By David Glenn Cox
I never been able to tell how much of Donald Trump is hutzpah, hemorrhoid or harlequin. “Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain. In this case at least, imbeciles in a land slide as Donald Trump makes good his plans to campaign against Republicans who were mean to him. Why not? He doesn’t have a job and can’t hang out on social media. There’s only so many cheeseburgers to swallow, golf balls to hit and former porn actresses to, a guy can take. That accent, like living in a Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon. If she ever said, “Moose and Squirrel” on camera, I’d wet myself. A classic, James Doohan as Scottie shouting, “I’m giving her all I got captain!”
As you remember from our last episode, “Ming Swears Vengeance” Our plucky orange hero had just been plucked from power. He was cast down into the seventh level of the inferno…Florida. Hell with both flames and flying insects. If the heat don’t get you the bugs will! From his secret underground lair, he boards his secret submarine; the Trumpmarine and heads for Alaskan waters looking to torpedo Lisa Murkowski’s reelection by endorsing a primary challenger, Kelly Tshibaka. Tshibaka a political nobody and former state commissioner. Hopes to ride Trump’s back to…certain defeat. I love it! I could stand here and watch this all day! Go Donald! Bust up that Republican Party! Bust her up real good!
If Murkowski prevails, the devil is shooting blanks and is slowly beginning to mold like bread left out too long. If Tshibaka wins, it means defeat in November as the Party of Sarah Palin is divided and alienated against itself. If Tshibaka wins, Orange Julius will look for the next Republican victim to club. (Maps to Prominent Republicans available here!) If Murkowski wins, the black hole of cheeseburgers will claim election fraud… again, seeking to re- gull the gullible. Donald Trump wins nothing but the power to rip the Republican Party limb from limb and strip off all of its branches.
Trump is not endorsing primary challenges to build the Party or seeking ideological purity. He’s doing it to keep himself relevant and in the camera lens. As Tshibaka rides on Trump’s back he rides on hers and the Republicans. Political capital is capital if you want to spend it knifing each other in the back? I vote groovy. And so, Ming the Merciless swore his vengeance! “Upon Mike Pence I cast the spell of hideousness! Another one! He shall be reviled by the unwashed, illiterate and simple of mind for denying the righteousness of the savior.”
It’s like waiting for Christmas the excitement builds with every Christmas card I write. Josh Hawley polling under one percent and poor Mike Pence in negative numbers. With the right campaign strategy and hard work, they could bring that number up to zero by election day. And the winner in the sucking so hard his asshole puckered competition, the governor of Floriduh, Mike DeCriminal. Whether throwing children off healthcare, their parents off unemployment or using his office for political retaliation. Murderous Mike is ready to kiss that big orange ass even before the pants hit the floor. “Scandals, nobody cares about scandals anymore when Trump likes me.” Cassius has a lean and hungry look. The financial impact of cutting unemployment in Floriduh is estimated at 700 million dollars.
But, by all means, I hope he runs. Ask Al Gore what happens when you run for President, and you aren’t sure you carry your home state. But every Costello needs an Abbott and so the Texas Governor Greg Abbott confirms that Republican pettiness is unconfined. Vetoing the pay of state legislators’ staff and administrators. Wonderful! Leave staffers unpaid! That will show em! Teach them a lesson Greg! I am sure that’s all perfectly legal. Meanwhile, back in reality. Concern is growing about the Texas utility during the current heat wave. It gets cold and the power goes off. It gets hot and maybe the power goes off. (Trend perhaps, common in third world countries.) But everything just dandy, don’t need to change anything here!
Booing and cat calls even before the wrestling match begins. (Someone please give these people hard liquor and switchblades.) All running to the right just as hard as they can supporting the playa playing them. Trump doesn’t care two shits and a skinny cat about the Republican Party. All he cares about is Donald Trump and seeking Ming’s Vengeance.
I want to take a moment to offer kudos and commendations to the geniuses selling tickets to the second Trump inaugural this August in Washington. Gee, I wished I thought of that! Like digging for coins under the couch cushion it seems there is no bottom. But I tip my hat. It’s one thing to say a spaceship is coming to pick us up but upselling to first class seating at 1,200 bucks a ticket is priceless. I can see them come August, “Gee Maw, they’s no scaffolding round the capitol! Where is everybody?”
A political party held together with spit glue and Donald Trump. A sub-set of a set. Farther to the right than those mainstream mamby pamby Q-anon Republicans. Conspiracy on top of conspiracy and fear on top of fear. Deciphering the secret messages with their official decoder ring. “S-E-N-D M-O-R-E M-O-N-E-Y” Living in the debasement eating freeze dried vegetables and listening to the news of the world on the shortwave. Like Japanese soldiers hiding out in the jungle and unwilling to admit the war is over even after the emperor mumbled his concession. They believe in body doubles and shapeshifting but don’t believe in masks or vaccinations “That’s how they get you man! One minute you’re looking at the John Deere catalog and then you get that shot. Then next thing you know you’re looking at Victoria’s Secret catalog trying to pick out an outfit for yourself!”
The Republicans have run so far to the right that they have left the building. They have secured Donald Trump’s vote rather than the millions of independents and anti-Trump Republicans. There is a good chance we can end Republicans in your lifetime. That is… if Donald Trump helps.
“Moose and Squirrel.”
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