By David Glenn Cox
When in doubt, lie. When uncertain, embellish. When lost, pull it out of your butt! (Sign alleged to be hanging in the Faux News break room.) It’s like the old Adili Stevenson remark, “You stop telling lies about me, and I’ll stop telling the truth about you.” What won’t you do for money? (Sign that should be hanging in the Faux News breakroom.) Some poor parental slobs, scrimping and saving, working nights and weekends. Taking out loans from banks to put a hatchling of Satan, through State College. “Where did our little girl go?” Then comes that fateful (John Hughes film) day when she calls excitedly from that big city and says. “Mom, Dad! I got a job at Faux News!”
Every parent’s worst nightmare. “Mom, Dad! I joined a cult! His name is Charlie, but that’s just his Earth name! His Galactic name is Sky! And he lives on a motorcycle.” The only real advantage being the job pays well, and will keep little Skies and Skyler’s, from potentially growing up in your basement, like so many mushrooms. Extras from a Mad Max film, National Lampoon’s Daily Nightmare. Children raised with rules as an artificial construct. Imposed by Imperialists, who have already extinguished their own dreams of freedom, and now seek to impose their unhappiness through conformity on someone else!
So, maybe they’re sitting around the break room, bouncing plots off each other one day. “You know with seven billion humans on the planet. A billion or so Chinese, a billion or so Indians, the War in Afghanistan must be Jill Biden’s fault!”
As for myself, I try and stay away from attacking First Ladies generally unless. 1. I suspect that they have been buried illegally, and sporting goods are involved. 2. The First Lady in question has a comedy accent! No one can resist a good comedy accent! Nixon would have walked with a comedy accent. “Eye yem Gnot Croke!” 3. And finally, the First Lady in question reminds us of Nadia. A short-lived annoying character from the “Friends” series. That nobody liked or would talk to and was made to sit in the back of the coffee shop under a sign which read, “Reserved for Nadia!” Those are my principles and if you don’t like them, I have others!*
I just can’t imagine clocking in at Faux News, as a new employee on my first day! “And here is your desk, if you get any ideas for any good lies. This is where you come to write them down! Now this is your computer, this where you take the lie and flesh it out some. Make up some facts and figures to go along with it and give it some legs. Always ask yourself, Is this lie good for the company? Could we be sued? Now, I know that this is only your first day and all, but I need to mention the quota. We work here on the quota system. You will be expected to generate at least seventeen distinct and unique lies or fabrications per week. If you don’t make your quota, they write you up! Don’t make the quota for any three consecutive weeks, and you’re out the door like truth in advertising!
It’s all a part of the bonus plan; the most successful liars will be given their own prime-time television shows and be made pampered millionaires. Free to pursue sexual harassment, fornication, and usury! That is, until the day of the lawsuit, and the final escapade. When the need to spend more time with family brings them down in flames, like a Zero over Guadalcanal. They plunge into the dark waters and are never heard from again. Then it is your turn; we are as replaceable as shark’s teeth around here.
“Well, well, I’ve been working on this lie at home! I wasn’t sure it was good enough! But here goes, “The War in Afghanistan is Jill Biden’s fault.” Nice! Very nice, for a first effort. Tell ya what, I’m going to get them to slide that into the conversation. Somewhere between Joe Biden is a monster and the Democrats want to sell the planet to the Martians, so they can have sex with children. If it works, you could hand it off to the nighttime crew and let them run with it. Here at Faux News, when polishing your nose, brown is the color of choice. Who knows, we might even suggest impeachment!
Only one week later, to become a suffering creative. “Let’s see, Joe Biden works for the Russians, no that’s been done. Joe Biden stole the Presidential election, no that’s been done too. Joe Biden’s son works for the Russians. No, that won’t work either. We found laptops thousands of miles from their owners, that prove some sort of heinous crime was committed by the Biden family, but what? Joe Biden helped the Taliban, done that one too. Rudy Giuliani says, oh fuck no!”
The Faux News show bible, says the character of Joe Biden, as portrayed by Joe Biden. Is a frail sickly man in a steep mental decline. His decline being such, that his wife as portrayed by Jill Biden, should have intervened to save America, by talking Joe Biden out of running for office. Not one scintilla of fact, and demonstrably untrue. Just beat the drum over and over, and don’t worry about the tune. “How about this one? Joe Biden is a weak President without any leadership!” Sorry kid, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than that! That’s a given! We used that one on his first day!
“Mom, Dad, I got fired from Faux News. I couldn’t keep up with the quota. They said my lying was sub-par and unimaginative. Would it be alright if, Skyler and the twins and me, moved into the basement?”
Somewhere in America, two parents cry over a long-lost savings account. They could have bought a lake house or toured Europe.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
― Groucho Marx