The Crazy Horse of the Apocalypse

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

The name “Good Friday“ proves to us that Christianity is an ancient religion. For it was a modern invention, they would call it. “Super Gigantic Colossal Friday” stores now open extended holiday hours for your shopping convenience! Followed by “Internet, Super Gigantic Colossal Saturday” stores now open 24 hrs. for your online shopping convenience.

Blow the dust off the MasterCard and blow all your money on your Easter finery. Show those fucking busybodies and hypocrites at church what for and try to get them to shut the hell up and stop gossiping about you for a minute.

Only to give the appearance of wealth and prosperity, a sort of Christian dress up day. It’s only the appearance that matters, you know. And there need be no substance to it at all if it looks nice.  About no substance, Sarah Palin threw her hat in the political ring after the oldest serving Republican house member died midterm. I was shocked at having never heard his name before. So, he must have been very active on many important and powerful house sub committees and legislation (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!). A ranking member of the House oversite committee on skateboard safety and international navigational hazards.

During the Constitutional Convention, Ben Franklin was a man of 81 years and a man of drink, and both were gaining on him. He was past his prime and it was thought to be prudent to assign younger men to his assistance. To remind Ben why he really shouldn’t offer to buy the next round of shots. And to remind Ben to finish his Margarita, they had to get back to the meeting. You just couldn’t have a Constitutional Convention without old Ben Franklin. Like Elvis, he might have been fat and past his prime, but he was still Elvis.

Senator Diane Feinstein is said to be losing her cognitive skills and should step down. Where does the job description say, “Must have cognitive skills!” Not that I’m pro or anti cognitive skills, I just deplore the double standard. Sure, Nixon can wander through the White House in his boxers at midnight.

Half a bottle of whiskey in one hand and talking to the pictures on the walls. Lecturing the imaginary historians of someday and encouraging the alcohol created creatures to follow him along on the “the night tour.” Dickies dark submergence into the alcohol fueled realm of self-performed psychotherapy and enemy analysis. But let’s make Feinstein play Q-Bert or Simon, to see if she’s still qualified.

In the closing days of the Ray gun Administration. Nancy Ray gun had a room all fixed up nice for their astrologer. So, he could tell Dutch and Nancy’s future and by extension…ours, with Tarot cards. Come on in, we’re having a very important staff meeting and throwing I Ching. “Aw too bad, no money for national parks. Oh good, a tax cut in our future. Aw too bad, working people pay for it.”

The President of the United States had regular meetings with psychics and astrologers about what do in the future. To peek over the edge of the universe and look surreptitiously into the backdoor of that dark unknown.  And be given insight about that future, from that man that who divined all that knowledge from a deck of playing cards. That man they wrote large checks to every week.

Mental agility is not a job requirement; it’s a preference, nothing more. “He’s really good, all the top movie stars use him to tell their fortunes too!”

They say that sometimes ole Dutch had problems sometimes, discerning reality from his former cinematic roles. Fond of telling aides about his days of shooting down Messerschmitt’s over Guadalcanal and hot nights in Hollywood fingering Nancy Davis on the sly, while still married to Jane Wyman. Ray gun staffers admitted to adding blank pages to the stack to have Dutch sign. Certain that they could always find something useful to type on to that blank page in the future. Aww, someone’s gone all Puddinhead on us. I didn’t hear any calls to step down.

When The “W” Administration proposed placing conventional warheads on Intercontinental ballistic missiles. The Administration failed to see the primary drawback and defects of the plan. The failure to understand this detail, did not signal “Good” mental health. That launching those missiles could prompt a full-fledged nuclear response from our adversaries.

“But we’ll tell em! We’ll tell em! We will pick up the phone and just tell them. Look, I know that missile appears to be headed towards your Capitol, but don’t worry. It’s just pointed at a country near you and besides, it’s not even nuclear. I know on your radar set its kind of hard to tell, but you can trust us. You can take our word for it; she’s not nuclear a tall. We’re just taking out some terrorist infrastructure in your neighborhood, so no worries.”

And if you believe he fell off his bicycle choked on a pretzel and hit himself in the face on the coffee table, you know nothing about spousal abuse. It was all his fault really, he did make her angry.

It almost seems quaint now in our post sanity world of the orange apocalypse. Mayor McCheese President and the Hamberder. A man of our times, with his finger on the pulse of toilet flush rates and speed of windmills too. Love letters and real great solutions we can’t tell you about because we haven’t thought of them yet. If the kid getting two billion from the Saudis for being my son-in-law. You can bet daddies gonna wet his beak.

But its that double standard, The public is to assume a Margie Greene or Matt Gaetz, Lauren Boebert or Teddy Cruz have walking around cognitive skills. A round robin chess tournament would be thrilling! My word is “Duck” I would have put down “Fuck”, but I didn’t have an “R.” Double word score seven, I mean eight!

Kevin McCarthey as the incredible Mr. Limpid. The man who turned into a jelly fish, a very, very dumb jelly fish. Along with Sponge Mitch Square pants. The Buffalo Bob and Howdy Doody of their generation. Barely able to hold back the Crazy Horse of the apocalypse.  

“Baravelli may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” ― Groucho Marx

And that’s no reason at all, why he can’t run for Congress as your next Republican Senator. He used to play football without a helmet on and is now moving into Republican politics. He can’t do simple math or understand the theory of evolution, but he’ll make great Republican Senator! And sure, admittedly, I never liked that his fake doctor routine on his reality TV show. But you never know, he could be another  great Republican Senator someday too! But first, we must give him them both the “Cognitive skills test” to see if they are competent to hold Republican office in Washington.

Obviously, there is no such test. Or there would be a lot of empty Republican seats.

 “Don’t start out with an inferiority complex. For the first six months you’ll wonder how you got here. After that you’ll wonder how the rest of them got here.” – Harry Truman

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