Secret Agent Godzilla

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

The three-day CPAC “Me” show is over in Orlando. The peacocks and stink chickens have paraded their plumage and successfully escaped the conference and Florida, without any questions about issues. It’s not that I blame them really, no one goes to the office Christmas party to talk shop. But considering the economic emergency of 12 million American families on average $6,000 behind in their rent, a cursory mention might have been nice. “Ladies and gentlemen, drinks down please noses off the table. A moment of silence for the landlords and Real Estate corporations being abused by 12 million lazy deadbeats and their Democratic allies in Congress.”

It is almost as if the American people are in their way. The older sibling forced to babysit his kid brother when he wants to go outside and play stickball. “Raise the minimum wage! No way! Let them pull themselves up by their own bootstraps even if they can’t afford boots. Choose your parents wisely, that’s my motto. They could have gone to Harvard just like I did. You gotta be tough and put your foot down and say, Daddy, I need that check today!”

As they basked in the Florida sun and flying Ted Cancruz worked on his tan. A scant mention was made of the looming Texas chainsaw massacre of electricity. Already, one rural electric cooperative has filed for bankruptcy and another is suing after being presented with a bill for $1.2 billion dollars. Service rates up 500 times normal rates and millions of Texans unable to pay their power bill. “Cannonball!”   Texan’s furloughed from work who can’t pay the rent either. Struggling to keep food on the table and as usual the Republicans have a plan for that…fuck em! First Colorado went blue, then Nevada. Now Arizona as Texas teeters on the brink, yet do the notice? “Another round over here!”

After Texans get over the shock of a two, or three-thousand-dollar power bill they either can’t or won’t pay. A financial crisis of a trickle down versus trickle up scenario presents itself. They could have said, due to the emergency send us the same amount you sent us last month until we get this straightened out. But by sending a ridiculous and insulting fantasy bills, the public will send them nothing. “Attention White Star line passengers. Due to the striking of an iceberg we must now increase your ticket price by ninety thousand dollars. Your prompt payment will be appreciated.”

They can’t shut everyone off and let the state go dark, but I wish I was selling home generators in Texas or a Democrat running for office. My campaign sign would be a simple photograph of a light bulb turned off. “Got any more bright ideas for Texas?” My campaign slogan, “Somebody turned off the lights.” It won’t be simple, the Republicans would counter with tons of money and fuck em. Preachers crying all over the airwaves about Socialism. “It will be just like Venezuela, there will be long lines, blackouts and empty store shelves!” That’s not Venezuela, that’s any Home Depot in Houston. The preachers will have their work cut out for them as most people remember insult even more than the injury.

Soon to be former, Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick says, “Texan’s should have read the fine print!” Now that was helpful! What a way to start a conversation. (Don’t forget to bitch slap them while you are at it!) The state’s electric utility collapses like a former Soviet Republic and the Lt. says this all your fault. This wouldn’t have happened if you’d read the fine print. A legal education would have helped some and maybe a background in large-scale electrical generation could have prevented it. Or you could have found someone responsible and put them in a leadership position. That would have worked too.

It’s hard to image Godzilla sneaking up on anyone. Kind of hard to miss a hundred-foot-tall fire breathing monster. “Cervesa! Pour for floor!” Once red states are turning blue and nowhere are blue states turning red. It isn’t a blue wave as much as blue Spring. In the Classic Monty Python film, “The Search for the Holy Grail, “King Arthur and his Knights only pretended to ride horses and calculated at the physics of flight with a coconut. They had no horses and rather than admit they have no horses they pretend they did. The Republicans don’t have any horses and pretend they do. They prance and bluster a brilliant dressage, “Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into. This is all your fault. You know, when the going gets tough, the tough get going…to Cancun! How much is that doggie in the window? The one with the shivering tail.

The Republican response to Biden’s Covid-19 package is to turn up their noses and let the American people suffer. “Do we really have to help that many people? Didn’t we already give them money and now they want more? Paging Charles Dickens, Charles Dickens your crack pipe has been located. Are there no workhouses? “I fart in your general direction!” The Republican plan to raise the minimum wage to $10.00 an hour was quickly withdrawn drowned out by howls of raucous laughter. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool as to present this turkey and remove all doubt. We propose a ten-dollar minimum wage on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but only when the circus is in town and it’s not raining.

Perhaps CPAC can use the kissing of the shiny golden ass as a part of their opening ceremony each year. “Please rise to honor America with the kissing of the shiny golden ass.” So busy kissing the shiny golden ass they don’t have time to worry about an electrical grid in Texas. Or a single parent household in any town USA. “If I were to vote yes, Goldie would get mad at me and maybe primary me. I’m sorry, the people must suffer even if they are in my district, Goldie has decreed it.

And to the American public the Republicans offer; “Your Mother was a Hamster and your Father smelt of elderberries” as top-secret agent Godzilla, stealthily sneaks up from behind.

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