Mister Natural

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It’s presidential assassination day +58 years. The day that I was supposed to get out of going to school. You don’t forget a day out of school, snatched away like that at the last moment. We were supposed to go downtown and see JFK. Somewhere in or around Dealy Plaza. Morning rain forced my mother to cancel the plans at the last minute and ordered me to start getting ready for school.

As it turned out, I needn’t have gone in anyway. The principal called the teacher out into the hallway and then the teacher came back. And just like that, turned us loose. “Everyone who walked or rode your bike… go home.” I imagine, there was nothing about what to do in the teacher’s handbook. What to do if – someone murders the President downtown. Anyway, enough with the  coloring of the historical record. Let us away from those gentler days of yesteryear.

The headline read: “Ted Cruz Accused of Lying” Firstly, why is that a headline? Breaking News: Bear Takes Large Defecation in Woods. Details at eleven! But here in dystopia 101, it’s not always that simple. Dead in the head Ted went on CBS’s Face the Nation, for the sole and explicit purpose of lying. CBS for their part knew full well ahead of time that Teddy had a plan, and that plan probably included a big fucking lie. Truth be told; it’s the only reason that they invited him, no point in it otherwise. No one wants to watch a firecracker, that doesn’t go off.

Right here on our stage, Bobo the wonder pony! Give him a big hand everyone. You loved him in “That Week in Mexico!” Okay Bobo, the stage is all yours, now do your trick. “Oh my god everyone, did you hear that? Bobo the wonder pony said something outrageous, we’ll have to stop that. Oh, the shock and outrage, and the headlines. Don’t forget the headlines!” Where have you gone Georgie Orwell; we hardly knew ya.

Here in Inverto world, plus is minus and minus is plus. To you and me, Ted looks a boat without both oars in the water, a buffoon. But to the Fascist cultists, he appears a freedom fighter. “You tell em, Ted! Stick it to the man!” The dumber he acts, the better he looks.

You see, to the cultists; CBS is enemy territory. But to CBS, it is all about ratings, not politics. If Ted didn’t appear as the golden buffoon or the freedom fighter. The story would melt and become a failure. But as it sits, it is by its very failure, which makes it a great success. Ted said outrageous things and that’s bad, but really that’s good!

The Republican Lt. Governor of North Carolina, recently said that Straight people were better than Gay people. Any questions? Do you know why he said that? If you guessed, he’s running for higher office, that’s partial credit. But if he doesn’t say things like that, the reporters will stop showing up to asking him to say things like that. Gone are the days of promising good jobs or a new superhighway. We’re going full immersion Fascism here, so pick out an enemy and dance like God’s watching.

You might find this next incident shocking; you might be awed by their courage, their ethics and their just plain bravery. Two long time Faux News commentators have quit the Faux News Network in moral outrage and disgust. Angered by the lies, deceit and fabrications utterd by widdle Tucker TV dinner. “By God,” they said, “after fifteen or twenty years of peddling this crap, with a new car in the driveway and stock portfolio to die for, I’ve had enough of this shit! I will no longer just sit here and repeat your lies for you like a stooge anymore! For the love of God people, where is your journalistic integrity?”

“Now, that we have your attention with free this publicity, and just coincidentally. Us two Faux News Commentators would also like to announce our brand-new publication. In it, we promise to peddle the same kind of crap and conspiracy theories, that put the kids through college. Not like the low and dishonest journalism of Faux News. But the type we’ve been rewarded for after putting it out for decades. This will be better, new, and improved! Wham! Bang! Socko! So, subscribe today!

Mark Twain said, “if you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principle difference between a dog and man.”

Republican’s now embrace “Natural Immunity” as the solution to the Covid pandemic. The amazing pretzel solutions and mental gymnastics to avoid the obvious and simple. But it should be noted, that “Natural Immunity” did end the Black Death. Boy, that sounds great! Where can I get me some of that Natural Immunity? I like it! I like the sound of it. What does it involve? Step one is simple, do nothing. Step two is to repeat step one, until everyone who could possibly die from Covid-19 has died. Then, all of us lucky survivors, will have “Natural Immunity.”

Sure, it’s sounds like a barbaric concept, harkening back to the days of leaches and bloodletting from the middle ages. But just read the headline, and let it sink in, it’s natural! Everyone likes natural solutions. Shut the gates and let the peasants die, until this whole thing blows over… naturally. It only took sixty or so years, getting rid of the Black Death. If we follow the Republican plan for natural immunity, we shall be naturally free of the Covid illness by 2085 or so.

But the Black Death had a much higher mortality rate and usually only visited once. Covid has a much larger spectrum of illness, meaning that some people don’t even know they are carriers as they spread the virus among the vulnerable. Because of that, it is impossible to know who has “Natural Immunity” and who doesn’t. It means that “Natural Immunity” is nothing more than a meaningless phrase, far beyond George Orwell’s reckoning.

The destruction of language is fun I suppose but dull, when compared with twisting it into balloon animals. With “Natural Immunity” it’s almost your own fault for dying. We can’t be held responsible for your lack of “Natural Immunity.”

But the message behind the message, the subliminal message behind the overt message. There hasn’t been a decent widget built in this country, since this all began. Twump told you, now get back to work! Build those widgets, unload those cargo ships, because this costing us money. Why should I give a shit if you can’t find or afford daycare? Why should I care if you think that you’re sick? Why should I care if people die? I have real problems; I have a widget quota to meet.

Back in them good ole days of twelve-hour mining shifts and share cropping. The boss man only needed to clap his hands and yell, “get back to work!” Today due to  a woke society and political correctness, that is no longer possible.

You must first twist the words into balloon animals to convince them, it is either never going happen to them or it is inevitable. We mustn’t try and hide from preventable death if it slows down the widget factory. And it would sound like an absolutely barbaric concept, if we didn’t cloak it in such pretty language.

Darwin called it Natural Selection. The survival of the fittest, the law of the jungle. Republican’s call it “Natural Immunity.”

“No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs. Reality itself is too twisted.”
― Hunter S. Thompson,

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