Stupid Aliens

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

And “yes” I believe in Aliens. But what I don’t believe in is stupid Aliens. In suburban Pittsburgh, a woman reported that as she stepped out into her back yard. An Alien stepped out of the bushes. He was about five feet tall, with red beady eyes and with claws. His face was covered with hair and looked sort of like the wolfman or a five-foot-tall possum.  

I don’t doubt her sighting other than to ask why? Why was there an alien in her backyard and where was his spaceship? Other than taking wiz, I can think of no other specific reason for his presence. But then, I always assume that beings capable of creating intergalactic or interdimensional spacecraft, do not need to hunt down a private spot to urinate. “I told you to go in the last dimension!”

There has to be some logic and a central organizing principle about them. You know when we sent men to the moon, it was all written down and planned out. I tend to think aliens are likewise structured.

Zipron is an alien, and he was drafted into the service three quartangs ago. He gets a paycheck every zecular, but it’s the good Veterans benefits that keeps him reenlisting. Whatever they use for currency on their planet, this Earth program must be expensive. So, I tend to doubt, “Okay, listen up, our next experiment, involves frighting housewives in Pittsburgh. Does everyone have their wolfman mask? You will need to find a housewife, then hide in her back yard. And when she steps outside, you scare the shit out of her and then immediately disappear and write down your notes on her reaction.”

The Repunoids on the home planet would immediately have a field day. “They’re using our hard-earned tax smars frightening humans in Pittsburgh! Surely, we can find better things to do with our tax smars than that. Like maybe a big gold plated masterbater machine that feeds me chocolate bon bons, while it wipes my butt. Some things are the same galaxy wide; I suppose.

Now, depending on which school of thought that you believe. Either the US government knows all them Aliens by their first names, and helps them with their secret bases. Or the government is clueless and has no contact with the aliens whatsoever. But if they are such good pals and all, and the government knows all about them. Why does the air force always send up fighter jets? That doesn’t sound like a friendly response at all. That’s one step away from unfriendly, you don’t send the cops with their guns drawn just to say hello to your friends.

Every time I hear some story about reverse engineering of an alien craft. I see my 1969 Ford Mustang Mach One, in front of a group of cave people in France. “Grog no understand. It run on petrochemical of some sort. A one-piece cast iron block carbureted with 351 cubic inches of combustion chambers. Grog think: We should really learn to make iron, then someday, then we can drill petrochemical wells deep into the earth!”

Here, here’s pocket calculator take it with you and make me one like it, when you get home. If you’re smart enough to figure out how it works and how to build one. You’re smart enough to build your own. And since, we apparently can’t build our own. We ain’t smart enough to figure out how it works.

But, I bet it was fun for the six-foot-tall test pilots. Trying to fly an alien space craft designed for three- and half-foot tall aliens. I can see Gordo Cooper scrunched down on the floor, crash helmet banging on the ceiling explaining. “She’s a piece of cake to fly! But I’ve got to look between my shoes to see out the dang window!”

Gordon Cooper said, he filmed aliens landing in Nevada while he was in the Air Force. If Gordon Cooper says so. Brother there’s Aliens. Cooper landed his Mercury spacecraft within four miles of the aircraft carrier, without a computer.  If he wasn’t real, you’d have to make him up. He wasn’t a man seeking attention.

He’d been a top test pilot and the first Astronaut from Oklahoma, and the last man to go into space alone. A straight shooter and a non bullshitter. If Gordo says he saw aliens land, I believe. I consider him to be a near unimpeachable source. The last man in the world that needs to make up a story to try and impress someone or draw attention to himself.

The military release of Flir videos, from Navy fighter jets frolicking with the Unexplained Aerial Phenomenon with the admission, “Don’t know, beats the hell out of us too!” With the pilots saying, “We see them all the time.” Maybe some Aliens are just friendlier than others. Maybe some Aliens don’t like the other Aliens, because they come from the wrong side of the Galaxy. Maybe the Aliens are just as screwed up as us? Maybe visiting here, is therapeutic and helps them to feel better about themselves.

My ex-wife worked in television and called me up to the station one night to see a video uploaded from another station in Alabama, of a cattle mutilation. The cow’s butthole had been cored out in a perfect square shape and pieces of the jaw had been similarly cored out with one eyeball missing. The spine had been removed with laser precision. Meaning, if the aliens invite you to supper, tell em you have other plans. They aren’t gourmets in a way we understand. “More Butthole? You haven’t touched your eyeball and spine soup.”

A double game, as the military says we don’t know what they are, but you can’t just go jumping to conclusions. You can’t just assume there’s creatures inside those craft. There goes a fire truck! I wonder if there’s any fireman inside it? Okay, you’ve proved they exist, now prove there’s someone inside! There might be a weather balloon or swamp gas inside those craft.

I have a rule for dealing with the paranormal, if the logical explanation is more fantastic than the paranormal explanation, I go with the paranormal.

Someone or something is violating our airspace. And toying with our fighter jets, but we can’t say for sure, if there are any intelligent creatures inside operating them. But these craft manned or unmanned, came here for a reason and came a long way to do it. If it costs a lot of money to send an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf, it costs a lot of money to send a star cruiser to the Milky Way Galaxy. That’s why, I don’t believe in stupid Aliens. They know exactly what they are doing here, but we don’t.

“The cure for a fallacious argument is a better argument, not the suppression of ideas.”
― Carl Sagan

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