By David Glenn Cox
The question always confounds us, what to get the man or women with everything? After you have the big gaudy house stocked with golden toilets and over the hill porn actresses, what else is left? It appears the high pocket lotharios are heavy on flash and short on necessities. I’ll show you what I mean, the orange apocalypse recently emerged from his Florida bat cave. He is issuing an orange Bull of excommunication against Mitch McConnell. The Amish call it shunning, when you’re non-violent and you break the rules, they can’t punch you, so they shun you.
But right away, I can see two perfect gifts that won’t put you into receivership. Orange Trumpy wants someone to primary Mitch McConnell and run him from office. Desk Calendar, under ten dollars. See, Mitch was just elected for another six-year term of office. So, it will be when the leaves fall from the trees in the year 2026 before Trumpy can find that droid to run for Mitch’s seat. Pocket Calculator, under twenty dollars. This would make a great gift because it is apparent that Trumpy struggles with math. It hasn’t occurred to him that there is something missing from his analysis. Come that frosty November Morning in 2026 Trumpy’s droid can either run for election or attend Mitch McConnell’s eighty-fifth birthday party.
“Oh woe is me, I’ve been in Congress since 1985 and now at eighty-five years young. Donald Trump is going to ruin my career.” Obviously, Mitch already has a calendar and a calculator before making his speech making up excuses for being such a tool. Former Trumpy Advisor Steve Bannon, winner of the coveted sloppiest man in America, three years running and runner up in “But he looks homeless” competition. Bannon suspects the orange one might be in the early stages of dementia. Way to go Tom Edison! What tipped you off? The inability to accept reality perhaps? Or the half ass schemes designed to keep him in power?
In 1531, Pope Clement VII issued a bull of excommunication against Henry VIII for divorcing his wife under the new divorce rules. Henry just invented the new rules as a part of a new religion; he was working on. The Pope held a monopoly on the European God business and didn’t appreciate interlopers. The papal Bull said, Henry was excommunicated and no longer a member of the flock. So, if you happen to see the King walking down the street the Pope would have no objection to you murdering him. In fact, he would approve of it. If you wanted to raise an Army and invade England and put Henry’s head on a pike, he would thank you most kindly and give you all sorts of encouragement.
Besides encouraging the Protestant reformation and creating the Anglican Church, Henry performed one other vital service. Before Henry VIII people lived in fear of the Pope. But Henry answered, “Stick it in your Kazoo!” He died an old man in his bed, and the papal bull wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. In 1531 it was big news, but by 1537 it was old newspapers in the garage. “Oh that! Yeah, I guess it is still force.”
Millions of devout Catholic Englishmen and not one willing to murder the King. There is a Chinese saying, “the emperor’s power ends at the palace gates.” Shun Mitch McConnell or I’ll throw lightning bolts at you, fire and brimstone, primaries! The orange bull is titled, “Save America!” I Pope Donald the first, do hereby order you to shun Mitch McConnell. Or shun anyone who has anything to do with Mitch McConnell or anyone else I tell you to shun. The orange Pope’s first official act is to destroy the Party which brought him to power. Nothing says mental illness louder than erratic behavior.
The permanent disconnection of time and space. A failure to understand life and history. “The days of your life are short and the days of your powers shorter still.” Tagged out, he wants to hang around the base after being called out by the umpire. He is pretending and fantasizing. I had read the story that Trumpy had purchased an imitation Presidential limousine. I thought the source suspect but then I saw the pictures and its true. I bet somewhere in the Mira Lago maze of monstrosities is a room decorated as the oval office. And probably some part-time bus boy or caddy that puts on a military uniform once a shift and bursts through the door with, “Mr. President! There’s a crisis and only you can save us!”
Donald Trumpy has never accepted the outcome of the election because he is incapable of accepting it due to mental incapacity. He calls himself the 45th President and won’t allow the word former used in his presence. He is President of the United States of Mira Lago and will reign forever. “I have a high-level meeting today with the Ambassador from Roto Rooter, so we aren’t to be disturbed.” By Presidential proclamation, I hereby declare today as double ice cream dessert Tuesday!
When the light goes out the room gets dark and Trumpy’s light is out. No twitter, no social media it took Trumpy three days to respond to Mitch McConnell’s condemnation. No one talks about football after the Super Bowl and no one cares about former Presidents after the election. Yes, Trumpy has the trained monkey battalion to write threatening letters and march around with guns. They’ve seen their brethren arrested, facing years in jail and permanently unemployed. The clock has run out and the game is over, the Proud Boys know it, Faux News knows it. The Oath Keepers, the White Supremacist know it and the Klan knows it.
Time waits for no man and certainly not for Trump. Everyday a little older and a little weaker. Everyday a little more out of touch. Every day a day further removed from reality. Every day a little more consumed in fantasy. Every day his followers a little less devout, until no one goes to the slot car track anymore and no one plays with the Hula Hoop.