I Want to Be President God Damn it!

By David Glenn Cox

“I used to be a King, then everything around me turned to dust.” Originally, from a Graham Nash tune. Of late, sung by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis or as his friends know him, Ron De Death Sentence. Oh, to turn back the hands of time on this one! A montage of images flickering in slow motion of Presidential frontrunners. Who have self-detonated, immolated, screamed like a girl, got caught with a hooker or rode in a tank run relentlessly through his brain. (Don’t fuck up, don’t fuck up, don’t fuck up!) It was all going to be so easy; he’d already invited Mayflower to stop over to give him a moving quote.

He was Trump’s main cock holster and hovered around him like Wrenfield. But boy howdy, back in the day, he sure had it going on and then…dust. Early in the Covid Pandemic or what we’ve come to call just Florida. Killer Ron suspected a state employee of using a state device to leak information. Information that said Killer Ron was fudging the Covid numbers, so he had her arrested.

His suit was still pressed, and his hair wasn’t mussed, but people took notice of his Gestapo approach. Then trying to be hip, and with it, and cool. Killer Ron along with other Republican Governors, opted to deny the unemployed additional Federal benefits. Money that was just sitting there on the table marked “Florida,” almost three quarters of a billion dollars. Money that will never be spent inside the very Florida businesses, that call themselves Killer Ron’s campaign contributors.

Killer Ron, made headlines issuing anti-mask mandates, while living all alone in a big ole Governor’s Mansion, who needs them huh? History repeating itself, Herbert Hoover had breakfast with his cabinet one day to discuss the Great Depression. As Hoover finished his breakfast of eggs and sausages and washed it all down with fresh squeezed orange juice. He questioned if the hunger problem in America, was really as bad as they say.

But never look a gift horse in the mouth! Killer Ron was gonna ride that pony “Anti-Mask Doom Slayer” all the way to the Rose Garden in the Presidential Derby Stakes. He’s tough, he’s with it! He won’t let some Washington bureaucrat with decades of medical experience, tell him what to do!

If you or a loved one, currently have or have recently experienced the Covid-19 virus. The Amazing Kreskin says you probably live in Florida, as a majority of America’s Covid patients now do. But the ice is beginning to crack under Ronny’s feet, as school boards across the state reject his anti-mask mandates. Killer Ron begins to threaten people…state officers. Killer Ron is going cut paychecks, because it is that Fucking important that Killer Ron look good on camera. “Shhh, shut up everyone! Or you’re gonna blow this thing for me!”

It is of no consequence that the Governor is wrong. Everyone of lucid mind knows that he is wrong, including two thirds of Floridians. But Killer Ron knows, in for a penny, in for a pound. He can’t stop now. Killer Ron opens clinics with antibody therapies to treat the sick, rather than prevent the illness. “See? This is good too! You don’t have to spend all your time and money preventing disease! You don’t have to be careful. What do you need with safety glasses, if you got Jesus hanging around? We got emergency rooms all over this place! Go ahead, take the guard off the table saw!”

“I am,” said the Republican. “So, I am cruel.” But I am cruel with the principles of sound economic finance, and cold analytical judgment, because I’m tough! I want to get all those good for nothing, lazy fat ass children, to stop eating so much! Maybe, just maybe, if I forget to apply for food benefits for the eligible poor, the impoverished children of Florida will take a hint and get the message. As a part of the American Rescue Plan,  it offers a one-time bonus of $375 in food assistance. Designed to cover the summer food expenses of parents trying to replace the school lunch program.

Don’t get excited, Florida’s share was only $820 million dollars. To qualify for the program, participating states were required to raise their hand and say, “Here or Present” to be eligible to get the money. Florida, failed to apply! Florida grocery store chains missed out on an $820 million dollar windfall, because Killer Ron is a tough guy. “We don’t want your money! Not if it comes from Joe Biden! Our children would rather go hungry than eat food from Joe Biden! See, tough guys speak with one voice… their own.

One billion, five hundred million dollars and counting, in missing Federal aid dollars to the distressed citizens of Florida. Just so Killer Ron can show us he’s tough, but then…dust. Killer Ron’s poll numbers are hitting the floor faster than five shots of Tequila and two bowls of Maui Wowie will put you there. The Associated Press published a statement the other day, with all kinds of flowery language in it . Asking Killer Ron’s Press Secretary, to please be ever so kind as to, not threaten their reporters anymore or in future. Unique among the press stories of the day, with a Cc to the legal department being included. What a coincidence, all these threats.

Who would have thunk it? I cut your unemployment benefits and make your children go hungry. I force your children into unsafe schools. I ignored what was happening in Mississippi, opening their schools without masks. I don’t care about your food or your well-being. I don’t even care if the building collapses around your ears, shit happens princess. But now, after all I’ve done for you! You have the nerve to say you don’t want to vote for me anymore? I want to be President God damn it! Twump said I could if he didn’t want to!

“America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but its people are mainly poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves. To quote the American humorist Kin Hubbard, ‘It ain’t no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.’ It is in fact a crime for an American to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by the American poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters. The meanest eating or drinking establishment, owned by a man who is himself poor, is very likely to have a sign on its wall asking this cruel question: ‘if you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?’ There will also be an American flag no larger than a child’s hand – glued to a lollipop stick and flying from the cash register.” – Kurt Vonnegut