Jesus and the Billionaires

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

While world politicians conduct yet another attempt at talking the world’s environment into cooperation. Republicans decline to follow such niche issues as climate, choosing instead to focus on what’s really important. The imposition of a 1984 style government, using propaganda in the form of a large, yellow cartoon bird. Republicans choose to take a firm grip on matters involving jerkin your gherkin instead. Pseudo Nazi and man who would be king, Josh Hawley, (Casius has a lean and hungry look.) is taking matters into his own hands.

It’s not the climate, or the insurrection or even the economy. America’s men risk an uncertain pimply faced and hairy palmed future, due to masturbation and video games. Not at the same time of course, at separate times, but both equally destructive. You might find it odd that it was 92 degrees in Fairbanks, but what’s really important is where you’re putting your hands, when nobody’s looking.

The most mainstream of Republican politics, going back as far as the Puritans. “I saw their hands touch in church! They be Fornicators, Burn them!” Comic books, hot rod cars, Drive-in Movies and Rock & Roll music, all designed by the Communists to take down America’s youth. But underneath it all were the warnings about impure thoughts. A dog can lick his own nuts, but that doesn’t mean God wants you to try it.

You could be out conquering a continent with genocide and disease, like your forefathers. Instead, you’re in here playing with your…Joystick. Selling the evangelical line of moral weakness. That rock hard five AM erection is due to your moral failings. If you didn’t have those impure thoughts when you were awake during the day, you wouldn’t be having them when you’re  asleep! It’s a wonderful two fer, wrap yourself around the warm evangelical stroking and it don’t cost nothing!

“While it is true, we have hundreds of bridges in need of repair. Better to ask yourself, why is Junior taking those long showers? Don’t rile the Bumsteads up over something you might have to actually, fix later. “Lord, I tried my best and yet I regret to inform you, they masturbate still. But our Campaign “Rub Out Masturbation Now!” will go on! Why with your donations, I can take our fight against impure thoughts to Washington! Every time you touch yourself, Jesus kills a puppy!

Tax cuts for the rich and dirty books in the library. In Virginia, a school board administrator proposed burning the books she found offensive. She was shocked at the school’s Principal for not having read every single book in the library and pointing out the one’s she might find offensive. But she then showed her cards, by insisting the students should be reading about Jesus and not Gay porn. “Houston, we have a problem.” You teach your religion on your own time, not on the taxpayers. You already have a building subsidized by the taxpayers to peddle your wares tax free, you have no business in schools.

But they’re teaching history that shows us in a bad light. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that their Great-Great Grandfather wasn’t a nice man with peculiar old-fashioned ideas! God forbid we should ever take a look at ourselves. Or acknowledge the long history of human folly. 

It was once believed that disease was carried in the air and could enter the body through the pores of your skin. You know what opens your pores, bathing. Bathing was strongly discouraged, but we shouldn’t tell our kids about that. Get rid of it; It makes us all look stupid. Pythagoras is talking about triangles again; we should throw him overboard.  That Galileo is a heretic, if we hadn’t been stuck with such a Liberal Pope, they would have torched him by now, for sure.

As long as they can keep the Bumsteads angry about dirty books and impure thoughts. There will always be room for another toxic waste dump or tax cuts in America. “I’m fighting for moral correctness and if environmental legislation is weakened or destroyed in the process, then so be it. I side with Jesus! Jesus and the billionaires.”

It’s barely been a hundred years since it was a crime to teach evolution in Tennessee. The school is teaching something my holy book says is untrue. Moses was nine hundred years old, Noah’s wife didn’t have a name, he just called her “Hey you!” because she was a woman and was therefore unimportant. Noah gathered up two mosquito’s, one male and one female and fed them on human blood to keep them alive. Noah’s family volunteered to carry illnesses such as worms, malaria, and head lice for humanity, which otherwise they would have been wiped out by the great flood.

The insect pavilion of the Ark had to be cordoned off to keep the birds from thinking it was the ship’s cafeteria. But then God used magic to make them not hungry. One, two, three, presto! Why sure, magic, why didn’t I think of that?

Flightless birds and dinosaurs, found their names missing from Noah’s ship’s manifest due to Noah, not knowing they ever existed. Do you know what happens if you flood the earth, until all the land is covered in a month? You desalinize the ocean and kill all life at sea. Unless of course, it was raining salt water, or you use the magic again. It sure does come in handy when inconvenient subjects come up.

It is a harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man enter heaven. It’s even harder than that to get them to pay their taxes! But don’t worry you poor, downtrodden put-upon slaves, they’ll get theirs at a later date. But today, its Margaritas and Somba dancing at the lake house!

Isn’t it interesting how the will of the evangelicals conjoins so closely with the desires of billionaires? You know, if you’re a slave, you should really be a good slave. And if you are mentioned in the Bible, but have no name, it’s because you are considered unimportant. Don’t question the will of the Lord, let your women keep silent in church, it was probably just the magic again, anyway.

We don’t want anything taught in school that makes us feel uncomfortable. We reject new ideas and new theories. Evolution like gravity, are just theories. Teach creationism, we like that theory, because backs up what we thought all along. That it was all done by magic!

“I have a religion — but you will call it blasphemy, It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor … Perhaps your religion will sustain you, will feed you — I place no dependence in mine. –  Mark Twain

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