I Can Hear Them Laughing from Here

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

So, the other day at the White House there was this big, closed-door meeting in the oval office. Jan Psaki passed Joe a burning fatty. Joe took a big toke, looked up at the ceiling and still holding his toke he said impishly, “You know what would be fun? You know what we ought to do? We ought to terminate Kelly Anne Conway! Just for the pure fun of it.” The room erupted in cries of “You should do it Joe,” and general laughter as Joe passed the doobie on. The idea surged around the room with names added, like Sean Spicer and H.R. McMaster. But the name Andrew Giuliani was omitted for now, on the grounds he’ll be supporting his penniless elderly father, when he gets out of prison some day.

Kelly Anne is on the board of the US Air Force Academy (Visitor’s Center). It means that when ladies visit the Air Force Academy (Visitor’s Center) and use the restroom in the (Visitor’s Center) and find toilet paper in the stalls, and sparkling porcelain fixtures properly attached to the wall for their comfort. Kelly Anne has been vigilant and is ever on the job. The ultimate patronage job, you’ve sucked the dick. Now here’s your cocaine! Show up a couple of times a year, and vote on important matters like staying open an hour later, during daylight savings or adding darling little items for the gift shoppe or maybe, even giving board members a raise.

Anyone with half a buzz on will tell you, “If you are going to pour cold water over a chicken; find the one that clucks the loudest.” The one that will give you the biggest bang for your cluck! So, when Kelly Anne received her pink slip it, she was outraged. She immediately filed for unemployment and then fired off an angry letter to Joe.  

“How dare you fire me from my phony bologna patronage job, that never should been in the first place! I sucked a lot of dicks for that job! I got a contract!” Sean Spicer just shrugged his shoulders and saying, “Me too, before saying, “fired again.” I would have given anything to see Kelly Anne’s letter passed around the White House conference room table. I’m certain it was the bright spot in Joe’s Day. And they say government work is no fun.

But Kelly Anne likes her alternative facts; she wasn’t fired, the board was just expanded to not include her. She didn’t lose her job. It’s still right where it always was, only they’ve stopped paying her to do it. You can’t help but want to pour cold water on her, just to hear her squawk. She’s been self-appointed special liaison to former (Visitors Center) employees. Kelly Anne warned in her new role, that firing worthless and incompetent patronage employees now! Will make it more difficult to find qualified, worthless and incompetent patronage employees for the make work jobs of the future! Is that what you want America? Are you willing to risk that?

Hundreds of unemployed Trump flunkies, aimlessly wandering down these mean American streets. Maybe the Bureau of Labor Statistics, should add a new category to their monthly jobs report. “Newly Unemployed Trump Flunkies (In thousands) not hired by Faux News.” If you have been holding your water, you should go now. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for any accidents.

Okay; Kelly Anne says; “this, is a break from Presidential norms.” (You don’t even need a joint to make that sound funny) You are damaging the office of the President! The prestige and mystic of the Presidency will be permanently and irreparably harmed, by firing worthless political patronage appointees. No paper in the stalls today and Talban running wild in your streets tomorrow! Don’t say you weren’t warned!

“I’ll have you know; I  studied guest relations in college, and majored in the (Visitor’s Center) Arts. I know when, and when not, to check the paper towel dispenser. And I know, where to get the best wholesale price on a case of hand soap around. I can spot an empty vending machine at twenty paces. Those little trinkets didn’t decide for themselves to walk into the gift shoppe! In lieu of Daylight savings time, I vote we close an hour early!”

Like any four-year-old child, who feels they have been fired and called a doo, doo head inappropriately. Kelly Anne responds with, “I’m not the doo, doo head. No, you’re the doo, doo head and I won’t resign, and you can’t make me!” It’s hard to keep a running approximation for the totals of employees, once fired, who then tell their boss, “You can’t fire me!”

By my best estimation in non-union jobs across America. The success rate for getting unfired, when not related to the boss by blood or marriage, is about nine million to one. Receiving a letter in the mail from your boss stating: “You will be terminated, if you don’t resign before six o’clock.” Is considered the end of negotiations. Unless of course, Kelly Anne is a dues,  paying member of the Brotherhood of “Trump Flunkies, Steam Fitters, Bullshit artists and Movie projectionists Union (local 12). If she’s not a card-carrying member of the TF,SF,BS & MP she’s out of luck. If she is a member, they’ll hold a hearing first and then fire her.

It should be remembered when categorizing or scrutinizing Trump Flunkies, that time in service, isn’t considered a good number. The Twump Administration didn’t just have a revolving door, they had ejection seats. Anthony Scaramouche’s career was saved, by being fired during his first two weeks. Names on office doors were often made of printer paper and magic marker, and just taped to the door. Plastic plants don’t need to be watered, if we decide not to use this office for a while. “You can work here temporarily, until the press gets a good look at your Neo-Nazi resume’ or you leave after refusing to sacrifice yourself violating Federal Laws.

Being employed in the Twump regime from the opening kickoff, until final inaugural no-show. And in light of the hundreds of government employees who did walk away, rather than debase themselves. A resume’ coach would advise; “Replace Twump Administration” with “Federal Prison. Don’t tell prospective employers, that you worked for the Twump Administration. Tell them that you were in prison for four years, after pulling a bank job. They’ll have more respect for you that way. You still won’t get the job, but boy won’t they be impressed, that you’re trying to turn your life around!”

But the irate letter is very important. Faux News always advises its guests to bring visual aids along when possible. Non-radioactive pieces of the alien spacecraft are permissible  No, alien weaponry or Big Foot stool samples are allowed! (Because of last time!) Kelly Anne knows, if she can make a splash in the Conservative latrine with her irate letter. Maybe Faux News will let her join the midnight to never shift, on its already bloated and overburdened payroll.

Maybe the conservative minions will rise and call for justice! Justice for Kelly Anne! Fired from her no work, patronage position just for being unqualified. Unqualified even to do nothing, according to Jan Psaki. Now, who says government work is no fun? I can hear them laughing from here.

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