Citizen Biden

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

I have a guilty pleasure/bad habit. I listen to the skip at night on the AM radio, while I wait for sleep to overtake me. It’s a single man’s hobby as going to bed alone, isn’t as much fun as it used to be. But it’s the National Inquirer of the air! The Mercury Theater Players bring you live…Citizen Biden! It’s like Forest Gump’s box of chocolates, as you never know what you’ll get!

Now these stories, like Dragnet says, are true. Not true in any factual sense, but true as in, this what they broadcast…with a straight face. This first one is a little confusing, so I’ll get it out of the way. Our guest tonight has a book (Of course he has a book. Without a book, he’s just another crank.) In his new book, he explains how unhappy people will solve their problems in the future, by life shifting. Under the well accepted, scientific principle of reincarnation. We jump from body to body, throughout time.

One day you’re Torquemada, the next day Madam Curie, the next Johnny Weissmuller, the next Steve Bannon. So, if you are unhappy with the state of your current life. What you need to do is have your self-regressed, until you find a life where you really feel good about yourself!

A side note: because the guest is not physically in the studio but calling from a basement or a bus station. The host is free to enter into adversarial conversation, without fear of a physical altercation.

Quote: “Why, that’s the most ludicrous explanation of reincarnation, I’ve ever heard!”

But it’s true! His guest insisted.

“How long have you been working on your book?”

Thirty-two years

Host: “Really…”

But sometimes, you come in mid -story and must catch up by reference alone . If the story for you starts, “En then, we done found three holes in the ground and burnt spot in the grass!” You don’t need to hear any further.

This story started with, “It was a female. And I saw her lead some of the smaller ones to the tree line, before she came back. She was looking right at me. I could tell that she could see me. And then, it was like I got a message…telepathically! “Be gone! And come no further!” That Sasquatch must have been seven or eight feet tall!” One Sasquatch is no longer sufficient, you must now see a group, to get any traction.

A medical side bar: humans often receive this sort of telepathic message when facing imminent death. It is a message sent from the fear center of your brain disguised as telepathy. In a last desperate attempt to get you to listen, if you think the message is from great beyond! Don’t throw rocks at the Aliens and don’t water balloon Sasquatch, and you’ll probably be alright.

But when you mention Citizen Biden, the cameras angles go all crazy, and what’s the deal with the sled? They call in tears, and in ashes and sack cloth, “Oh God! They moan. What are we going to do now? It’s all gone! Our beautiful Republic, all gone! Joe Biden done mandated a shot! Where does he get off! This ain’t no Communist Russia, you know!”

If you wanna in listen too, listen for stations advertising gold and survivalist supplies. Look for the demographic steeped in apocalyptic fear! “I will survive the nuclear apocalypse you brought about Joe Biden! Eating my dried beans and shitting in paint bucket. Searching endlessly, for another survivor that has change for a Krurgerrand or a gold bar. “I’ll give you this whole nice Snicker’s bar for that dirty old Krurgerrand.”

You might not believe this, but it’s true. Big government once mandated by fiat, that my father enter the Navy and fight with Germans to the death! What’s more, they forced him to fly in the Bermuda Triangle at night! My uncle was sent off  to the South Pacific, where he learned to live in the mud and fight, just to stay alive. Free young Americans snatched off the street, abducted by big government. Forced against their wishes to do a thing, they didn’t want to do. A thing that could ultimately get them killed.

My father was naïve, that whole generation were of a trusting sort back in the day. While my father could see no point in flying around at night after night, over an open ocean looking for surfaced U-boats. He trusted that big government had a plan, and that he was just a small part of it.

He’d heard the propaganda on the radio, “Give up GI, you can’t defeat the third Reich!” Axis Sally once mentioned his unit on the air. But as my dad explained, “When you’re flying “K” ships. The biggest blimps the Navy had, with a gondola the size of a Greyhound Bus off the coast of Miami Beach, Florida. It’s hard to keep it a secret. The first U-boat Captain to see one, would tell all the others.

A strange cacophony of static and non-sense. Just last night, I heard that Covid is a near harmless disease, with a 99% recovery rate.  The vaccine is not safe, but even worse, it’s not even effective. You can’t develop a vaccine during a  pandemic! The host assured the listeners, a famous doctor (not named) had told him so. Dueling narratives, the disease isn’t dangerous, but the vaccine is. Orwell’s swill stick hitting the bucket.

“Then I said, Screw you! Mr. Bigfoot! Then I punched him real hard, right upside his head! I could tell I’d rattled his fuse box a bit there, for a minute. Then, he got this funny look in his eye and sort of  growled, at me real low. I suddenly got a telepathic message sent from beyond! I thought, I’d better share it with the wife and the kids while I could. “Run Ethel! Run! Run for the truck! Fuck the kids, we’ll come back for em later!

Now, I’ll finish with this one,  because it’s the best one. Many of you don’t know this owing to a government school education, but Mr. John D. Rockefeller (1839 – 1937) is the secret father of President Jimmy Carter. As the story was told Rockefeller, was somehow commuting to Georgia, smitten by young Lillian (Gordy) Carter. (1898 – 1983)  Sometime around in his eighties, he would fly his army surplus Spad Biplane down to Georgia, from New York to have sex with the teenager.  A teenager who thought Americus, was the big town.

Then, you wouldn’t believe its true friends , if I didn’t tell you it was. Old John D used his agents and money and secret ways to get his secret son elected President, though he be dead for forty years. His plan would have worked too! if it hadn’t  been for Jesus and Ronald Reagan. But first, friends, let tell you about the wisdom of investing worthless gold coins! When the aliens are rectally probing your wife, you don’t want worthless fiat paper money and neither do the Aliens! Only, gold friends, will get them to back off!

The Twumatarians will not listen to the facts, now or ever. They live in the fact free universe of AM. A world of secret cabals, static and secret societies. Nothing is as it appears. When Twump told them all to get vaccinated, they were certain that it wasn’t really Twump at all, but a Joe Biden body double.  An animatronic perfect, dead ringer bot 9000. Built with captured alien technology, and then superimposed over the real Twump. While the real Twump, was held paralyzed by using an alien disintegrator ray set on stun. Then they did a memory wipe, so Twump has no memory of the event.

Rosebud!

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