Obsessed with the Cause

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

“Well, you may have won your precious Coca-Cola machines for now. But just you wait, we’ll get the All-star Game back to Atlanta, just you wait and see!” And people wonder why the South is still obsessed about the Civil War. They are ready to burn each other’s barns down over the political persuasion of vending machines. A group calling itself Job Creators Network, a local advocacy group that probably meets at the Texas Roadhouse once a month for the lunch special and claptrap. A sort of Toastmasters for rednecks with income and former White Citizens Council members. Anyway, the JCN filed suit to stop Major League Baseball from moving the All-Star Game out of Atlanta.

You could sue over anything; if you got the money honey, they got the time. Step right up to the cashier’s window and tell us all about your little grievance. “Well, me and my friends see. We got this group that meets at the Texas Roadhouse for the lunch special every third Wednesday. And well, Lenny was saying how we are the Job Creators Network and the All-star Baseball Game leaving Atlanta, won’t help us to create any jobs. So, Mike, he always sits at the head of the table and pays for lunch but doesn’t say much. He says, “We should sue, and he knows the attorney to do it.” Almost literally suing over a ham sandwich.  

Pat Robertson built an empire on such shit as this. Ladies and gentlemen, we want to bring prayer back into America’s school lunchrooms and cafeterias! But the Liberals are trying to stop us! They want to hide behind the Constitution, but we won’t let them get away with it. We will sue them in Federal Court! And with your donation to Religious Zealots for Jesus Legal Defense Fund of America the RZJLDFOA can take the fight to them. With your donation of just one hundred dollars or more you get this postage stamp sized window sticker that says, “I gave to Jesus!” but Pat Robertson kept the money.

The Judge in the Atlanta case listened carefully to both sides before asking the Job Creators Network just one question. “Who the hell are you?” Apparently, being disappointed because the circus isn’t coming to town, and you wanted to sell peanuts isn’t a recoverable loss in Federal Court. Life is full of disappointments, so you sue for headlines. There was a time in the South when members of prominent families were expected to participate in civic affairs. Like the White Citizens Council, the Klan and the Junior Civitan’s. Today just fund a nutball group and put the Atlanta Journal Constitution on your speed dial and you’re good. “Just thought I’d let you know about a hot tip; the JCN is suing Major League Baseball.”

“To say that the legal underpinnings of this lawsuit are weak and muddled is an understatement,” the judge said. “Plaintiff alleges that (MLB and the players’ union) were members of a conspiracy to violate JCN members’ constitutional rights … but I am still at a loss to understand how.”

Under this legal theory Mike Lindell could sue everyone in America who doesn’t purchase “My Pillow”. It’s political persecution, plain and simple! I use those profits to fund my political activities. Mike Lindell is being targeted and persecuted for his political beliefs. We ask the court to order all commercial establishments that sell bedding to offer My Pillow on their store shelves. My client’s freedom is being abridged and we seek relief from the court. For many years, the Republicans have railed against frivolous lawsuits. Because they know that nothing will ever be done, and they can continue to author as many of them as they like while still condemning them.

The victim mentality, I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue and teach you a lesson Party. Look what they are doing to us! They are out to get us. Never trust anyone without the secret handshake first. Robert Bork denied a seat on the Supreme Court just for being a nut job and playing with his boogers. Ollie North convicted of crimes in Federal Court, but thankfully Ronald Reagan pardoned him. He is a good boy. That court was partisan and filled with Liberals anyway who won’t give our side a fair shake. Everybody is being mean to us! Waaaa!

Supreme Court Justice and national spokesman for Miller High Life Beer and adult Depends, Brett Kavanaugh. (Carry on my wayward son, don’t you cry no more.) Left tears on the pages of his dissent of a court ruling, not to mention his My Pillow. “See there are more Conservative Justices than Liberal Justices and usually the Conservatives all vote together. But this time they didn’t, and our side lost so… that’s not fair.” The wailing and gnashing of teeth when the entitled lose.  They should have agreed with me, but they didn’t and that’s somehow Les Nessman suspicious.

The Coke machines will remain on the North Carolina grounds for now. But don’t be surprised if names aren’t being taken and cameras mounted for suspected subversive activity. “Len, wasn’t that you I saw by that Coke machine yesterday?” No sir, not me never touch the stuff.

McDonalds is experimenting with a fully automated drive through. The restaurant giant hopes if the new program is successful, they can introduce the “cook your own damn hamburger concept.” It is a part of the companies “Billions for automation but not a penny for the workers plan.” The plan is a part of the overall strategy “Out of Business by 2050.” A show of hands, who remembers the film Idiocrasy and the automated Carl Jr’s? Oh Idiocrasy, that prognosticator of the future. The Silent Spring of our generation and so few would listen. “If we have to start paying those people, I vote we burn the place down!” Thank you for coming to McDonalds, can I take your order please? Thank you for coming to McDonalds, can I take your order please? You have made an invalid selection. We are sorry, this restaurant is out of order, please come again.

Please Like and Share, All my life I wanted to be a wise guy.

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