By David Glenn Cox
Someday when science, technology and finance all come together, and we build that first manned rocket ship to Mars. I want Ted Cruz in that crew. If ever a man deserved to be removed from the planet and placed in a galactic time out for a couple of years. And then sent off on a risky and doubtful space mission, it’s Ted Cruz. The professional stunt man of stupid. “And cut! Okay Ted, in this scene everything is calm when you burst through the front door and say something really incredibly stupid. You gotta emote here. Dig deep to find that stupidity inside you that no one thought you had or were capable of.”
Cue calliope music, Pie fight scene take one. Action! (Narrator) Ted Cruz and his plucky band of space pirates demand to know why January 6th rioters are being treated so harshly. While George Floyd’s rioters walk the streets free? The what about what aboutism ten-thousand-dollar question. Why was so much money wasted investigating John Kennedy’s death when there are thousands of unsolved murders? Why do history books talk about the war of 1812? The Brits burned the White House, so what? Do you know how many house fires there are in this country every year? Boisterous Southerners fired a few cannons at a fort way out in the harbor as a prank. You read the news report and shake your head and read it again. This is the penalty of a misspent youth. With acid flashbacks it is important to read some things twice when it just doesn’t seem possible, just to be on the safe side.
Have you any idea how early in the morning you have to get up to say something that stupid? Harry Truman said, His first six months in the Senate he couldn’t believe he’d gotten there. The next six months he couldn’t believe some of the others had gotten there. But brother Ted is the bargain basement, damaged merchandise, all sales final conspiracy theorist bell weather. If you wake up and find yourself on Ted’s side…you’re wrong! Whether traveling to Cancun during an ice storm and leaving the family dog at home without heat, it’s only a week. He’s a smart dog; he knows where the food is kept, I left the toilet seat up. Or the immigrant who is against immigration based on personal experience. Trump insults his wife and Ted says, “Can I come over to your house and play?”
Craven, superficial politician asks why without realizing, “Ixnay on the Inssurectiontay Baboon face! Don’t bring up that subject we just said we didn’t want to talk about. How can America ever go to sleep with you jabbering about it in their ear?” Piss in the alley and no one cares. Piss on the Alamo and Ozzie gets arrested Ted. You’ve heard about the Alamo? Texans fought and died there so that someday Texans could be represented by a big bag of hammers named Ted Cruz. It’s sort of anticlimactic, and the Eloi were eaten by the Morlocks end of story.
When you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to say. Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and be Ted Cruz. Not to be outdone, Marge Greene let loose an unhinged rant against Dr. Fauci. (Recipient of the coveted Republican Hillary Clinton of the year award.) “He’s a Communist and he makes over four hundred thousand dollars a year of taxpayer money and drives a Tesla!” Imagine, a doctor with decades of executive experience making that kind of money. Tucker Carlson would not get out of bed to piss for that kind of chump change. He doesn’t drive Tesla; he has a limo and a driver to take him to the studio. “I’m in a hurry, don’t spare the hydrocarbons.” But when you’re appealing to barrel bottom ooze, driving a Tesla is worthy of suspicion. “I knew there was a reason he wanted us to wear those masks. He’s in cahoots with that crazy Elon Musk and Bill Gates!”
They can’t talk about masks mandates anymore or government infringements on your rights anymore. They can’t talk about infrastructure, healthcare, the environment or raising the minimum wage because the Party is against them all while the voting public is not. The only issues left are non-issues, “Why do we investigate tax cheats when there are so many shoplifters? Why did I get fired for being late? Trains are late, airplanes are late. The mail is late too, but I get fired!”
This in the second decade of the 21st Century is the devolution of the Republican Party. Nothing of substance to offer to the conversation. Name calling, bomb throwing and red baiting, all in an effort to hide their own bankruptcy. They don’t like Biden’s Infrastructure package, and they don’t like the “For the People Act.” They don’t like anything Biden or the Democrats propose and offer instead the course of doing nothing. Better Rome be burned to ashes than to compromise with Tesla owners. If we can make Americans suffer today, maybe we can make them vote Republican tomorrow?
The Party of Law and Order of mandatory minimums and three strikes you’re out. Now takes up the cause of prisoner’s rights, suspected in the killing of a policeman on the steps of nation’s Capitol. Willing to overlook murder and insurrection to cover their own asses. This is who they are, there are somethings that Tide won’t wash off, like blood stains. A Party of aggrieved complaint, somebodies getting something you’re not. Somebodies doing something you don’t know about! Paying a doctor four hundred thousand dollars a year just for leading the National Institute of Health? What do they do that’s so important? So transparent as to border on indecency.
If we can make their lives miserable enough and we can scare them enough. Vilify them and convince them the director of the National Institute of Health is a Chinese Communist plant. And AOC doesn’t really have a grandmother, we have a chance. If we can make them believe a secret Chinese medical facility accidently released a weaponized forty-foot-tall Hillary Clinton clone into the desert of the American Southwest, we will have it made in November!
“America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination, and unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.”
― Harry S. Truman
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