Long Nights, Sharp Knives

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

We return you now to America’s favorite soap opera, “As the Republicans Turn.” (Paranoia it’s just paranoia, someone’s watching me!) Donald Twump is very angry with Ron DeSantis. It’s alright to be popular in the Republican Party, provided protocols are followed and the paperwork is in order. But as anyone in show business can tell you. You never step on the star’s shoes. You never get in the star’s close up and don’t ever let the star catch you aspiring to stardom yourself. Just remember who the Mike Lindell character is around here, and you’ll be okay.

So, did you hear? “No, what?” Ronny went on the podcast “Ruthless” in front of tens and tens of fellow Republicans. “And? So what?” He was saying, how you were all wrong. He said, that if he had Covid to do over again, he’d start by paying less attention to you!

Dun, dun, dun, da!

“Of course, you know who is behind this don’t you?” I don’t know, Ronny maybe. “Ha, ha don’t make me laugh, you simple fool. Can’t you see, that this is actually the work of Mitch McConnell? He might as well have signed his name to it and telegraphed it! You see, it’s like that Kevin Bacon thing, only with Mitch McConnell.” Once you understand, “Ruthless” is a podcast co-hosted by Josh Holmes and he was a long-time advisor to Mitch McConnell! So, anything that is said by any guest at any time, on that podcast are actually the words of Mitch McConnell, surreptitiously attacking me!”

Flashback from a prior episode: “Well look, if you can’t find me those votes like I asked you for. The least you can do is call off the investigation. Well, you’re the Governor of Georgia, that’s why! The Governor is higher than any old Attorney General! He has to do whatever you say! Haven’t you read your Constitution? It’s all there in the pre-ramble. Have you even tried firing him? Well look Dwezel, if somebody doesn’t kill that investigation, I’m going to get my close personal friend Sonny What’s-his-name to primary you! And you can tell Mitch McConnell for me, that I said so!”

Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine, Doctor Howard!

A mass casualty event at the Psychiatry camp! “I see your hidden smart ass dig at me Mitch! Watch this! “You know, politicians like Ron DeSantis (Mitch McConnell) that won’t give their vaccination status are… Dun, dun, dun da! “Gutless.”

We will return to “As the Republicans Turn” in just a moment, after these words from our sponsors. Gee Margie Greene, your guns always look so shiny, how do you do it? “I only use Brewster’s Baby Whale oil, made from the all-natural oil of 100 of the finest, baby Humpback whales. The shine is wonderful, but I really like the aroma of the sea! I simply fire a clip through my Glock, and it smells like a day at the beach. And it’s also available in lavender and all-natural John Wayne.” Available in fine gun and pawn store emporiums everywhere!

“Hi, I’m Richard Head, with Better Billionaires Build Better Societies. Do you know, for far too long, Americans have sat back on its haunches, just accepting the status quo? A nation overfilled with national parks and overstuffed with useless wildlife, without one single oil derrick or operating strip mine, inside the gates of a national park. Don’t you want to have someplace to take your boy shooting? It doesn’t get much better than an abandoned strip mine on a frosty winter’s morning.

We here at the BBBS believe that for too long our nation’s parks have been narrowly focused on wildlife and conservation. Birds and trees are great, but what about the Billionaires of this world? Maybe we want to see some strip mining at Yellowstone or oil drilling at Yosemite.

What about our rights?  Strip mining is a part of our national heritage! Don’t let the nervous Nancy’s and Liberals to shut down our economy, with Red China breathing down our necks! Don’t let the Liberal bleeding hearts and book learners, steal away our God given right to environmental degradation and silence us.  – This message was paid for by Rich Bastards who don’t give fuck, LLC.  Richard Head, Chairman. P.S. Why don’t you get a job?

We return you now to “As the Republican’s Turn.” (Paranoia it’s just paranoia, someone’s watching me!)

“It’s all a part of my clever plan Margie, tee he, tee he. They’ll never see it coming! I’ve got Kevin McCarthy secretly working on my plan to unseat, Dun, dun, dun da! Mitch McConnell in the Senate.”

Sir, Kevin McCarthy hasn’t been in his office in three days! And do you know that part from “A Night Before Christmas?” The part about a “bowl full of Jelly?” That’s Kevin McCarthy sir. “The man’s obviously working himself to exhaustion! How bout this, if Mitch McConnell, I mean, if Ron DeSantis really thought I was wrong, why didn’t he say so, before now? Three guesses…and they are all Mitch McConnell!”

“Of course, officially there’s no bad blood between us (Meow!) It’s all just the Lamestream media trying to sew division within our Party. So, when I pick a candidate to run against a seated incumbent Republican, it’s only to make the Party stronger. You know, like with long knives at night. Just an ideological bloodbath of imposed conformity between friends, misread by the media as ethnic cleansing. Only two kinds of Republicans allowed now, Twump Republicans and former Republicans. No, I don’t know any Ernst Röhm, is he one of Mitch McConnell’s people? Does he have a podcast too?”  Dun, dun, dun, da!

Join us again tomorrow, as we bring you another exciting episode from America’s favorite soap opera, “As the Republican’s turn.” (Paranoia it’s just paranoia, someone’s watching me!) When Donald Twump tells Ron Desantis, “I’ll get you, my pretty and your little dog too! Though we remain close personal friends.” Brought to you by the fine folks at Brewster’s Baby Whale gun oil. Don’t go off halfcocked, use Brewster’s! The baby, whale of a gun oil! America’s favorite, baby whale gun oil!”

And by the BBBS, “Sure animals are nice, but what about the economy! If you’re not careful, Bambi’s gonna put you out of work! And then, you’ll be the one out living in the woods foraging for food!”

A totalitarian dictatorship, by its very nature, works in great secrecy and knows how to preserve that secrecy from the prying eyes of outsiders.”
― William L. Shirer

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