It’s Now or Never Señor Rodriguez!

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Enough is enough, what’s next? It’s the gift that keeps on giving and giving. The career of Matt Gaetz now rivals an atmospheric nuclear test. The best part, he hasn’t been charged with anything yet. He squanders vital hours which could be used to change his identity and brush up on his Spanish. The scandal is like heroin, so sweet so easy. You know to try and stay away from it but the sweet buzz lures you back. And now a statement from Mr. Gaetz…ahhh!

It is almost like watching The Shawshank Redemption II with Warden Gaetz. Your best buddy, your wingman, your bestie just signed a plea agreement with Federal prosecutors. Accused of doing the same thing you are accused of doing, only you haven’t been charged yet. You and Al Capone use the same tax accountant, and now big Al is going to jail. If you catch the noon train in Mexico City, you can be in Belize by sunrise. From there a burro train will carry you into the mountains Señor Rodriguez.

 Señor Rodriguez puts up the most inept defense since Bruno Hauptmann admitted to the Lindbergh kidnapping. Publishing an O.J. Simpson style “So, what if I did” Op-ed where Gaetz denies all allegations of sex for money by insisting she was of age and he was just a wild and crazy guy out on the town. If money and body fluids were exchanged…what of it? Then just to have all the bases covered publishes a defense signed, “The Women of Matt Gaetz Office.” No names were injured in the publishing of this document. “We the un-disclosed women of the office in hopes of keeping gainful employment do here by not sign our names publicly, because we could not stand the scorn and we probably don’t exist anyway.

Gaetz in the role of Johnny Fontaine reportedly ran to the Orange Godfather. “There’s a prosecutor, and he’s out to get me Orange Godfather. And then there is a teen prostitute or two or three piling up. You gotta put a horse’s head in his bed!” Orange Grandpa wanted to help until it was pointed out that such support would undercut his own defense in his own upcoming sexual assault trials. “Sorry kid, better luck next time, call me when it reaches a busload.” Almost a Republican right of passage, his first sex scandal. He’s not our little boy anymore. The Alabama Attorney General admits to an affair and drops out of a senate campaign. The Florida Elections Commission General counsel was arrested on child porn charges. Maybe it’s something in the water, something like entitlement.

It is very easy to understand a politician that steals. The money is right there, and no one is looking, and no one will ever find out you and I fixed the bid. But a sex crime is altogether something different. When you steal you lose your own dignity in a sex crime you take someone else’s dignity. Someone is being exploited for the purpose of self-gratification. They aren’t dishonest people they are defective people. I can understand stealing, if left in the vicinity of a lifetime supply of million dollars I wouldn’t trust myself to leave the room. Theft seems almost a misdemeanor, the hungry may steal hotdogs but they don’t rape children.

Imagine the Governor appointed you to fill the Congressional term of a dead Representative. Maybe he meant someone else, but they picked you. You instantly have status and name recognition an expense account and a staff. If you’re late for the airport, you can have the cops escort you with lights and siren blaring and security, what security? Later it is found out you spend your weekends cavorting with teenage prostitutes and bragging about it.

With photographs and lurid tales of girl’s working in pornography! “Wow, she must be really hot. Everyone knows how selective they are when a young woman wants to work in pornography.” It could take days to make a dream like that come true. It is what we would call in personnel management, an individual not committed to his or her career goals. Focused instead on fixing the holes in their personality by using drugs and hurting others. The abused becoming the abuser. Given a role as a leader plans ecstasy parties and sex-capade trips to fill his weekends.

 Republicans mumble words of scorn, “Yeah, I never liked him anyway.” But never once thought about ratting him out as he bragged to them about his underage girlfriends.  The old, people in glass houses routine. If I tell them about his ecstasy and child sex parties someone might tell them about mine! The last dregs of the barrel the decadence found at the bottom. The Party of traditional family values and godly middle-class Whiteness obliterated by sex scandals and amoral behavior. Even the mega preachers are growing quiet, and they are familiar with this territory.

And he hasn’t even been charged yet! The excitement and anticipation of being in that French crowd and watching as the guillotine blade is slowly raised and glinting in the sun. Dead man walking, Houdini couldn’t get you out of this one.

Gaetz has time and money. He could grow a beard and lose the Eddie Munster haircut. Put him in a serape and a sombrero and put him in the burro train and maybe you’d never recognize him. It’s that or play count the decades at the Maxwell Air Force base Minimum Security prison. Anyone caught on the jogging track after six will have their privileges revoked. It’s now or never Señor Rodriguez! The next knock at the door cha, cha, cha! It’s Goodfellas, starring you! They’re going to take your passport fool! The Burro train waits for no man.

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