By David Glenn Cox
Scandal at Faux News! The newsfotainment division of World Butthole Industries was rocked by information that it had passed on reporting on a scandal. A scandal so large as to possibly bring down Joe’s Biden’s government. While Faux news reporters sat on their backsides and did nothing, poor widdle Tucker Carlson (The fly who thought he could boy) was being viciously attacked by person or persons invisible to the naked eye. Someone is reading his E-mails (Double your Kohl’s cash today! Apply for Kohl’s Visa card!) He’s knows they are being read because every time he reads one its marked read! The footprints always lead right up to his shoes! “See they’re following me!”
“Did you hear the way my cell phone dropped out in the tunnel? That’s them man! Did you see the way that supposed “Mailman” looked at me? The other day I was at Wendy’s and the young woman who gave me my Frosty, she had NSA written all over her! They’ll will go to any lengths to make an agent of thirty-five look like a high school girl of seventeen. Don’t you understand? It’s cause I’m so freaking important! Donald Trump calls me when he can’t decide which shoes to wear.
The NSA, the National Security Agency, falls back on the tired old saw that their job is to investigate foreign threats. And if anyone wanted to follow Tucker or read his e-mails it would be the FBI. They aren’t watching Tucker in the same way McDonalds claims they don’t make pizza. The agencies blunt denial only proves the incriminating truth. If they weren’t following Tucker, why didn’t they laugh out loud at his paranoid ravings, hmmm? Tucker insists, “Why didn’t they specifically answer his charge they were reading his e-mail?” (Russian Girls love older men! Find out why!) “Instead, they claimed, it’s not their job. Oh god, it’s so obvious!”
Could it be that the Faux News reporters were cowed into submission by Merrick Garland’s Justice department? That same car drives passed my house everyday at five thirty in the evening. He parks in a driveway down the street and watches me until seven thirty the next morning when he drives by my house again. Then on Saturday and Sunday, he watches me all day! He waves sometimes when he sees me. The clever bastard knows I’m on to him!
How could Faux News reporters miss this big, big story? What is the motivation of this highly trained newsfotainment organization to allow one of their top stars to be dismantled and harassed by Big Brother and the Holding Company? They just continue on with their broadcasts as if nothing is amiss. Going on with their broadcasts and saying nothing! You know what that means don’t ya? It means this goes all the way to the top. They took the blue pill man; its over, you can’t reach them now.
Secret agents in a secret world are following and harassing Tucker Carlson trying to get his show taken off the air. One question, if they really wanted his show taken off the air. Why don’t they follow his boss? Next question and this is an if, a really big if. If the NSA was really following you and reading your E-mail, what the fuck have you been up to? My bad, I forgot. You’re so freaking important they started following you on Joe Biden’s first day.
The FBI followed John Lennon and tapped his phone. The FBI did that because Lennon was inside the United States but being a foreign national. They could have involved the NSA, but the FBI handles domestic surveillance and doesn’t like other kids playing in their yard. Lennon was only a world Icon with hundreds of millions of fans across the globe, he wasn’t someone important like Tucker Carlson.
In response to the NSA repeated denials, Pagliacci cries out his tears. He said he did not accept the denial, describing it as “an entire paragraph of lies written purely for the benefit of the intel community’s lackeys at CNN and MSNBC.” Don’t you see? It’s so secret that everybody is in on it except me and you. And sometimes, I don’t know about you! Are you wearing a wire? Is this conversation being recorded right now? Who were you talking to on your cell phone? Who is Mom? Is that special agent Mom?
If this were a microwave TV dinner rather than an newsfotainment host, I would expect a ding right about now. No need to stir, it’s so stirred its disturbed. Something very Winston Smith about a TV host who claims he is being watched. While insisting the reason he is being watched is to try and get people to stop watching him. While the real reason he is saying he is being watched is to try and get more people to watch him! Take that George Orwell! Our top story again tonight! “Me!” To dream the impossible dream, to fight the invisible punching bag. To cry with his last ounce of perturbance, to reach the unreachable star! (Go Goulet!)
Everyone’s out to get Tucker. He’s so freaking important. They say this cat Tucker is bad mother. “Shut your mouth,” but I’m talking about Tucker. “He’s a whiner and can’t take it!” It reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode with the Ventriloquist and the dummy. Who is really in charge of whom? Is Tucker’s on-air personality in charge? Is there an off-air Marvin milk toast Tucker personality waging a valiant struggle in the tug of war with reality? Does he make the face of the anally probed while off the air? Or is it just another character in his Punch and Judy repertoire? Farmer Tucker gonna put down some corn where the chickens can reach it.
But someone missed the planning meeting and forgot to tell the staff at Faux News about the “poor widdle Tucker” and his must watch TV season. “Tune in to Tucker Carlson, stay abreast of all the latest plots and schemes out to get him.” Has Joe Biden’s government developed an army of invisible secret agents out to silence conservatives? Do Russian women really love older men? Has Winston Smith developed a new wrinkle or is that cookie seriously missing some chocolate chips?
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