By David Glenn Cox
According to Forrest Gump’s Mama, “Stupid is as stupid does.” This week stupid does Orlando! The annual CPAC (Conservative People Acting Crazy) conference is in town. Lights! Camera! Nose Candy! All the luminaries from the Reich wing. Open bars, crack pot theories, hookers and as Ed Sullivan would say, “Right here on our stage, you loved him as the King of Venus. Ladies and Gentlemen the progenitor of the Human race… Ryuho Okawa AKA Happy Science.
“Thank you, it’s good to be here tonight. I just flew in from Venus, and boy are my arms tired.” It is as if CPAC wanted to make a statement, “See, there are people out there way crazier than us!” He’s a Buddha and a reincarnated space alien who was a God on his home planet of Venus. He has the ability to channel people both living or dead. He asked Margaret Thatcher for her thoughts about Brexit. Channeling dead people is one thing, they aren’t busy, but how do you channel the living? You are driving down the road and all of a sudden there is a strange Japanese man in your head. He’s asking you questions as you are trying to remember all the symptoms of an emotional breakdown as you pull into the liquor store parking lot.
Get out of my head! Occupancy by more than one being prohibited under state law! Now Okawa-God has a plan for humanity, and he’s glad to share it with you on these two long playing CD’s. The plan is to sell CD’s miracle cures, UFO stories and maps to the star’s homes. Anything for a buck, he could probably find you a bag of weed if you’re looking. Because of all of the superpowers God has, printing money isn’t one of them. So, he needs yours, and he will share the secrets of the universe with you for a price. God is doing okay for a new God, (4 out of 5 new religions fail within the first five years.) annual revenues around $45 million dollars. You just have to wonder who was hosting an open bar so that the evangelicals didn’t get a load of this guy!
Forgetting, “Thou shall have no false idols.” If this guy is who he says he is he’s an illegal Alien at a Republican conference! A Venusian here illegally and without papers. Trying to take the job of our domestic God with his discount philosophy and Japanese production methods. Say you need a Covid-19 vaccination Bunkie? Can’t seem to get an appointment? Happy Science will sell you a cure for $400 and how does Okawa have the cure? Hold on to your tin foil hat! Covid-19 is a virus that began on Venus! A long time ago P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute,” but somehow, I think we’re accelerating up to maybe two or three a minute.
This is a licensed religious organization in Japan with branches in the United States. The sane might ask themselves, why the Republicans would invite this guy to their Conservative Altamont. I forgot; God is also a racist. Like Alice’s Restaurant, “They all moved away from me on the group W bench, but then I told them I was a racist too and they all came back. We just sat there on that group W Bench running down the Chinese and the Koreans any everybody who wasn’t us. Playing with the pencils and just having a real good time.”
You might ask, “Who hired this guy? He’s a regular; he’s here every year like the Tilt-a-whirl and the moon bounce. And while it is true that our domestic God has had encouraging sales numbers on his two books Okawa has published fifty books. And you thought our God was long winded, it’s like Jimmy Carter. I haven’t finished his last book yet.
When you take the road less travelled and you drift off into the weeds it always ends with space aliens. It’s a common denominator of Republican sentiment. “How do you stand on the Alien question?” Space or illegal? Depends on what time the comet gets here. At Comicon people dress up as space aliens but they know they aren’t really aliens, but just Murray from the Bronx. At CPAC they aren’t sure. “Well, he says he’s a space alien and they wouldn’t have booked him for the conference if there wasn’t something to it. Besides, he’s the opening act for Don Jr.”
From God to clod, but you have to admit, Don Jr. looks pretty good next to the Japanese guy from Venus.
Okawa was invited to the conference. This is who they invite. As long as you hate someone and deal in secret cabals, you are welcome. But Mama says, lay down with dogs wake up with fleas. The best way to defeat a Republican is to tell the truth about them.
“Excuse me Senator Cruz. You were a speaker at the recent CPAC conference can you tell me your opinion of Mr. Okawa? Do you believe that he is really from Venus, Senator Cruz? Do you believe that he is really God, Senator Cruz? Does your party support immigration from Venus, Senator Cruz?” Taking the Grand Old Paranoia to a new level. There was a time in American politics when talking about space aliens was the kiss of death in the new Republican Party it is a requirement. What I learned at band camp. They are all around us watching us.
Now maybe I shouldn’t have focused all my attention on the extreme wing of the Republican Party and focused instead on the more mainstream Republicans of QAnon.
A speaker at a major Republican conference claims that he is a space alien from Venus and also God. Tell your friends.