Jump for It

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It is almost like waiting for a TV season finale as the plot thickens. The Manhattan DA and the New York State Attorney General draw lots for the privilege of Trump’s extradition. They sent a note to Trump the other day advising, “Make no plans for the next twenty years, the investigation has turned criminal.” Legal experts believe the orange carbuncles only hope to avoid prosecution would be to pass the buck and put the blame on someone else. That would mean his two favorite sons Dan and Derek would face decades of legal liability. What kind of father would do that? They said Bernie Madoff took the heat to keep his wife out of jail. I bet that won’t happen in this case. “Malaria! There is a man on the phone with the Securities and Exchange Commission. He wants to ask you some questions about those documents I had you sign as Raul Casbah.”

Will Trump, do it? Will he sell the fruit of his loins upriver to the big house? “Bye! Don’t forget to write! Your mother and I love you, Dan and Derek.” Trump CFO Alan Wieselberg explained it this way, I just count the money, I don’t ask if it’s legal or not. “You know, Al Capone hands me wads of cash, and I don’t ask no questions about where it come from.” Only the best and the brightest, obviously a loyalty hire. “He’s very…loyal, and we’re going to miss him.”

Meanwhile far away in the bowels of the Republicon headquarters the headless monster Kevin tries to think of what to do. “What do we do now Mr. White?” I just don’t know Jessie; it’s so hard to think without a head. If I sign on to the bipartisan agreement for the 1-6 commission Republicons will have an equal numbers and equal subpoena power. If I don’t sign on the Democrats, will pursue it through committee anyway and we won’t have an equal number of Republicons or subpoena power. It’s just so hard to decide. Because on the one hand I could be forced to testify. On the other hand, I could be forced to testify without TV cameras maybe.

Like children playing in paint the evidence is all over them. So, the Republicons want to take us on a Magical Mystery Tour of gas lighting. “Look at all those happy faces getting off the tour bus! Does this look like an insurrection to you?” Excuse me, why does the sign in the back say, “Welcome to Disney World 1992?” Marge Greene gave a speech to the assembled entitled, “What About?’ A theme borrowed for the elementary school book, “What if Everybody Did?” I feel certain the chamber was filled to the rafters for this event.

“What about Black lives Matter? What about George Floyd? What about all the other bad things other people did? Why are we being singled out? What about Green Eggs and Ham? What about Sam I am? What about those aliens flying spaceships over the Atlantic Ocean? You’re going to prosecute us! Just for our criminal beliefs and actions and let, those dirty aliens roam free to do god knows what to this great nation of ours. I bet you’d investigate if Donald Trump was flying the UFO!”

You can feel the momentum building as noise of the falling waters grows as the raft draws closer to the falls. Can they be saved? Indiana Jones and the Chamber of Stupid or Johnny Quest and the Legend of Incompetence. Trying to convince the voting public that what they saw with their own two eyes is not what they saw with their own two eyes. Now inside the Republicon temple, it’s pretty easy for the high priest to spin those yarns. “Well. Sure, Jimmy Carter was the illegitimate love child of David Rockefeller and Lillian Carter. Did you see the way George Floyd was blinking his eyes? That’s a threat!”

But outside the temple of Dumb it’s a hard sell. What with most people having two eyes and years of public education and all. “And they all politely stayed inside the ropes after they smashed out the windows and they didn’t burn the place down or anything! Not like Black Lives Matter, you should always riot with decorum!  When White people smash windows and kill people it’s a demonstration and when Black people do it it’s a race riot! “Hands up! Don’t shoot” is really African-American for “Hang Mike Pence!”

That wasn’t a scaffold assembled on the Capitol Lawn. It was an ode to American vigilante justice…it is part of our heritage you know. He bought it from Ikea and had a hard time putting her together. You know how that is? Hey, we didn’t use it though, did we? We only called for the murder of the Vice President and the Speaker of the House, but we didn’t actually do it! Give some credit where credit is due! Can’t you take a joke? Don’t you know when we’re just kidding around? Jezz, you guys have no sense of humor.

Backed into a corner of absurdity they must buy into the Big Lie and all of its accoutrements. Like the Bible they must accept it all. Jonah was swallowed by the whale and then God said, “Nice kid you got there. Do me a favor and whack him for me, will you?” North Korean Arizona ballots flown on South Korean aircraft and surreptitiously passed through customs as one  million used magazines. Then smuggled into the counting room where officials would immediately discover the ballots were out of sequence and from a polling station called Ju Bi, Arizona. But they are all in on the conspiracy too, along with the customs agents and the police and they quickly change the name to June Bug, Arizona.  Thousands of illegal ballots all for Joe Biden and down ticket Republicon candidates. Cleaver bastards! How can we ever catch them with so many Republicons winning their races?

They have thrown the dice and it has come up craps. They abetted an insurrection, the most dangerous game any politician can ever play and now must each must decide for themselves. It is the kind of game where you win, or the world ends for you. Time to decide, let Kevin McCarthy take them downriver over the falls or jump for it.

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win”

― Sun Tzu,

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