American Bandstand

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It’s a hard sad world out there, the rain falling on the just and unjust and all. Sometimes the best laid plans of rats and reactionaries go astray. Old Yellers foray into long form journalism (anything over 140 characters) has ended. “From the Desk of…” has gone dark. The blog of Donald Trump has left the building. No more pearls of wisdom, no more “Send more money I was robbed.” It was a long career spanning twenty-nine days, for the readers at least. It’s hard, blogging is like heroin without any of the perks. Like I was only gonna try it once man, and now look at me!

Reports circulate that King Humus decided to cash it in due to low readership. Come on, you gotta build your audience. Sure, everyone knows you as the worst world leader since Pol Pot or Edie Amin, but what about your literary style? What incites (Freudian slip) can you bring to the table? Apparently, market research was not done in advance and has now discovered over 84% of all Trump supporters only read while using the restroom explaining those missed toilet urine stains on the floor. But it is like trading baseball cards at a school for the blind, hard to gin up much interest.

Penny-wise, pound foolish. It’s just like college Donny, you hire someone to do the writing and you go watch TV. We’ll call you when we’re finished. The only writing you do is on the check. Then you use that big fat bank account of yours to pimp your Internet ride. Then use Twitter and Facebook to promote…oh, I see the problem. The newspapers won’t tell the world you’ve invented the telephone and so nobody calls. His unhinged, oversized ego won’t allow his tightly hinged checkbook to write zeros promoting his blog in the Reichosphere. There’s money spent on hookers and then there is money wasted. He prefers the announcement, “I Have Written a Blog! Pause in your peasant lives and gather. Let my light shine down upon you! Let me share with you the things you haven’t heard me say since last we met.”

Either the big Orange one is so incredibly boring that even his supporters won’t read him. (true) Or a majority of his supporters are basic illiterates offended by big words in a conversation and wouldn’t read anything that doesn’t have a naked woman on the cover. (possible) Or support for Donald Trump is a mile wide and an inch deep. You know, The Dukes of Hazard just aren’t the same in reruns. Any way you slice it, Trump’s blog folding after less than a month, has to be considered good news. A sign the Republicans in Congress like generals are chasing the last war. Piling absurdity upon absurdity in homage only to discover that no one goes there anymore, because it’s too crowded.

But when it rains it pours. Poor Matt Gaetz friend of the convicted and turned states evidence. And the victim of an attempted extortion scheme carried out by invisible people. Accused of taking drugs and screwing teen prostitutes has now found himself the victim of bad actors. Matt and his TV girl friend (the one with the driver’s license) were on their way to go yacht shopping. The boat was being purchased by Matt’s TV girlfriend because with the money she must be earning pretending to be his girlfriend on TV, you go yacht shopping. If the Congressman were seen to be purchasing a $150,000 boat cash money, people might begin to ask questions. But somehow, all or part of the money has fallen victim to cyber theft. “Do you want to know the secret of how to make beautiful women fall in love with you? Enter your Social Security number here!”

First among those questions, why would a congressman facing twenty years in prison for sex trafficking buy a boat? Why would a congressman facing litigation on multiple fronts buy a boat? His lawyers should be buying a boat! Could this be TV girlfriend’s payoff? I can’t give you cash, so I’ll buy you a boat with Crypto-currency because it is untraceable and you sell the boat after I go to… um, later. This type of arrangement is common among money launderers. They buy an overpriced apartment in the building of a prominent New York wig wearing real estate mogul for X number of rubles and then sell the apartment usually at a loss, but it beats the mob’s rates for money laundering. Plus, it makes dirty money clean as no one asks how you bought it after you sell it. “I’ve decided I didn’t much care for boating.”

Orange Milk Dud fails again, just throw the corpse on the pile with the others, the airlines, the steaks, and the University. But this time is different, Donald Trump failed at being Donald Trump. The rock star’s failed solo album pointing to the winter of our slow sales discontent. His hit song “I’m a victim of an evil plot” grows stale on the charts. This is huckster extraordinaire! The man who conned his way into the White House and now can’t draw a crowd to his blog.  

Tick, tick, tick, time marches on (Andy Warhol is checking his watch) the kids want to dance to that new crazy beat. They don’t want to hear those old tunes that mom and dad danced to. Building on extremism with extremism, Black Lives Matter is just an excuse to be racist. You really wouldn’t hate black people if it wasn’t for BLM. Taking down Pride flags is to discourage violence. Restricting voting rights is a way to defend the system. Until they have solidified their base and walled themselves off from America. Cheering and aping the big orange baboon, only to discover that nobody listens to him anymore.  Because you can’t dance to it, and he can’t sell it.

“Beware of enthusiasm and of, love both are temporary and quick to sway.” – Hunter Thompson

Please Like and Share and thank you for 50K reads. I am humbled.

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