The Cletus Chronicles

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Power up Power Rangers! We’re gonna Ninja Turtle the living shit out of them today! I do like to keep up with the latest trends, even if I don’t always participate. My years in sales, force me to study the market. But I missed this one, because I don’t speak NASCAR. I tried in my freshman year in high school, but after a semester, I just wasn’t getting it. They finally let me drop the class for a study hall. When I was a kid, we had a rule. The first time, a teacher or the principal or your mom said, “groovy.” That meant, groovy wasn’t groovy anymore. That secret club and handshake, that only you and I know about!

A club only for the cool kids, and not the nerds and definitely not for the adults. Our secret language based on our juvenile antics, Disney TV references and fart noises. And well, one monkey throws a turd, and you better expect them all to start chunking turds. I encountered this alien sub-culture, and it made me feel all Diane Fossey. One of my readers, a conservative gentleman. He had misunderstood my oh, so amusing remarks about the state of the former President’s complexion. And whether the former First Lady was still alive, or buried in a sand trap on the back nine.

He excoriated me and reminded me how many people like orange skin. And he left me with, “Let’s Go Brandon!” Oh, I was so cut to the quick. How could he say that…to me? I had a mother you know! (Feckless Facebook moderation) Anyway, if you also failed NASCAR in high school, I’ll do a crude, simple translation.

It all began in the Holy Land, in Talladega, Alabama. When race fans began to heckle and shout obscenities on national television. At a reporter trying to interview the race winner, Brandon Brown. The crowd then began chanting obscenities about Joe Biden, forcing the reporter to move away, with the phrase…”Let’s go Brandon!”

Get it? Don’t you get it? Try putting in your ten-year-old brain. There, see? Then it makes perfect sense. “Go-go-gadget insurrection!” It’s a slight aimed at the perceived Liberal media bias, thereby forcing the media to retreat from a crowd of drunken rednecks shouting obscenities. “Them Liberals, they always shut them cameras off, if in you scream “Fuck!” fer long enough. They can’t take the heat man!”

This Conservative gentleman was implying that I was refusing to interact with him fairly, due to his limited vocabulary and cognitive skills. And so, he devastated me by dropping the “B” word on me. Boy, was my face not red. That’s the problem with secret codes and languages. If you don’t speak the lingo, it falls flat.

 You can cuss me out in Portuguese, and I’ll just smile. It is difficult to interpret, like code talkers without understanding the NASCAR reference or Brandon Brown reference. And honestly, I still don’t understand how this is a slight to Joe Biden? (Be Aware Joe Biden, drunken rednecks in Alabama, don’t like you.)

But archaeologists are still searching the Talladega grounds, looking for clues or a beer bottle written in both languages. So that we might break the code and decipher the hidden meaning. “Where’s the beef!” “Less filling, tastes great!” Slogans jingles, signal, limited thought process. You don’t have to debate or try and find common ground. Not with “Let’s go Brandon,” in your back pocket. Jinx, jinx! Step on a crack and break your momma’s back! “Brawny, it’s got electrolytes!”

It clearly shows the dividing line in the nation, According to Faux News this meme “Let’s go Brandon” is sweeping the nation, like wildfire! Yet, I can find no reference to it outside the Reich Wing media sphere. “Not available in stores, “ AS SEEN ON TV! “Hey, good looking! We’ll be back to pick you up later!” But wait, don’t order now! The first thousand callers will receive a commemorative, state of Colorado shaped Jell-O mold.

Some of the Conservative memes go on to become famous, “Segregation Now!” and  “So what, I never went to high school!” or “She told me she was eighteen.” My personal favorite, “Get off my lawn, I’ve got a gun!”  It’s serious, like mustard stains on a Klan robe. The uniform so limits the social interaction, as the Klan team always comes in last in the bowling league. A small group repeating back to each other the catch phrase of the day. “Tell us the secret phrase and be caller number six. You’re caller number six!” Is it, ah, ah, wait a second? I know this one! Could it be? Could it be, “Let’s go Brandon?”

No, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect, that was yesterday’s catch phrase. The correct answer for today is , “Hey Stanley, how’s your Aardvark?”

 “But I’ve never heard of that one! And I try keeping up, that one sounds a little bit esoteric, if you ask me!”

It references a professional wrestler named Stanley from Aardvark, Nova Scotia, and his long running feud with Francisco, King of the Pampas! In their last cage match, Francisco had pulled a knife and then bashed Stanley in the head with a chair, leaving him unconscious ! As he left the ring he was heard to say, “Hey Stanley, how’s your Aardvark?” It is considered by Conservative scholars to be one of the wittiest remarks on record.

“Jane! Jane! Stop this crazy thing, Jane!” This is who we are dealing with. And you won’t find them in those booky things neither. You’re playing chess and they are playing Donkey Kong… with the machine unplugged!  The Cletus Chronicles – “I put in a quarter; now, why won’t it work?” And never shall the monkey meet the queen!

Houston, the Eagle has landed… in the third grade. I know you are, but what am I? I’m rubber your glue. What bounces off me sticks to you, over. Liar, liar, pants on fire can’t jump over the telephone wire, over!

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones! They’re the modern stone age family. From the town of Bedrock, They’re a page right out of history!

“Let’s go Brandon!”

Up Yours Jobu!

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