The Prophets of Doom

Falling through the universe at the speed of life

By David Glenn Cox

It’s important in fascist circles to always keep the crowd ginned up with excitement. Somebodies always stealing their chickens or talking about them over the back fence. There is always a shocking problem going on that you didn’t know anything at all about, going on right under your very nose! Math books with references to Critical Race Theory and Common Core! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Declare a problem and give it a short easily remembered and oft repeated name (Rinse and repeat). The War in Ukraine has given great insight into the similarities between Russian state-run TV and their stepchild over at Faux Newski. In Russia the commentators are always bellicose, even when in reverse. “They sank our best ship after we invaded their country! We should wipe them all off the face of the earth! And NATO! Have we got something for your ass!”

Makes the American version tame by comparison. Doocey sitting on a couch, holding his knees down looking like Forest Gump watching a feather as the school bus drives away. “Coming up next, Joe Biden does something completely wrong again, and Florida book burning accidentally sets school on fire.” Limp and completely nonaggressive. “Gee, whatever you say boss.”

Be outraged by the dirty math books. Demand the Arabic numerals be removed! No more indoctrination of our children into Islam or Al Gebra! Coming up this week; we break the Hunter Biden case wide open…Again! Only, this time for sure baby! Somebody with the initials HB is going to be sharing a cell with Hillary before long! For real this time! It really does make Faux Newski look like Monty Python’s version of Russian state TV.

Are you sure? “Yes!” You say that the library has books in it? “Yes!” And is it possible that those books cover subjects? “Yes!” Subjects we don’t want our children to know about. “Yes!” We don’t pay our taxes and send our poorly dressed underfed stupid children to your poorly run, run down substandard and underfunded public school here in Florida. To learn a lot of things about things we’d rather they not learn about.

We could just keep them at the bunker and teach them ourselves. Just teach them to count to ten, how to wipe their butt and run the computer machine. That’s why they make pull up diapers for preschoolers! Toilet training is hard when you’re trying to watch TV.

When we agreed to fund this public library, we never agreed to allow books on the shelves about subjects we don’t like or don’t approve of. Don’t our rights as a free people extend to limiting what your children can read? Think back now to your own childhood days and think of that one special book from the library in the third grade. That one book that had the greatest effect on you as a person today!

Exactly, I remember reading a real cool book about submarines. If I had ever pulled out a Gay romance novel, I’d put it back on the shelf and looked for another cool book on submarines or John Glenn flying in outer space. And Old Yeller was the best dog they ever was, the end. And he was My Friend Flicka!

We have important issues facing us as a country, which bathrooms should Transgenders use? What functionally obsolete interstate highway system? What collapsing commercial Real Estate Market? Haven’t you heard? A Transgender won an amateur swim meet far off somewheres over a natural born woman. It’s a little league championship only one step up, but doesn’t that just make your blood boil?

The Beeraholics won the bowling trophy because of her! The idea that any old fat guy in swim trunks just fucking around could beat any trained female college swimmer. Fortunately, the Governor declared by proclamation, the correct winner under his Judeo-Christian swimming beliefs! “I as your governor and acting on behalf of Jesus, Mary and Joseph declare you the winner of the amateur swim meet inside the boundaries of Florida and the counties thereof.”

Governor Greg Hubba Bubba Abbott of Tehas, claimed there was a problem at the border. Federal agents were doing a terrible job inspecting the trucks crossing the Mexican border. Allowing thousands of illegal migrants thru and a wholesale parade of illegal drugs to pass as well. Despite it being all Joe Biden’s fault, Hubba Bubba knew he had to act. Only by an intervention of his highly trained Tehas state troopers could this flow of human trafficking and illegal narcotics be stopped!

A quarter of a billion dollars lost later, Hubba Bubba withdraws his order. The Troopers found nothing and angered everyone. Drivers who made two four hours runs per day, made none and don’t get paid for down time. The warehouse can’t send anyone home because a truck might still show up. Thirty-hour delays, rotting vegetables and heated tempers and temperatures chasing after a phantom. Looking for a ghost that never existed with a solution without a problem.

Likewise, Hubba Bubba sent the Tehas National Guard down to the border. Likewise, the Federal Government isn’t doing its job down there either, so Bubba has to act. Taking busloads of human migrants trusting to the authority of government officials on a bus trip to Faux Newski headquarters in Washington. Then once their propaganda value is at an end dumping them out on the sidewalk, as the bus drives away leaving only taillights. That will sure show Joe Biden a thing or two! 

Teach Joe Biden a lesson by using innocent people for their propaganda value. Remember the TV is there to express our political values to the people and not the other way around.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! I won’t take any more credit for this victory than necessary. Lord Kitschener did not – nay, will not – die in vain, grid willing. [Applause] Gentlemen, gentlemen – I, as leader, will use power like a drum, and leadership like a violin. Take out any idea. Compare ideas, with the one idea left we are left you have no doubt and without a doubt we have enthusiasm! Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, gentlemen – to make life whole, it’s as easy as a bridge! Now, now, gentle- gentlemen, now that we have obtained control we must pull together as one – like a twin! Keeping the prophecy of power as enthusiasm! All for one! And all for one!” – The Firesign Theater

The Firesign Theater, the prophets of doom. Sure, it was all funny back in 1975, only now, they really mean it.

“Stop”! It wasn’t always like that. No, first they had to come from little towns with strange names like: Smegma, Spasmodic, Frog, and the far-flung Isles of Langerhans. What do you think they took? “Oil from Canada, gold from Mexico, geese from the neighbor’s backyard – boom boom. Corn from the Indians, tobacco from the Indians, Dakota from the Indians, New Jersey from the Indians, New Hampshire from the Indians, New England from the Indians, New Delhi from the Indians” – Indonesia for the Indonesians! Yes, and Veteran’s Day.” – The Firesign Theater

Sir Realism; we have arrived!

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