Time Machine

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Current events make the existence of a time machine seem unlikely. Some absent-minded professor working in his basement night and day. Spending his inheritance on the potential of scientific stardom. “Eureka, I have done it! My time machine works!” At a grand demonstration the professor enters the machine, turns the key, and disappears. He returns only seconds later to announce, “I’ve seen the future! Donald Trump will be your next President! There will be a deadly pandemic! Millions will get sick, and Republicans will fight against all health measures to try and save them. The US will lose the war to the Taliban in Afghanistan, and the Republicans will end up by supporting the Taliban!”

Such a madman would be taken into custody without incident, and the paperwork would read, “One more whose cheese has slid off its cracker.” Building a time machine would be child’s play when compared with making people actually believe you. “No really, this pandemic was awful, refrigerated trailers filling up with dead bodies! And all the people had to do was wear a mask and get vaccinated! But the Republicans were dug in. “No mask mandates!” They hollered and made a big deal over it, and some states even outlawed masks in schools! Don’t look at me like that. I’m not making this up. They did, I mean, they really will.”

“No wait, it gets better. The Republicans with the help of thugs, low life’s and criminals will attempt to overthrow the government! No, no, not just the Republican leadership, but actual thugs, low life’s and criminals. The Republican leadership will be hiding in the closet when the thugs kill five policemen, and over run the Capitol building. “I’m feeling fine. No, I don’t want to lie down. No, I don’t want a shot. Look, I’m giving you valuable information here. You’ve got to do something! They want the children to go to school without any protection at all! You’ve got to do something, while there is still time!”

In Chapter XXXVI of “Star Conflicts,” Luke and his hearty band of revolutionaries plan their attack on the Death School Board headquarters. Acting before they can impose their evil mask mandates on children. “We will infiltrate their meeting posing as simple parents, then we will bring the force to its knees!” Beyond reality, beyond Hollywood to a point where even surrealism barely touches them. To a point where even experiencing these events in real time has an unreal quality to it. Captain America can’t run with a mask on. Tony Stark’s robot heart is malfunctioning due to wearing a mask.

Arizona Governor, “Duh” Ducey will use Federal Covid relief money to reward schools that don’t impose mask mandates and penalize schools that do. The Governor turns Covid Relief funds into a personal slush fund, “do your trick. Now do what you’re told, blow the horns like a good, trained seal or no fish for you!” Long ago and far, far away, in the remote land of Texas. The State Supreme Court upheld  the Governor’s warrants of arrest for Democrats who fled the state over an issue of conscience. At issue, legislation deemed to be un-American, repressive and I’ll say it, Fascist.

Nothing says fully functioning democracy quite like the governor issuing arrest warrants. Nothing says fully functioning democracy more than the State Supreme Court, backing the governor issuing arrest warrants. It is a message they wish to whisper, but inadvertently scream. “Don’t come here, don’t bring your business here! Don’t think you will get a fair shake in our courts. You better pay the man, or the future could go hard on you. It says here, you wrote a letter of complaint to the power company about your power being out for three days. So maybe, we will just investigate your plant for “safety violations.”

Al Capone was a gangster five days a week. He wasn’t a nice guy part of the time and just hard to deal with when you pissed him off. He was a thug, and he dealt with issues in a thug way. If Al wanted your help and you refused, the police might ticket your vehicles. The Health Department might decide to close down your restaurant, or someone might just jump you in the alley. If the Governor can have state legislators arrested for refusing his commands, then who can’t be arrested by the Governor?

Florida Governor Ron Disastrous (Damn Spellcheck) took a page from Republican government 101, in an attempt to emulate his Texas buddy. Governor Disastrous threatens to withhold the pay of school board officials. But quickly backed off the plan when it was pointed out that threatening a state official, even if you are the Governor of Florida, is a felony. A felony with or without the State Supreme Court in your back pocket.

“But wait! I tell you, I’m not crazy! My time machine really works! Wait! You’ll see! There’s this billionaire who doesn’t pay any taxes. And builds a big rocket ship that looks strangely like a huge penis. (Like someone has issues.) Then him and his penis rocket friends all climb in the head of the penis to prove once and for all, that Alan Shepard’s 1962 sub-orbital flight wasn’t a fluke. Proving conclusively, that billionaires have the technology today to reproduce 1962! Any boy can be President and any billionaire can play Alan Shepard. Look, look, behold, the future! A rocket that stands on the launch pad looking like a dick with Republican Governors standing in state Capitols doing the same.”

“Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids.”
― John Steinbeck

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