill observed, “The length of this document assures us that it will never be read.” Besides, this isn’t a book designed to read, this is a book designed to sell!
“Tonight, on Hannity! Sean’s special guest will be Heinrich Hawley. To discuss his new book, “My Struggle.” Yet another paranoid tale of how everyone in the whole wide world is picking on us conservatives.”
But little Heinrich has hit another bump in the road. His new publisher has received a petition from 16,000 Christians and clergy asking they not publish his manifesto. Makes it hard to sell on the bible thumping network if the bible thumpers signed a petition agin it. But if Hawley were interested in or worried about Christians, 16,000 would be a top number. This a book designed to bring national attention and set himself apart from the other boogaloo boy supporting conspiratorious Nazi bastards, currently jockeying for the position of lying King within the disreputable Party.
Generally, when one participates in a bloody insurrection there are two paths laid out for your future. You can run and hope to escape justice through your own personal stealth or fall on your knees and pledge fealty to your new liege Lord. Little Heinrich does neither, he chooses to stand defiant and play chicken with the law. Yeah, we tried to overthrow the government, so what? Not obvious enough to be clever and not smart enough not to be obvious. This man wants to be President in the worst way. No really, in the worst way literally imaginable.
At forty-one years old and a Senator from Missouri, he has already participated in a criminal conspiracy to overthrow the government and is unapologetically looking for a second chance. Some might worry about going to jail, some might worry about their careers, but the devil cries, “More!” The man who would be King by any means necessary. A dangerous man with a lean and hungry look. A would-be Donald Trump clone, but lucid and with an education. A man if ever elected to the office of the Presidency would never relinquish it voluntarily.
Some make their mark upon the world others leave a stain.