By David Glenn Cox
If the Republican Party were a shipwreck this is the point where the ship stands on end and sinks slowly beneath the waves. The S.S. Orange Nightmare carried no lifeboats, it didn’t need them they were unsinkable anyway, and the Party would go on forever. Hail Trump Prince of Darkness. Hail Trump King of Bullshit. And now, the Party is over, and the hangover has begun to set in hard with only vague recollections of what went on before. January 6th? “Hmmm, where was I on January 6th?” Kevin McCarthy isn’t quite sure. Ted Cruz was out of town. Matt Gaetz was trolling girl scouts for…cookies. Loren Bobert was putting her guns away, and Marjorie Taylor Greene was studying Phonics for Dummies.
They put orange Rodney Dangerfield in power and surprise, surprise he crashed their Party. Your central operating principle is the stogy banker type, serious and experienced always voicing caution to protect the economy. “You know, if you outlaw child labor prices are going to go up!” Concerned with frugality, they don’t like social programs that help the poor fearing it might break their spirit and could make the needy dependent. However, they hate raising the minimum wage even more. Republican scientists have conclusively proven that hungry children are more spirited.
The Republicans used to believe in science, it was Richard Nixon’s idea for an Environmental Protection Agency. Nixon banned deep water offshore oil drilling. When you look bad next to Nixon… you look bad. Harry Truman said, Nixon was so crooked he had to screw his pants on in the morning. The current Republican Party would crucify Nixon on Saturday night’s flaming cross and would banish Reagan to purgatory. “It’s okay to quote him, but that’s all.” Republican Madison Cawthorn visits Adolph Hitler’s vacation home calling it “A bucket list item.” Despite tweet with accompanying photograph Cawthorn then denies visiting Hitler’s summer home and deletes the tweet.
“Oh yeah, right. I forgot there for a minute; Nazis are bad. We aren’t supposed to show support or love for Nazis or White Supremacist, although there are good people on both sides.” The Republican Attorney General from South Dakota hits a pedestrian on the side of the highway and told the cops he thought he’d hit a deer. A deer wearing eyeglasses found in the front seat of his car. Fifty percent of Republicans polled believe the jury reached the wrong verdict in the George Floyd case. In a case of nationally televised murder half of Republicans watching didn’t see a murder. I don’t know what they saw, but their sheet is showing. In an ever-expanding universe, things tend to fly apart. They have forgotten, they must at least pretend to be sane for the TV cameras. They must at least pretend to be outraged by George Floyd’s murder.
Instead, they are outraged at the riots in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. The same old story of White people said to be foraging for food while Black people are called looters. Orwell level propaganda where Black suspects are shown from mug shots and White suspects shown in High School yearbook photographs smiling, “Such a nice boy! Voted most likely mass murderer.” Why don’t we call it what it is? White on White crime. These mass shooters have been almost exclusively White and so too their victims. But crime is only racialized if the suspect is non-White. Inner-city gangbangers have a shootout, and we decry the violence. A fucked up White kid shoots up a school, and we mourn the victims.
Do you know why there are no Black suspects in Clue? Yeah, you do. You know why. Mister Mustard would walk, and Mister Washington would get the chair. There would be no point in playing the game. It was Mister Washington with a switchblade two miles away at the barbershop. “Wait a minute! We haven’t started yet!” Shouldn’t we at least check the packet to see if we’re right? Na, let’s wait a decade.
Fear has been the Republicans most effective tool, “If we integrate the schools negros will want to date your daughters. Let’s give separate but equal a chance. Especially since we decide what is separate and what is equal.” Here is a dumb ass kid story, when I was nine my parents dropped my sister and I at a movie theater in downtown Montgomery, Alabama. It was 1965 and being a kid, I noticed the balcony and immediately wanted to sit there. I went looking for the stairs and unable to find them I asked where they were. I was told curtly, “The balcony is closed!” There were no stairs to the balcony on the inside of the building. The stairs were on the outside of the building separate but equal.
In the ensuing decades, we have learned of no social harm from integrated movie theaters or integrated anything else, but the fear remains and is palatable. “If they don’t murder George Floyd, he might come to my house!” Like Beowulf, they hide behind locked doors lest they get caught outdoors with the monster. The last thing I would ever be is a Black undercover narcotics detective. Reading those nice apologies written the back of your Get-well card from your hospital bed. “Sorry about kicking your ass when I noticed you were Black, I hope the vision comes back in your eye.”
But without fear there is no Republican Party. The fear that someone is getting something which belongs to you but is given to someone else unjustly. The Black kid who wins a scholarship to Harvard taking it away from some White kid with a straight B average. But like a machine gun they fire off boogey men, “Gay’s want to destroy traditional marriage. Mexicans are invading our country! The only good Indian is a dead Indian. Comic books are destroying the moral fiber of Americans. Yes, it is true. Republicans once lobbied Congress on comic book standards. And music standards and just about everything else. Grandma’s Party of the Blue haired ladies against freedom. Rocking in her chair making doilies for the furniture upset about those rock and roll lyrics or the Hippity Hop music.
It would seem the Republicans are crazier now than at any time in the past. But because they have no leader, they have no message discipline, and they all go off crazy at once. Barry Goldwater wanted to nuke the Communist Chinese before they had the capability to nuke us back. Ronald Reagan wanted to cut down the giant redwoods and put a few in museums. The Reagan Administration declared ketchup a vegetable, so as to cheat poor school children out of a decent lunch. The W. Administration wanted to put conventional warheads on I.C.B.M.’s. Oblivious that our adversaries would have no way of knowing what was in the missile’s payload or where it was headed and would probably retaliate with a full nuclear response.
They have always been crazy only now; they no longer have to pretend that they’re not.
Matt Gaetz dating tip No. 4, The DMV is a good place to meet sixteen-year-olds.