By David Glenn Cox
A friendly reader asked, “Why don’t you do a story about Hunter Biden’s laptop?” Okay, I will. It’s bullshit. A concocted pseudo scandal from the treasure trove of things the uneducated don’t know much about. Like, did you know that a Yale trained attorney makes more money than the lead tech at Mr. Good Wrench. Near double the income of your average manager at the Krispy Kreme, even if they ain’t much of an attorney. Add in traveling money for working out of town and peridium, and it begins to look impressive.
Like a big box of Legos and you just stick them together and make something up. Remember this one? Twump was going to be renamed as President and the Hoosters in the hustings, were making hotel reservations. “Screw the commemorative NASCAR plates Margaret, we’re going to D.C.!”
And friends, let us not forget that daughter of Satan, Hillary Clinton. In Republican annals there is only one Hillary Clinton. Super diabolical criminal mastermind as only Marvel comic books could ever imagine. “Superman takes on Hillary!” Investigated for twenty years with a proctoscope, and not one legal charge filed. She walks the streets a free woman. Despite her being a well-known child eating carnivore. Prone to cavorting naked in the basement of the pizza parlor and calling for more sauce and another cold beer.
They demand to know where the E-mail sever is, so like Zoolander, they can bust it open and get the secret files out. Years ago, a laptop was turned in to the lost and found on the New York Subway. You believe that right? When it was investigated, they found the laptop was full of secret Iranian plans to build a nuclear bomb. And for some strange reason, they were all written in English on a laptop owned by a man who spoke Farsi. Or “Your mother told me some very bad things about you.”
Secret information, too secret and too sensitive to share. But trust me, it’s real bad and you know it too, don’t you? See, to working class folks (myself-included) a $700 or $1,100 laptop goes to the shop. It’s all just a matter of conditioning. I had a customer who bought a helicopter, so he could commute to work while renting a house on the beach in Pensacola. He didn’t rent the house for the week or two, but for three months solid. He spent a million dollars just getting to work over the summer. A laptop to him was like a pencil or a pen. If it didn’t work anymore, you just threw it away.
I’ve found that when doubting the veracity of a news story to look at third-party news sites. Surely, if the President’s son is a mass murderer or involved in some heinous crime syndicate making headlines on Faux News. It must be noted in the overseas press, if unaffiliated with Rupert Murdoch. But let us remember, dead bodies under Hunter’s basement doesn’t mean anything about Joe. It’s all innuendo and smear, smoke and mirrors. Theater for the easily amused, puzzles for Algernon.
Ginni Thomas can advocate for insurrection and Coup De Tat, but that shouldn’t jaundice our opinion of poor ole Clarence. Another Republican resigns from Congress in disgrace after another criminal conviction. You really got to hand it to ole Hillary, don’t you? They caught that Republican just like that, but not Hillary. I guess the world just isn’t fair to Republicans. After all, the Democrats eat babies and cavort with Satan every Saturday night, but never get caught. Proof positive of the unfairness of the world and the bias against Conservative thought.
Hunter Biden had a drug problem and sought treatment; Don Junior shows up at the convention lit up like a Christmas tree. Loaded up with more Coke than a new vending machine. I mention this only because, if my dad was running for President. And he had asked me to stop by and say a few words on his behalf. And I showed up in that condition? He would have whipped me with a knotted plow line. That probably explains why Junior had to call Mark Meadows to speak to his dad.
Every circuit must have a good ground that will kill the circuit. “Gambling tips for Beginners” by Pete Rose or “The Things that Rudy Guiliani Says.” In the Republican pantheon of people with a bright future solidly behind them. No one screams mister used to be, quite like Rudy. Unofficial honorary mayor of the distillery district and Mr. Four Seasons.
And Rudy says, It’s not a laptop at all, but a hard drive. Did someone dismantle the laptop and secret the hard drive into a bodily orifice not easily accessible while standing up? No, Rudy says that he tried to give the (hard drive) to Federal agents, but they refused to take it from him. Federal agents that were there to serve a subpoena to confiscate all electronic devices in the possession of one Rudolph Guliani. He told them this is Hunter Biden’s hard drive and despite the subpoena to confiscate all electronic devices, they refused to take it. Whose kilo of heroin is this? “Not mine, I’m just holding it for a friend.”
Why of course, that’s incontrovertible proof. Either that or, Rudy is lying. If Federal agents are tasked with picking up electrical devices, they’ll take the toaster if they want. It doesn’t matter what you say to them about Hunter Biden. They aren’t listening anyway and won’t be swayed by your entireties; they’ve heard it all before.
I guess the real scandal in the Hunter Biden laptop story is the repeated gullibility. Taken snipe hunting and asking when they can go again. Like a baseball card in their bicycle spokes making noise as each new pseudo scandal hits the presses. Democrats are developing two headed alligators with jet packs and grenade launchers to oppress conservatives and yet, Joe Biden wants to take YOUR guns!
But it’s political infotainment, scoring points with Star Cruisers in Star Wars and rooting for the Wookie. Declaring winners of athletic events by virtue of a political philosophy. That’ll teach em! What does a College Athletic Association know about college athletics anyway? Wasted away again down in sore Loserville.
Look what they done to my song Ma! Look what they done to my song! They stole the election; they cheated! Everyone is out to get us! They got books about Thespians in the library! The North Koreans were bringing in ballots with bamboo shards on them! Masks are a subversive plot to steal our free air and give it to the Chinese!
The only real story about Hunter Biden’s laptop is the repeated gullibility involved by those curious. How long will they keep biting at the same old lure and taking the hook, the line, and the sinker. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me over and over and over again, and I must be a Republican. Trucker Carlson headline: “We’re Running Out of Food!”
“If man evolved from apes, how come there are still apes?” – Herchel Walker, Republican candidate for the Senate from Georgia.
Yeah, answer that! I rest my case.