By David Glenn Cox
I finally saw one of the now famous, cattle dewormer videos on YouTube.(Actual drug name deleted over fears of renegade fact checkers, who’ve never heard of satire.) Because of YouTube’s algorithm and my addiction to history documentaries, Jay Leno’s Garage, and classic MST3K. Cattle wormer videos don’t usually come up in my video feed too often. It had all the textbook signs of a grifting come-on, from the get-go. It began even before they spoke, by identifying themselves as a foundation. “I’m not just some itinerant crank from the Internet, I’m with a foundation!”
Picture if you will, that classic episode of Andy Griffith, with the patent medicine salesman peddling his wares from the back of his Internet electronic wagon. As Andy and Barney watch among the crowd.
“Amazing News! Everyone should know this! Finally exposed! Everyone in the entire fucking world is lying to you, except me! The FDA, the CDC, the NIH, the WHO everyone! Even the guy telepathically spying on me from his apartment downstairs. They’re all liars, and all in on it! Didn’t you know that? It’s true! But boy, are you lucky I came along when I did. Because even though the government is lying to you, and the medical establishment is lying to you, and the United Nations is lying to you. I alone, know the truth. I alone, found out. I’m wise to them brother. Are you hip to their Jive? Or just a rube fresh in from the Styx, on the four o’clock turnip truck?”
Now, you don’t have to take my word for it alone, this here is Dr. U Never Heardof. He’s a sixteenth generation Apache war chief, with a degree from Harvard, and an expert in the ways of ancient Chinese medicine, and Mayan pottery. He once gave Neil Armstrong, directions to the men’s room. He is a member in good standing of the CISIMB Society (Clubs I started in my basement) and executive director of the BWTG Club.” (Better world through grifting)
Actually, the guy had credentials long as your arm. In fact, he had too many. They were trying too hard. An important doctor shouldn’t have to work that hard, trying to convince you that he’s really is an important doctor. “So, they say you aren’t feeling very well. It’s okay, you can tell me, I went to medical school and everything. I’m a doctor, really! It was long time ago, but I still remember everything. Got straight A’s. Want to see my diploma? It’s real, and not one of those fake ones, you can order off the Internet. It’s signed in real ink!”
The Doc was of retirement age. As in, if this doesn’t work, my career is over any way. As in, if this doesn’t work, the loan shark will just have to break my legs. You know, Rudy Giuliani was once the popular Mayor of New York City. I know it sounds farfetched, but It’s true! Google it! People say all kinds of things for all kinds for all kinds of reasons. “Say, didn’t you used to be somebody? Let’s make a YouTube video and split the proceeds.” Who wouldn’t want to take advice from Uncle Rudy?
Dr. Never Heardof explained that (Cattle dewormer: Name in Witness protection program.) Had been used 3.5 million times in Africa, over the past twenty years. Let’s all pull out our pocket calculators and divide 3.5 million by twenty. For those of you who came unprepared, the answer is 175,000. “Boy, that sure sounds like lots of medicine Doctor Never Heardof! But isn’t the current population of Africa, over 1.3 billion people? Wouldn’t that mean that this cattle wormer is so popular, that one in every seventy-five-million Africans was treated with the drug, successfully last year?
The O.A.N. television channel has an average audience of 11,000 viewers. Impressive huh? In a nation of five or six hundred million television sets, currently in operation in the United States. You couldn’t be that alone on Walden Pond. The “Caution, Wet Paint” channel probably draws nearer 100,000 viewers.
If one in every seventy-five million Africans used the drug every year. That means the equivalent number of Americans to be treated with cattle dewormer each year, should be right about three, or four…tops, from sea to shining sea. Maybe it doesn’t sound all that serious, but this is exactly what they nailed Socrates for. Making the lessor cause appear the greater.
Doc Heardof said that cattle wormer was safer than aspirin and was famous the world over for curing parasitic diseases. Remember when you got that new puppy? And you had to take him to the vet and get him wormed, because he wouldn’t stop skidding his butt across your new living room carpet? That’s a parasitic disease! You show me one Covid patient skidding his butt across the carpet in the living room, and maybe I’ll listen. I’m not a doctor, but last time I checked, Covid was a virus and worms are worms.
I need it explained to me in layman’s terms, how a drug designed to make worms let go from the small intestines in a baby cow, treats a virus? “I had the flu once, and I ate whole box of Exlax and when I got up the next morning. Why, my flu was gone! It was a miracle cure hidden from us, by the crooks of modern science.
I had to buy new set of sheets and a new mattress, but my flu was gone!” It doesn’t even make a little bit of sense. It makes Hydroxychloroquine look like penicillin. But the cattle wormer has secret ingredient, not known to those prone to book learnin. It’s got twice the daily proscribed amount of “It’s a secret that they don’t want you to know about!” They, they, they! Those people, those know-it-all doctors and smart-ass people, trying to make you feel bad about yourself. For spending your whole tax refund on NASCAR collector plates, instead of getting the car fixed.
The Republican Party is a fear-based organization. It starts with the premise that everyone is lying to you. The government, the media, and only they can be trusted. With evangelical zeal, “I’m only trying to protect you from the demons that are hovering all around you brother. You can’t trust the media. You can’t trust the elections, unless I say so! They are all lying to you! Everyone!”
You’re lucky I came along when I did, I’ll wise you up. Hillary is a pedophile who enjoys devouring young children in a pizza parlor. Hugo Chavez has secret fleet of Yellow submarines and Twump won the election. Good thing I came along, to wise you up. Cause, if anybody ever tries to tell you that the first sign of a cult. Is someone trying to convince you that only they have the truth, and everyone else is lying. Don’t listen to them! They’re lying!”
“Don’t you believe them Ethel! You don’t have to get in a lifeboat in the middle of the night! Don’t you get it? They’re all lying to you! It’s a media stunt. They hit the iceberg on purpose, just to get headlines. The Titanic is unsinkable! Boy, am I gonna laugh my ass off at all you dumb suckers. When they start hauling those lifeboats back in, and you’ve caught your death of cold!”