If You Need Me, I’ll Be on the Veranda

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Does the Pope shit in the woods? Is a bear Catholic? Is Rick Santorum a historian? It’s like the guy has a stupid valve stuck open. He can go along for months and appear perfectly sane and then like a seizure he goes off like he can’t help himself. “You know when Christopher Columbus landed on Plymouth Rock there was nothing here. Nothing, not even a Waffle House.” And so, using a Papal decree from a hundred years before that had nothing to do with North America. We claimed this land as the ancestral home of White people. And then with our loyal and fun-loving musical and energetic slaves began to build America. You over there, cut down those trees and bring me a mint Julep. I’ll be on the veranda.

Why George Washington wasn’t even President yet when he advocated for genocide against Native American tribes. Building a better America with Winchester’s and Remington’s! It’s like John Wayne said at the Alamo, “Give me a liberty combo with a large order of fries!” Our forefathers set out in Prairie schooners and Oldsmobile’s across fruited plain. On the back roads and Interstates of frontier America we passed laws against fruits and immigrants and anyone different from us. Defending what we had built against them who might take it away. Say, if you slaves ain’t busy build me a Capitol and a big white house over there. And bring me a Manhattan. I’ll be on the veranda.

Through genocide, disease and mayhem the West was won by White people. Now listen to me, all you Indians. All men are created equal. You got that? You swanee? Except you! Now get on that reservation and I don’t want to hear another peep out of you for say a hundred years or so. Great White Father in Washington has rotted meat and badminton rackets for you! Now, everyone snuggle up in your new Great White Father blankets. No, I’m pretty sure those are just hives, and a maybe slight fever or maybe they’re just  allergic to wool. Call me in the morning if it gets any worse. Drawn by the lure of religious freedom and free other people’s land the Prairie was settled by White People who came by the millions.

It was the wisdom of Abe Lincoln with a few thousand Chinese laborers with a few drunken Irish, White people built the transcontinental railroad. It tied our country together and allowed even more White people to reach even more free other people’s land. Lewis and Clark set out to sub divide the continent for homes, shopping, and chemical wastes dumps. Why not? There’s nothing here! Overnight auto factories that would one day move to Mexico and fast-foods joints sprang up. From nothing to a post-Industrial corporate apocalypse inspired wasteland from sea to shining sea that would one day be the envy of the world. If you need me, I’ll be in the club car doing shots.

A nation was being built and what’s a great a great nation without colonies. Aloha to you too! Or as we say in Washington…Greetings! This is to advise you that you are all Americans now. If you dispute this determination, you have the right to appeal in writing within ten days. Please be advised that any appeal will bring about the imminent destruction of your culture down to the last dog, cat or native plant. We will however keep the geographical place names you people have so colorfully laid out. Now, let me explain this to you natives in simple basic terms that you can all understand. All men are created equal. You got that? Can you hear me in the back the room? That’s called a political fallacy! We don’t really mean it! It’s code! When we say All, we mean White people are created equally. They are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights. Among these are the right to take other people’s land and the right to kill them if they argue about it. If you need me, I’ll be in the America room drinking tequila.

These American pioneers were God fearing people. And they weren’t about to let a few stale lines about “Thou shalt not kill” in a dusty ole Bible stand between them and free land. This was all part of God’s plan for America! If it sounds harsh, blame God not White people. There is a reason why Jesus is White you know, and Santa too! White people made them up and a lot of other people too. A damn fool out flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Yeah, let’s make him a hero. The guy drank too much and couldn’t keep his fly buttoned. If you need me, I’ll be in the library making shit up come by later and we’ll burn a doobie.

A new Century and a mighty nation looks towards the isthmus of Panama and dreams of undermining the financial position of the French company already constructing the canal. Needing financing the French sought to sell shares but were met with competing American projects soaking up the capital. Forcing the French into receivership where American companies took over for pennies on the dollar completing the canal and taking all the credit. The canal was not built by picks and shovels but by White people. They also serve who steal with a pen. If you need me, I’ll be in the board room snorting coke and checking my bank balance to see if my bonus has hit the account yet.

I don’t know which is more frightening. A college educated man peddling racist crap for the benefit of the sod busters and weed benders of Faux News. Who never quite finished the tenth grade but know all about Bonanza. Or the idea that he might actually believe some of his own crap lost in a nebulous imaginary White people universe waiting for the world to say, Thank you. Thank you, white people for all you have done. If you need me, I’ll be on the veranda. And bring me my opiates, I feel a pang of conscience coming on.

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