By David Glenn Cox
I had wondered how long it would take orange Trumpy to figure it out, about three weeks by my reckoning. In every divorce, somebody gets the dog, and somebody gets the credit cards bills. Somebody gets the house and somebodies on the outside looking in. Trumpy’s boast of starting a third party like most Trumpy boasts, was full of hot air. Starting a third Party is hard and requires a great ground game with petition drives to get the third Party on the ballot. As we have already learned, logistics is not a Trumpy long suit. Whether stranding rally goers on freezing airports tarmacs or overselling a venue. They were punked on that one with tens of thousands of phony rally attendees reserving tickets. They got all excited bragging about the good thing they done. They reserved 30,000 seats in in a venue that only holds 14,000. Thankfully, they were being punked.
What Trumpy is good at is old fashioned used car salesman hutzpah. The ability to rile the less sophisticated and the bullshit, to sell ten-million-time shares. Multilevel marketing, life insurance selling, stock broking, a shit seller shoveling shit with a new shovel. Third Party out…too much work! Trumpy correctly observes that dividing the Party guarantees they will lose but fails to understand who it is that is dividing the Party. “I’m not dividing the Party. All they have to do is what I say.” Der Furher cannot divide the Party! Der Furher is the Party! Der Furher is not disloyal! Those that leave him are disloyal! The Republican Party has been removed from the home and cautioned not to return.
There is a look on the faces of children on Christmas morning. Almost glowing with pent up excitement and sweets. That was look on orange Trumpy’s (Now with extra orange) face during his CPAC speech. “Gee, they love me! They really love me! Just like the good old days! But after the presents and candy comes cleaning up the wrapping paper and getting dressed up to go to Aunt Martha’s. Orange Trumpy was a lazy President or an ambitious amateur golfer depending on how you want to look at it. He won’t change, he likes to do what he likes to do and fob off on the rest. The child who eats his potatoes but won’t eat his green vegetables. He doesn’t want the job to do, he wants the job to get.
Many amateur politicians discover that it is more fun to run for office than it is to hold office. Show up to waiting crowds shake a few babies and kiss a few hands. For a narcissist like Trump, it must be like a porn website. The spank me tour! It is fun to be the pied piper, it’s fun to have people grovel and kiss your ass but that won’t further the Party. Those people already want to vote for you, and they are not enough of them now, we need more. But the siren song of the back nine is calling out to him. Leave it to the new guy and call me when it’s ready. He was hired for his loyalty and his year and a half at community college.
Traditionally, both political Parties run towards the center during election years and are accused of being extremists. Republicans love to run against the “Scary” far left. “Look out Martha; they’re trying give you healthcare!” Only this time, the Trumpskyites are running to the extreme pandering to the base less they be primaried. Firming up the base for the primary election while guaranteeing they will be beaten like broadloom rug hanging across clothesline by an angry woman with a baseball bat in the general election.
To get ahead in an extremist Party you must lead the way. If Lauren Bobert has an assault rifle in her office, you must have a grenade launcher or you are just old hat mainstream. Now a trench mortar might really put you in the lead, and deer season is coming!
You must out Mortimer Snerd the Mortimer Snerd’s in the Party. Out Gaetz the Gaetz, out Cruz the Cruz and out Hawley the Hawley. “Watch me Goose step Daddy. See how high I can kick!” I was the first one to question the election results! “No, I was the first one to question the election results!” Those are their issues, “I love Trump more than you do!” But in this era of partisanship and division let us give a moment of thanks for common ground. The CPAC Conference roundly booed Mitch McConnell. I could drink a beer and spend five minutes with anyone who dislikes Mitch as much as I do.
Never in the field of political combat, have so few given more to get less than the Evangelicals. The Evangelicals have done for Christianity what Devo did to rock music. Another ten years of Republicanism might finish the religion entirely. The holy rollers scare the children and drive the young people away. Church attendance falls when they can hear Faux News at home. It becomes a rah, rah, society, a social club, the NRA with a crucifix on the wall. Help the poor! I’ll help the poor! (racks shotgun) Ha, ha, ha, you keep Jesus out of this, how do you feel about the Second Amendment!
But this was their high-water mark. Christmas is over and now it’s time to put away the tree and the gold statue until next year. Eighteen months until the off-year elections, I’m certain his orange majesty will work diligently to advance the Parties agenda of Candyland craziness. With millions out of work “Look at my Gun!” a half a million dead American’s “You don’t need a mask!” Millions facing eviction, “You don’t need a check! Here, let me hold your head under the water for you!
Orange Trumpy’s message resonated with the crowd like a cracked bell hit with a rubber hammer. The loyalist’s cheer as the grifters grift. The golden statue is just like him, gaudy, vapid and empty. Yeah, for our side, we’re doomed, because as tinny and shrill as it sounds now. It will sound that much worse in two years.
Legendary comedian Lenny Bruce set the standard for modern comedians. He was charged and convicted with obscenity multiple times. He used most of his money defending himself from the charges, and it became the staple of his act. Why Lenny isn’t funny anymore. “We know, you were arrested for obscenity blah, blah, blah. Yeah, we know, the election was stolen from you two years ago, blah, blah, blah.