By David Glenn Cox
The original Faux News was founded as a newspaper over 100 years ago in Germany, as the Völkischer Beobachter. (The People’s Observer) A very cute Orwellian title that means just exactly what it says it means. We talk and tell you what to decide. A newspaper with a mission. Their goal wasn’t just to sell more newspapers, but to sell the Nazi Party to the German public.
Between 1920 and 1923, the circulation grew from 8,000 to 23,000. Respectable totals, but not world beating. The editorial tone of the publication was cynical and sarcastic, which appealed to certain audience with a penchant for NASCAR and chewing tobacco. But it was a turn off to a larger audience of literate book learners. They did not enjoy the delivery, even if they agreed with the message. So, then Rupert Murdoch bought “The Wall Street Journal.”
This was the beginning and like Billy Durant had figured out, You don’t build one car and hope someone will buy it. You build a whole bunch of different cars made from all the same parts and build something for everybody. In no time at all the Party acquired half a dozen publications, From Chris Wallace to Tucker Carlson. I get a kick out of the X-Faux files. “Hi, I’m your friendly reporter who told lies on Faux every night at six o’clock for years.”
“But then the news broke about the sexual harassment scandal, and then I got this job and a huge check. I used to be a lying sack of shit, but you can trust me…now.” One X-Faux is moving on to CNN’s premium service. When you want an oral surgeon to grab his tools and get to work on you, and you don’t want any antistetic. And just a plain old dentist with a red-hot poker won’t do.
A Premium service is almost a contradiction in terms. After all, aren’t they on the air 24 hours a day now? How can they offer more? Now with even more commercials at no extra cost! The following commercial messages are brought to you by Gieco.
It is because they are on these stations 24 hours that causes the troubles. They got too many hours to fill on their hands. So, they will put on a Hypnotoad like Tucker Carlson. Making funny faces and with funny ideas, anything for a laugh. But he’s too base for the Journal. So is Bill O’Reilly and so was Rush Limbaugh (May he sizzle like bacon) From the Faux base of non-inquiring non book learning herd. “Hit em agin! God Damn it! if the comedian said something about my wife having Jerry Springer’s number on her speed dial. I’d hit em agin!”
Outrage and professional wrestling every night. You’ve got to keep the Faux monkeys stirred up and throw their turds back at them! It’s not Donald Twump up to his eyeballs with the Russians. It’s actually Joe Biden that’s in bed with the Russians. The Republicans spent the Fourth of July playing with guns and swilling vodka with the Russians in Moscow, but it’s really Joe Biden in bed with the Russians. Can you believe that! A Republican Congressman married to a Russian plant. Don’t that beat all? But let me tell you about Joe Biden.
These aren’t the droid’s that you are looking for. It’s not the cop killers and the thugs from January 6th. It’s cops and Democrats that are just picking on those poor, honest hardworking Americans again. No limits or restraint.
Forbes, famous for their lists of rich CEOs and corporations, have compiled a list much shorter than the others of their subscribers. And so, post You Tube videos, “Marge Taylor Greene really socks it to Nancy Pelosi!” Oh, click, click. I just got to see that…not!
Or “Jim Jordan teaches Dr. Fauci a lesson in rudeness.” Outrage Uber Allis. The obviously not true is obviously true. Marge Greene couldn’t win a battle of wits with a vending machine. Jim Jordan was a locker room attendant in charge of liniment and the laundry, and Dr. Fauci is well educated and highly respected physician. The goal isn’t to sell newspapers; the goal is to advance the Party.
Big Brother on every channel. Maybe shouting or yelling about some sort of nonsense that can be dragged all out of proportion about bathrooms or libraries.
And remember, there’s always room at the bottom for a young man willing to work hard after his dad gets him the job. Sooner or later, they all step over the edge morally or metaphysically and disappear as ghosts and then everyone moves up a rank. Peter Doocy works hard in his job as Faux attack dog. Asking with a straight face, why Joe Biden won’t tell him our secret plans if Russia crosses that red line. “But the world wants to know Joe! Tell me, tell me, tell me!” It is so adversarial, that Doocy should just growl and bark.
Yet, because he is so obvious and limited, it becomes like bouncing a tennis ball off a backstop. Or the joke wall on Laugh In. “What do you got for us today Pete? Oh, Hunter Biden questions huh, hiding things from the American people again, and hearing things as only Pete seems to hear them. Didn’t you say you support a radical Leftist agenda? “No, I said, I’ll take a few questions.”
It doesn’t matter the issue at the press conference. Let’s let Pete ask a question or six, and do his little celebrity floor show for five minutes. The Wall Street Journal, after publishing concerns over Joe Biden’s high fuel prices and inflation slams Gavin Newsome’s plans for a tax rebate.
God Damn it! When you do nothing, we will slam the shit out of you, for doing nothing. But when you try and do something, then we really get pissed off. Doing things is strictly against our philosophy. Truth be told, their philosophy is in their bank accounts. Peter Doocy earns far more than your average attack dog or a sex worker, for the same kind of work.
Someday in the future, when Pete is the grand old man of letters over at Faux. There will be a scandal or a disagreement. Somebody is drinking out of his clown mug in the break room again. Then he will quit in a storm of brew ha-ha and outrage.
Writing his memoirs about how he didn’t really mean it. About how they made him say all those ugly things. And if it wasn’t for that seven-figure paycheck they were forcing on him, with a limo and a driver, he never would have said them. Then he will begin his new career on another news network, Only this time he promises to tell us, only the truth.
“The best books… are those that tell you what you know already.”
― George Orwell