Full Metal Margie

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

Margie Greene was transmitting on a fifty-watt transmitter on the AM band from someone’s garage again. Marge was being interviewed by famous comic talent flame out and former Faux News never was Lou Dobbs. Last seen by his peers as a delusional crank with perhaps a bit of a substance abuse problem. Towards the end, he was like a bizarre journalist from a Superman movie, with a substance abuse problem. A star on Faux Biz, but never quite good enough for the center ring. Never to be allowed upstairs out of the basement to be around the rest of the family, even on the holidays.

Back around the Presidential election, Lou sorta had an accident of the mind. Errrrr! Crash! 404 – File not found. And some of the marbles just sorta came out. His hair coloring began changing like a mood ring. He was placed on hiatus, until he could get his cookies and milk back on the same page again. So, perhaps this interview was his chance for a big come back.

He listened blankly and answered when prodded, as Full Metal Margie tells us all about the perils of joining today’s military. “It sucks kids! Don’t throw your life away! They are all woke and stuff! They will make you take a vaccination whether you want one or not! Then Joe Biden will send you to the third world to be used as cattle fodder.”

“Did you ever serve Marge? I mean back when you were much, much younger. You seem like such a perfect candidate. Backwoods Georgia born and raised, barely educated and on the road to nowhere.” Yes, that’s all-true Lou. But you see, I was also shiftless and without much ambition. Besides sticking my boot heals into headliners of pickup trucks at the drive in and listening to country music. I mean, I was way too busy way back then.

Alright! Listen up! I am your drill Sargent Martha Stewart! You will not like me because I am hard, but demure and polite. You will not laugh you will not cry! You will learn to fold a fitted sheet the right way! There is no racism or bigotry in my beloved Corps, and we intend on keeping it that way! What’s your name Scum ball!

“Ma’am, IT’S Marge Greene Ma’am!” Marge Greene what? “Ma’am, IT’S Marge Greene Ma’am!” Shut your dirty pie hole, I’m asking the questions here. Have you ever done anything constructive in your life, while not horizontal? Do you take things out of your mouth only to put things into your mouth? Do big words confuse you scum ball? Why did you join my beloved corps scum ball?

“To kill, kill, kill Ma’am!”

Well, you’re not going to like this very much sweetheart. But there are Democrats in charge now, so we don’t kill anymore. We study our feelings and then invite our adversaries over to study their feelings. Then we do yoga together and drink Chai tea.

Let me see your war face! Not good, see the fashion adviser. I’m gonna call you Pyle, is that okay? Do you like that name? I’m gonna call you Pyle because every time I look at you, you remind me that shit comes in a You! Do you know any origami scum ball? Do any of you worthless grab ass pieces of amphibian shit know the difference between a salad fork and an olive fork?

You will learn! You will eat with a knife and fork with a napkin on your lap. And you will learn to resolve your differences with your words! You will learn to decorate and know the importance of a good flower arrangement to the overall décor of the room. Feng Shui, Feng shui, Feng shui!

The non-veteran is gonna tell us all about serving in the military. You see, you don’t want to go into the service now, because of the questionable people put in place by Joe Biden. It’s not low unemployment numbers or Covid causing the military recruitment issues it’s all, all Joe Biden’s fault. Because they’ve “seen the way they’re treated.” They saw the way Joe Biden pulled troops from Afghanistan after Twump negotiated their withdrawal. They saw the way the military forced vaccinations on them after Twump had promised a vaccine.

But what they don’t see and in all honesty, don’t care. But what can you expect? It never occurs to the Marge Greene’s the Tucker Carlson’s or Donald Twump the great service they do for Vladimir Putin. I’m sure most of you think they are paid or are somehow in debt. But no, they do it for free.

Without the dupes and useful idiots of this world, the Russians would have to pay for this kind of propaganda. But the attention whores give it away for free. Happy to shit on anyone or any institution you like for headlines. Last week, she was going on all about pedophiles. This week, she’s on about the military. Last summer, she toured retirement villages grifting the old people with Matt Gaetz, and back then she didn’t want to talk about pedophiles.

Tehas Governor Greg “Bubba” Abbott sends a bus load of undocumented immigrants on a bus ride to Faux News headquarters in Washington. Which depending on how you look at it, is either felony kidnapping or aiding and abetting. Thirty human beings bused to a strange city, and after getting the video footage they were after at Faux News. The immigrants were unceremoniously dumped out on the sidewalk and told they’re free to go. Now scram! Vamoose move along, don’t block this the door. “Coming up next on Faux News!”

No agenda at all save for the stunt, the distraction or the innuendo. No brain trust or leadership, except for Kevin McCarthy or Mitch McConnell. No philosophy, but outrage and rabble rousing. With their spiritual leader, the orange lemming in chief, encouraging all his followers to leap for it. Its Idiocrasy gone haywire. Openly hostile to the rule of law and to their own sitting government. Submerged in a subterranean Strawberry Fields, induced by drinking their own mushroom tea for too long. Too far fetched to be imaginary and far too real to be real.  In today’s Republican Party, at least for Margie, it’s hip to hate America.

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