By David Glenn Cox
Big man plays small room on nostalgia tour, yokels ecstatic. And that’s about as far and as colorful as it gets, except for maybe the way a liar always tells the opposite of the truth. Remember how that old virus was just gonna go away all by itself? Now Harrumph is telling the assembled candidates for a dental and chewing tobacco study. “The Maga movement is just getting started.” Break out the champagne and wine coolers from his lips to god’s ear! If Harrumph says he’s just getting started, he’s ready to pack it in. “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.” Everyone get out your lighter’s to see if he’ll do an encore! But sometimes there just isn’t enough of the high-priced spread to make a decent sandwich and you are forced to use lessor ingredients.
You Tube has a bug in its algorithm. It is supposed to know what I like and what I would find enjoyable. But one time I watched one video about J.D. Tippett the Dallas cop killed the same day as JFK. I was curious, that’s all! I didn’t want to take up reopening the case myself. But for the next six weeks, it was all JFK. So yesterday a video appeared in the stream, “American Decadence by Gargantua!” The latest and greatest Recreational Vehicle ever designed to drain a retirement account. I knew that I shouldn’t look, but I was just curious about how they live on the other side of town. You know, where the cops say things like, “Excuse me sir, I believe you have a taillight out. Better get that checked right away.”
This vehicle is covered in the same military grade aluminum as the space shuttle. Those vinyl plastic covered fenders are made at our special factory outside Dusseldorf. The lug nuts are 24 carat gold, and the aluminum wheels are hand brushed by children in our third-world factory. You see this panel? This is storage! You see this one? More storage. And over here…even more storage. With all these panels you can be certain if you need something it’s outside. Now these panels lock with the key fob and won’t open without the key fob unless the vehicle is turned off. And always remember to check that the panels are closed before you drive away. Now under here is the generator conveniently located where the labor rate doubles. Now you can’t use the generator if the vehicle is moving, and the generator won’t run with less than a quarter of tank of fuel.
Now as we enter the vehicle, do you see those steps? They fold away when the vehicle is moving. When the vehicle is parked, you press this button to keep the stairs from folding away. Always remember to press that button or you could really bust your ass. Now inside the vehicle to the right inside this little door is the HAL-9000 onboard computer system. (Open the pod door Hal) At the central control station, you can check the vehicles electrical system and fluid levels. Change the mood lighting, or engage the onboard powered Internet/satellite TV antenna. Now, over here between the Margarita maker and the double microwave oven is a complete set of the encyclopedia Britannica. Press this button, and a big screen TV comes out of this cabinet. Always remember to turn off the TV before putting it back in the cabinet. Over here is the button for the slider. Press that button and one side of the vehicle slides out for an additional 1.6 square feet of living space at a cost of less than twenty thousand dollars. But after spending the day couped up in here it will feel like a dance floor and money well spent.
For less than the price of twenty-six time shares you can have something to do this weekend. How many times have you asked yourself, “How can I fill that lovely space in my beautiful yard?” Over here is the fuel filler and the forty-gallon tank means you’ll be using the onboard restroom system. Next to those storage panels is the sanitation panel. To dump that you pull out the blue hose off an electric reel. But always use the button because it is electric. God help you if that breaks. Anyway, always make sure the hose is reeled back in before driving away.
Up here is the electric skylight with a night shade and a day shade. Always make sure the skylight is down before driving off. Here is our refrigerator, RV refrigerators are different from static refrigerators. Remember that guy who cut you off outside Omaha? He also rearranged your refrigerator. If the vehicle is moving, you use this latch and if you’re parked, you flip it over to prevent mold and mildew. Don’t ever drive away with the door unlatched. Do you see those ninety-seven buttons on the that injection molded simulated wood grain steering wheel? You can set the cruise control and adjust the temperature and change the radio.
There’s even a small postage stamp touch pad to challenge the eyes while changing the dashboard lighting. Over here at half the size of a hall closet is your restroom and shower. Conveniently located right next to the Murphy bed but always remember to check the shower before driving away. Behind the Captain’s chairs is the electric automated self-leveling system, always check the self-leveling system before driving away. That brings us to the electric awning and self-contained bug zapper. Always remember, never to drive away with the electric awning extended.
I’m too lazy for all this. My idea of camping is a tent and some sleeping bags in the back of an old Ford pickup with a cooler full of beer and some cannabis twisties. Listening to the music of crickets on soft summer nights and being grateful I don’t need to fill my life with things. I get it, some people just love buttons and gadgets and filling their time with machines to eliminate all their work leaving them board and unhappy.
Somehow getting away from all now includes helping Neil Armstrong and Buzz to land the lunar module on the surface of the money. With just a semester’s training you can go to the state park and relax. I don’t want to go camping on the moon. I know how a cooler works and I know where the sleeping bag goes, now where is that lighter?
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