The Shroud of Tubby

By David Glenn Cox

For your pleasure, President Biden announces he’s willing to pass the infrastructure bill without Republican support. Republicans answer by replaying the opening scene from the old Branded TV show only with Liz Cheney standing in for Chuck Conners. Breaking her sabre and stripping off her medals and regalia no longer welcome at the Honeycomb hideout. Biden’s pandemic approval rating is at over 70% Republicans answer by cutting off unemployment benefits and looking for orphanages to burn down. Maybe tie a virgin or two to the railroad tracks to work off a little energy. It seems a Party famous for it’s for its poorly educated dentally impaired lower income White voters should think twice about lifting the eviction moratorium. “Ah, Cletus. Isn’t that your mobile home? Getting mobile going down the street?”

Remember the Macarena? Remember, Who Let the Dogs Out? Remember, your Achy Breaky Heart? Classics songs people enjoy listening to every day (not). Songs that wore out their welcome long ago through over play, over production and over merchandising. Played to that point where the Jell-O sets up from liquid to solid. Chairman Cletus will now lead the planning council. “God dammit! We’s tired of folks with their fancy book learnin lord in it over us trying to tell us what to do! You cain’t learn nothing in college you cain’t learn workin in your daddies’ garage!” And the troglodytes shall lead them to a trailer park Valhalla. Doing the Trumpy dance, singing the Trumpy song, over and over. And yes, over and over again. “Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart woof, woof, woof woof.”

Even those accustomed to watching an automobile race around a one-mile track in a five-hundred-mile race will eventually tire of the Trumpy dance. Every day one more lap around the sun. Every day one more yesterday away from relevance moving downstream at a less than a gracefully pace. “I remember that! That was back before my truck got repossessed! And I got divorced…again and got this new tattoo.” Moral of the story, never be the second feature in the short memory theater. With each trip around the sun the Republicans become more contorted as Liz Cheney’s star rises by being thrown out of the Party.

“I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member” – Groucho Marx

Know the place! Do I know the place! Do I know the place? Why I was thrown out of there just the other day! So, let’s recap, Matt Gaetz good. Liz Cheney bad. So contorted they become caricatures of themselves, the comic impersonators of Trump outstrip the original. Until it becomes Rich Little doing Richard Nixon. “Let me make this perfectly clear, I’m not a crook! And we’re keeping Checkers the dog. Trisha loves that little dog and none of the kids will play with her, so we’re keeping the damn dog!”

Nothing new in Whoville. Let’s see what Joe Biden did today! Out of power the former yellow wig spokesmodel can only react like the fat kid in the back with the cymbals in a middle school band. Waiting for his one moment of glory and then “Crash!” wasn’t that special everyone? Much better than last time! Our Faux Newzez viewer poll says, much better than last time. All hail Trump, all hail Trump and all hail Trump! “Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart woof, woof, woof woof.

Liz Cheney will lay on her plank floating in the ocean like Leonardo DeCaprio in Titanic. While all signs of the Republican Pirate ship she was forced to walk off will have sunk into the murky blue. They have no second act. They now need new villains, “You are loyal comrade but are you loyal enough?” Who will be safe now? Who’s Next? “That one in the spotlight, he don’t look quite right to me.” What Republican isn’t scrubbing their webpages for any unflattering comments made about the holy one. “Well sure, if you say Trump didn’t cut the chocolate ration or incite an insurrection I’ll agree! And the damn Eurasians have been just asking for it for a long time now anyway!”

You must believe in the holy Shroud of Tubby there was no insurrection. “Who are you going to believe? Me or your own lying eyes!” Insurrection? Is that what that was? I thought it was Black Lives Matter or Antifa or a Pride parade. “No, the membership didn’t flee the room like refugees running from the Nazis. We were having a preparedness drill with sword play locked doors and tears. Insurrection? I don’t know where you get that? It was a fun get together designed for the whole family! A place where White Supremacists could network with kooky survivalists and violent religious extremists and work towards a Fascist consensus. The five deaths are being investigated by our safety committee but most of them are busy right now working on the Arizona Fraudit.

Thank god for short attention spans, after we found out who shot J.R. we didn’t much give a shit about Dallas anymore. Sam married Diane, and the show was torpedoed like the Lusitania. Fonzey jumped the, you get the picture. Reaching the “Hey Yall! Watch This!” state. “Sssh, I think Eric Von Zipper is about to speak,” You know what happened to me in 2020 was a travesty! I was robbed by little green men operating from a planet far, far away and democrats. It was democrats and their little green men hiding in your walls. You believe me, don’t you? Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart woof, woof, woof woof.

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. – Voltaire

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