Joe Biden Ate Her Homework

Or (Shoes for Industry!)

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

For best results: Read in a crying nasal whine. with the image of a baby squirting out tears rapidly from the tear ducts of both eyes in an avant-garde cartoon, firmly in your mind. Alaska Republican State Senator, Lora Reinbold was banned from flying Alaska Airlines last year, after refusing to wear a mask. She now stomps her feet and threatens to hold her breath, before saying, “Now I can’t get to work! And it’s all YOUR fault! You and that bad old Joe Biden rule, about masks!”

I had a friend who lived in Alaska for 15 years. He was telling me about the airplane he owned. I asked, “when did you get your pilot’s license?” He looked back and answered, “you’ve never been to Alaska, have you? A plane is like a car in Alaska, and if you kill yourself the fine is minimal, and you know who to blame.

He bought the plane just to get around, but people were always throwing money at him wanting rides to different places. He said that the state didn’t charge the fine, until they found your dead body or whatever was left of it. And that sometimes, they didn’t even bother to look.

Senator Reinbold has sent a letter to the Capitol asking to be excused from votes for the rest of the term, because Joe Biden ate her homework. “I hope you’re happy now! Look what you’ve done Joe Biden! The citizens of my district will suffer, and it’s all your fault!” The Senator admits that while it is possible for her to make her way to Juneau  on foot. The hike is difficult and will take two days and an Econo-Lodge to get there. Or about the same amount of time the American League gave the Yankees to get to Comisky Park in Chicago, during the 1930s. It’s been done.

Just another chorus of the Republican Tabernacle choir singing, WAA! WAA! WAA! I’ve pissed in my pants! I’ve pooped my drawers! This is all your fault, now what are you going to do about it?

Let’s look at the forensics, shall we? Which came first? The banning from the Airlines or the refusing to wear a mask? Were you told that you were required to wear a mask on this flight, and you agreed? Or was this fact hidden from you, and only sprung on you at the last moment and you were unprepared?  If she’d been prepared, I bet she would have given them all an earful from her chair at the preferred customer lounge of Alaska Airlines. Another couple of drinks and she’d have told them about George Washington, and the purple mountains and the majesty and shit.

Floriduh Governor, Ron Debraindead wants to protect your child’s right to go to the best public-school underfunding can imagine. And to protect his or her,  God given right to be exposed to a deadly disease, if they so choose! Regardless, of if they might potentially become a carrier for said deadly disease. Why or how is it possible, that this strip of cloth inspires such rage in Republicans? It’s not the Confederate battle flag, we didn’t take from General Lee. But it isn’t what the mask does, it’s what the mask means. As long as the population is focused on a disease, they will stay home and won’t listen to the boss. The bosses have lost control.

Now Twump for all his faults and failings was about as obvious as a Dick & Jane primer. What was Twump’s very first message about the virus? “Don’t worry about it! It will all go away soon, all by itself. If you don’t look under the bed, the monster won’t bother you.  Now, let’s all go to church on Easter Sunday and get back to work on Monday! (Excuse me Firesign Theater, a thousand pardons!) “Shoes for Industry! Shoes for the Dead!”

Factory foremen are explaining to the boss, why the widget factory didn’t meet its production quota last quarter. Billionaires and academics lament; “Well, the end of the world’s coming and I need X billion dollars to complete my Mars rocket project on schedule, to get the hell away from you people.” Somewhere in Republican Party headquarters, they sit behind a rows of adding machines. Trying to determine exactly, down to the last nickel. How much this pandemic has cost them in lost revenue. And how precisely, they can recoup their loss. Their message is very simple, the same message the Overseer had for the slaves. “Get back to work you lazy fucks!” But I  might get sick and die! “So, ah do tell what part of that, I should be concerned about?”

You see, if you take life on Earth and divide it by the number of possible dollars earned. You can quickly see the meaning of Republican life. You lose one miner for every thousand tons of coal, so you better get the help wanted sign ready, it’s gonna be a busy day. They see the world as a simply a monetary system, and you are a wheel or a cog, in that system. If you aren’t producing or your teeth break off, you are a drag on the planet and should just get off. You might be the greatest actor since Brando, waiting for your big break but until it comes, you’re a lazy bum!

Dollar signs times ticking clock, equals the ratio of cost per breath of air. They keep track of what shampoo you use and what you like for breakfast in the morning. You are connected to them by a thousand tentacles. They know everything about you, but don’t want you to know anything about them.

I saw an advocacy commercial the other day, with a long shot of the Great plains. You had to just imagine the flag waving in the distance all by yourself. But the announcer warned, “Taxing harmful chemicals, would make it more difficult to repair America’s infrastructure! Don’t let them tax harmful chemicals! You love America, don’t you? Boo Hoo! They will spoil America, if they tax harmful chemicals! You don’t want that to happen! Do you? Call your congressman right now and tell them, “Not to tax harmful chemicals!”  I’ll just sit here and weep quietly, while you dial the phone!”

The Loud Boys say, stay away from the September 18th rally, it’s a trap. “But we wanted to protest! It’s not fair! They put those innocent people in jail, just for killing a couple of cops. How dare they do that! Waa! It’s not fair! That tucker fucker says they’re trying to throw him off the air! Waa! That’s not fair! Governor Bubba Abbott of the lost Mind of Texas, signs into law a bill to prevent Conservatives from being picked on by social media companies. “WAA! I don’t want to wear a mask! The dog ate my medical excuse, I can’t breathe when I wear a mask. Just let me get the vodka and I’ll go quietly. That law doesn’t apply to me, I’m special! What do you mean, I have to get off the airplane! That’s not fair! Waa!”

I think a lot of this behavior is generational. I was raised in the generation that if my dad said, “Go cut the yard” I didn’t ask why, “Because, I told you too! That’s why!” But in later generations, “I don’t feel like it.” Or “I don’t want to,” were also considered other possible acceptable answers. “It’s too hot out, or we’re almost out of gas or I’ll do it later.” They see no reason to follow orders now; they never had too before. And who are you calling a Snowflake? You Snowflake baby!

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