By David Glenn Cox
Look! up it the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s space Aliens! The US military has allowed unclassified film footage to be shown of fighter jets chasing vehicles that make our front-line aircraft look like something the Wright Brothers cobbled together. The military being the military had to come up with a new name to for them because UFOs are what crazy people see. Military pilots see, “Unidentified Areial Phenomena.” Somewhere between E.T. and Alein lies the truth. Will Smith and the White House are going to be disappointed; we can’t get close enough to shoot and when we do our own missiles are turned against us. Like a Shelby Cobra out running a Volkswagen Beetle, we appear as natives menacing our spears, bones in our noses battle ready with a sling shot in our back pocket.
Why are they here and what do they want? “Hello indigenous natives, my name is Christopher Columbus. I want to welcome you to your first day of slavery for the Empire of Spain. Today, we’re going to begin looking for rare and precious metals together. Everyone grab a pick and shovel and commence digging. If you find anything interesting, I’ll be under that palm tree over there planning out my palace.” Whenever a more advanced society meets a less advanced society the less advanced society takes it up the back side. On the Twilight Zone, Aliens came to Earth to show us the error of our ways. They brought world peace and invited us to their home world where they ate us as food. In which case, might I recommend the roasted Republican under glass smothered in orange sauce? That comes with a side salad and your choice of potato and a dinner roll.
Perhaps some filet of Rand Paul or a nice heaping bowl of Ted Cruz stew with oyster crackers? Finally, a civilization with answers! Stay away from the Marge Greene Helper she so full of crap she’s probably too dangerous to consume. I call it, making the best of a bad situation. Oh, to dream, if only the Aliens would eat Republicans and piss gasoline our troubles would be over. Now, down in Florida is a rare gastronomic treat. The preverbal fatted calf, like goose liver stuffed and tender. Serves a hungry Alien family of twenty. And for dessert, a porn model from a shit hole country!
During World War Two they were called Foo Fighters. During the Vietnam War they were called enemy helicopters. I wasn’t aware, but the Foo Fighters were quite busy during the Nam and sank a US patrol boat that had opened fire on them. Rule number one. Don’t fuck around with no Aliens. You never know, there could be sour cream and onion dip with your name on it. Indian texts describe battles of gigantic spacecraft shooting one another from the sky. The Egyptian God RA was said to have sailed his silver ship across the heavens. He came to teach the people how to farm and what they should eat and then he taught them to make beer! Yeah God! Now that’s god that knows how to start a church there! Big keg party at the temple tonight, everyone’s invited!
But RA did something unusual in the God business. He got old and retired back to his home planet leaving the Earth to his children. Irish legends predating Christianity say the Tutha De Danan came in speckled ships from north of the world. Now if we check our maps, we see North is the direction pointing straight up off the top of the page. Are they just being colorful? The spear of Luge had a glowing red tip that sizzled when drenched in water. When their sorcerer lost his arm in battle, the Tutha De Danan replaced it with a silver arm and the skin grew over it in three weeks. How do primitive Bronze age people write stories of advanced technologies? Beginner’s luck?
There is always the possibility that we are alone but prefer not to be. When I was five, I had an imaginary friend because I didn’t want to play alone. Of course, my imaginary friend left no outward manifestations, and my mother never had to chase him from the yard and he never outran fighter jets. So, it’s official, there is something out there. Aliens and just plain Joe’s here for some reason to do something uninvited.
You know the talk in Crazy town says there is Area 51 and secret bases where secret scientists work to reverse engineer secret Alein spacecraft. Gee, if that were so, why are our fighter jets chasing them? The Aliens are our friends, and that reverse engineering thing doesn’t seem to be working out too well. Apollo eleven was followed by something or someone on its way to the moon. They asked Mission Control where their booster rocket was? They were told by a confused Mission Control that it was several hundred miles behind them. “That’s one small step for man and one giant “Oh shit” for mankind.”
Human history, legend and art say something, or someone has visited the planet from ancient times onward. Seen as gods or oracles or maybe even a burning bush. Obviously, they want no direct contact with us, and who can blame them? I suspect the Earth is surrounded by galactic space police crime scene tape warning, “Stay Out! Or enter at your own risk. Maybe we are the Truman Show and the funniest animals in the universe. Maybe they just watch us because they see us as a threat?
If only we could communicate, we could tell them about God and Jesus and Moses and Mohamed. How Jesus is both God, Jesus and the holy spirit all at the same time. You remember Moses, don’t you? You had lunch together when mana fell from the sky. A map would have been a nice touch instead of leaving us lost and wandering like that. You Aliens probably don’t know this, but of the billions upon billions of worlds in the universe God chose this backwater to revel himself and his eternal truth.
And now the truth of extra-terrestrials is confirmed and all hope that they would eat the Republicans for us is extinguished. Like H.G. Wells War of the Worlds They would fall dead from their machines. The Aliens would find Republicans just too hard to swallow and would only make them sick to their stomachs. At least that’s how I’d react, and I haven’t even tasted one yet! “This god of yours, does he serve beer? “ No just wine, and they are pretty stingy with it.